Onward Atheist Soldiers: Let’s fight to preserve Christmas

I’m told by conservative news outlets that it tis the season for me to become engaged in a war. Seems that we, the godless heathen masses that makeup 8% to 15% of this nation’s populous, are once again rallying our massive collective power and influence in an effort to eliminate one of the most important holidays that the 76% majority hold so dear. Who knew?

Actually, they have it all wrong. The holiday shopping season is a veritable “God send” to our economy. It is expected to generate $590 billion in retail sales, a 6% increase over last year. Approximately 600,000 temporary jobs are created to service this sales volume; jobs that will help people pay their rent, buy gifts for their loved ones, and like wise stimulate the economy. Never mind the billions spent on Xmas trees, postage for holiday greeting cards, UPS/Fed Ex delivery costs and holiday food. As a capitalist I love Christmas. "The chief business of the American people is business," as Calvin Coolidge said. The last thing I’d want to see is the disappearance of Christmas. One has to wonder how much stronger China’s GDP would be if their 1.3 billion population were 76% Xtian instead of the roughly 7-10% it is now. I’m glad it isn’t.

I’d defend to the death Frosty the Snowman’s right to melt; Charlie Brown’s annual disappointing trip to the Xmas tree lot; George Bailey’s suicidal trip to that snow covered bridge; the Grinch’s efforts to mess with the heads of the denizens of Whoville; and Natalie Wood’s right to doubt Santa. These TV shows generate millions more in advertising that add to the nation’s financial stability and growth. After all, that’s what Xmas is all about… well, that and sharing fun, food and a warm fireplace on a snowy night with your family.

War on Xmas? Nope…I love Xmas. All people who want to see a strong economy should love Xmas. I fully endorse every man, woman, child and family pet being designated as each families personal diety upon whom gifts are heaped. If there were an organized effort to eliminate Xmas I’d strap on my body armor, lock and load my AR, man the barricades and willingly shoot the first ” Kill Kristmas” banner waving anarchist, anti-capitalist, agrarian society proposing low life that ventures into my crosshairs.

There is, however, a more covert and insidious movement a foot to kill Christmas. It comes from extremists who think Rudolph and Santa aren’t the true harbingers of Xmas – declaring them a perversion of the season; who deride the national spending frenzy as antithetical to the meaning of Christmas.

These are fanatics who believe that men dressed in golden finery, waving smoke pots, chanting mumbo-jumbo and staring into the plaster eyes of the bloody effigy of a corpse is what is important. Or that erecting make-believe scenes involving plastic non-existent wise men, virgins, camels and baby man-gods on public property is what’s really important. Organizations that use this time of year to ring bells and beg for money to do good works, which they also use promote delusion and oppose equal rights for everyone. These are the real warriors against Christmas. Fortunately those minions of cultist delusion are a small minority and growing smaller all the time. Eventually they will simply fade into obscurity taking their absurd interpretation of the holiday with them.

Warrior against Xmas? Not here. On Xmas Eve I plan to hang my dead Jewish man-god piñata from the rafters, hand out bats, and let the good times roll.