The Body of Christ Found- Pope Cancels Easter
Associated Press
Jerusalem March 30, 2015 -
In what is being called the greatest archeological find in history,
archeologists sifting through what was thought to be an ancient trash
dump have unearthed the grave and recovered the remains of Jesus Christ.
Dr. Eli Ben-Yehuda, head of Archeological Studies at the University of
Tel Aviv has confirmed that the remains have been positively identified.
“The inscription, the method of death, the burial accoutrements and a
scroll confirming the identity and date of death leave no room for
doubt.” Dr. Ben-Yehuda said.
Discovered late in February, the corpse and accompanying relics have
been intensively studied by scientists and reviewed by senior clergy of
the major Christian denominations. The confirmation of authenticity is
unanimous.
“It appears everything we thought to be true is a lie.” lamented
Ireland’s Archbishop Phillip O’Shea, “I’ve already notified his Holiness
of my resignation. I’ve wasted almost 50 years of my life believing in a
myth, I won’t waste one more minute. I need to find a real job” said
the clearly emotional sixty-five year old O’Shea.
Pope Francis has issued a papal bull cancelling the celebration of
Easter, the holy day that most of the world’s 2 billion Christians
previously celebrated as the believed day of Jesus’ resurrection from
the dead. The pontiff’s closest adviser, Monsignor Benito Calducci,
told reporters that the pope is deep in prayer, albeit he wasn’t sure to
whom he was praying, adding defiantly “… and frankly I don’t care. I
need to find a real job.”
In the United States evangelical televangelist Pat Robertson is in
seclusion. A close confident of Reverend Robertson speaking under
condition of anonymity said. “Pat is unsure what path he will take; the
rug has been pulled out from under him, from under all of us. He is
financially set, but I’m going to finally have to get a real job.”
The human remains are remarkably well preserved owing to the dry climate
and air tight ossuary. The corpse shows that Jesus had only two lower
teeth and a severe overbite. He was bald and seems to have suffered from
syphilis and cirrhosis of the liver. It has yet to be determined if he
had club-foot, or if the deformity is a result of injuries incurred
during crucifixion. Based on the unusual dimensions of the ossuary,
Jesus appears to have been less than 4’ 2” tall, but was rather obese
perhaps weighing as much as 250 lbs just before death. He appears to
have been a hermaphrodite; the minute circumcised penis was still
intact.
In a related story, the Shroud of Turin has been sold to the Gucci
fashion house where it will be cut up and used in their exclusive spring
line of April Fools hand bags.
(an oldie but one of my favs from April 2010)
As some of my readers may know, I was raised in an upper middle class Jewish family. My parents were reformed Jews, as secular as can be, although my father had in his bedroom closet a velvet pouch containing his prayer shawl and phylacteries, a leather strap with two leather boxes containing scripture from the Torah that one wrapped around one's forearm during prayer. I actually saw him don the shawl and phylacteries only once in my life during attendance at some high holy day service at temple. Family attendance at synagogue trickled down to never once my older brother was bar mitzvahed and before I reached my teens.
By that time I had already begun to question religion and the existence of God, although it was only a casual perception and did not occupy my preteen mind. I opted out of Hebrew school and the offer of a bar mitzvah
I did however retain a very strong identity with the Jewish people, and empathy for their two thousand years of persecution and injustice heaped upon them by the Christian world. My mother lost some distant relatives to the Nazi extermination camps. I could easily personalize the fear of the European Jews. The horror of the holocaust and pictures of the victims, children and adults, both the dead and survivors, easily brought me to tears. Given this background it's not hard to imagine that my support for a Jewish homeland has been adamant and unwavering for my entire life.
Fast forward to the fifteenth year of the 21st century ...
Today I received an invitation to "like" a facebook page entitled "JEWS NEWS". I followed the link to that page and immediately realized I cannot in good conscience endorse it. Not only because it dishonors and demeans President Obama, implying he was an enemy of the Jewish state at worst, or a Neville Chamberlain to Israel at best; and not only because the "news" it reported was tantamount to FOX News with its politics being so far right and with a pro-Israel / pro-Jewish slant so steep that it was no better than propaganda thus making impartial reporting utterly impossible; but because in the last few weeks I've come to reconsider my half century of undying and unshakable support for Israel born of my upbringing and empathy for my distant kinsmen.
I have come to realize that the Israeli Jews have more in common with fundamentalist Dominionist Christians, and Jihadist Muslims than they do with me. They share the commonality of extremism.
I can not ignore the mindless fanaticism of Netanyahu's disavowing the thirty-five year understanding of the West's and Israel's commitment to a Two Nation solution to the never ending Palestinian/Israeli conflict. I can no longer support a people who, by their vote for Netanyahu's hawkish and uncompromising mentality, endorse that reversal and who insist that continued conflict with the Palestinian authority and all out war with Iran is the only path, let the peacemakers be damned.
No longer does this reality permit me to keep on the blinders of the history of Jewish victim-hood, with clean hands and in search of peaceful co-existence. They destroyed that facade forever now that their partnership with the End Times Prophecy seeking Christian money men in the US Congress has been openly declared.
This epiphany was long in coming, but for the first time in that over half century of unyielding and uncompromising support for everything Israeli, I see them in the same light as I do any other flavor of religious and nationalistic fanaticism, and it disgusts me. Times have changed, and so too have the Jewish people of Israel. I'll have none of it anymore.
