WARNING: “Jesus Brain” can substantially reduce your processing capacity

Religionists don’t process data like we do. Oh, I know what you’re thinking:
“Duh, Hump! Tell us something we don’t know,” or “Yeah, ‘cuz their religionists.” But it’s not that simple. In fact, it came to me as a revelation last week.

This will be the last time I mention the EE-BP rapture thing for as long as I can avoid it. Frankly I’m bored to death with it even though I have condemned myself to having to deal with it daily to some degree or another. But it has taught me a lot about how some Christians think (or don’t think) and lead me to the realization that their brains aren’t wired like ours.

I received many thousands of email from atheists and believers alike. But one constant question kept coming up from believers. So often does this query arise that I have a form letter in my draft file that requires me only to insert the respondent’s name and hit send. The question is this:

“You say you are an atheist. If that’s so, how can you charge for and offer a service for something you don’t even believe will happen? Does this mean you’ll give a refund if the rapture doesn’t happen?”

Now, whenever this question pops up on my screen I reflexively rub my eyes, scratch my neck and shake my head in complete befuddlement.. No doubt the inquiry makes perfect sense to the afflicted, albeit I can’t begin to comprehend how they get this confused.
It’s tantamount to asking:
“You’re betting horse A will lose; I’m betting he’ll win. If you don’t believe horse A will win why are you betting against him...and will you pay me if he loses?”

Say what???

It seems there is a short circuit in their analytical skills. Simple reasoning powers elude them. What is obvious to you and I, the thinking, becomes a brain teaser to these folks. Whether this defect is the cause of why they are drawn to religiosity, or whether religiosity causes this defect in them I can only guess.

What makes this particularly disconcerting is that this peculiar disability is likely running rampant among the religious right, people in position of responsibility; people who make laws, elect representatives, determine what is taught in their schools. It is the prevalence of this peculiar non-think that sheds new light on things that previously were a mystery to me. For instance:

· How can so many of the religious right even remotely perceive Sarah Palin to be qualified to run the planet’s most powerful nation?
· Why do some legislators think its fine if Jesus’ name is invoked during a pre-session prayer, but don't see the hypocrisy of their outrage at the mention of a pagan god or Allah ?
· How can grown men speculate on the shape of a banana and arrive at the conclusion that God designed it to fit man’s hand?
· How can the anti-Christian writings of Jefferson, Paine, Adams, Madison and other Founding Fathers be construed to imply this was meant to be a “Christian Nation”?

Well, I no longer have to ponder these and many other questions that were baffling to me. The answer is now clear. Their brains do not process reality or even the simplest concept as do thinking people’s brains. Reason is passed through the filter of religio-think; bathed in a plasma of confusion; treated with a does of reality disconnect; coated with doctrinal babble and finally extruded through the cells of an atrophied brain.

The end product is all too often gross stupidity.

Agnostics: Carriers of the recessive God Virus gene

The following is an extract from one of thousands of emails I received during the May 21 rapture fiasco.

“Question, am I a candidate for pet rescuer being that I'm not atheist I'm an Orthodox Agnostic? Let me know.”

I don’t have anything against those calling themselves agnostic. I just don’t get this “I’m an agnostic, not an atheist” horse puckey.

Oh, I understand the definition of agnostic alright,”... the essential nature of (God) is unknown and unknowable,” therefore they won’t just say “I don’t have belief in God/gods,” they demur and say “it’s unknowable.”

Bull spigots!

Are they similarly "agnostic" about leprechauns, faeries, Bigfoot, zombies, vampires, gnomes, trolls, or any of the myriad fictional characters invented by man since the beginning of time? After all, the essential nature of them is unknown and unknowable. They can neither be proven nor disproven. Neither can Russell’s fictional teapot that floats in orbit somewhere, full of steaming Earl Grey tea. Agnostic about interstellar porcelain tableware?

The problem with agnosticism is that it places more credibility in the possibility of god/gods than it does on those other fictional characters. That’s why they are more likely to reject the other fictions out of hand. The only reason agnostics do so, and allow the agnostic position to survive, is directly attributable to the impact that the God Virus has had on civilization for thousands of years. Agnostics carry a recessive religion meme Vs the religionists’ dominant propensity toward belief. Atheists seem to have been born without that receptor, or if they were once theist, have learned to suppress and overcome it.

My educated guess is that had a book about the existence of wish granting, psychopathically inclined, vengeful Pixie been written 3,500 years ago, and updated 1700 years ago as a sequel, people would claim agnosticism about Pixies too.

Something worth thinking about.

The End is Near- REPENT! Or at least, don’t laugh so hard

It won’t be long now. In fact, according to a whole bevy of religious morons, this should be my last blog, unless The Anti-Christ gives me the ok. The May 21st Rapture event is almost upon us. And even though it’s been great for my post rapture pet rescue business (sales volume up 27% for the 1st quarter versus 2010) frankly it’s been a drain.

Between interviews with newspapers and radio stations all over the country, Canada, Australia, and New Zealand; and the over 1400 emails we received from atheists, prospective clients, clients and raving lunatic Christians, I’ve been ignoring my husbandly duties and just as importantly, the dogs. I’m glad it’s almost over.

But I suspect May 22 is going to be anticlimactic, something of a let down. Oh, not just for the rapture believing nutters who have bought into Mr. Camping’s prophesy, That’s a given; but also for me and I imagine millions of atheists around the country. I’ll explain...

Like most of us thinking folks, I look forward to being able to rub the noses of the deluded into their failed prophesy. I want to hold out hope that some of them take this as a kick in the ass learning experience which causes them to rethink their foolish doctrine, or at least recognize their gullibility. I want to see the purveyors of the fraud called on the carpet by their duped followers, and watch them sheepishly hem and haw in the glare of the TV lights, beads of embarrassment induced sweat dripping down their porcine cheeks and red necks.

But none of this will happen. It’s wishful thinking on my part. What will happen is what happens after every an End Times prophesy is hyped by some soothsaying cross kissing huckster. The duped will be too embarrassed to admit their hysteria (enthusiasm?) was stupid. They will simply say it was “premature” and that the rapture is right around the corner...really!! Instead of diminishing their faith it will be renewed, made stronger. Count on it.

Mr. Camping, and his shaman ilk who have promoted the event, will shamelessly claim their calculations were off. They failed to carry the two, or factor in the time change, or divide by the Trinity, or some such nonsensical horse hockey. They’ll go back to the drawing board and, unabashedly, come up with a new date. They always come up with a new date.

They may even claim that Jesus pulled a bait and switch and postponed things to give non-believers “one more chance” to come to their senses, repent and embrace him. All of this of course out of mercy for which Jesus has become so famous.

Invariably I’ll be flooded with emails from fundie pet owners who paid for a ten year post rapture pet rescue contract, and now want a refund ‘cuz they were banking on May 21 being the big one, and need their money to pay next week’s rent on their double-wide. They are in for another disappointment.

Yeah, it’s going to be a let down. How much better it would have been if they beamed up, leaving only intelligent life here on Earth. Oh well, there’s always the Dec. 2012 Mayan calendar end of the world prediction. I can hardly wait.

On Death and Dying (only one is worth worrying about)

Ask a Christian what the best thing about being a believer is. After a few stumbling attempts and some meaningless babble about their “personal relationship” with Jesus, the warm fuzzy feeling of knowing they don’t actually have to think, and the benefits of their man-god granting their wishes, they will eventually get to the meat and potatoes of Christian belief ... the promise of eternal life.

Death is the great unknown and not something anyone in their right mind (and with a tolerable quality of life) would strive for. Given the choice, we’d all like it to occur later rather than sooner. But to the ancients, especially those to whom life was a miserable hideous burden, fraught with discomfort, disease, unending toil, unimaginable poverty, the constant threat of sudden brutal death, injustice and little or no prospects of it getting any better, the assurance that their misery will pay off is quite an attractive plum. Besides, the down side of failing to believe guaranteed an eternal afterlife that was even worse than their current existence.

I wonder, given the unimaginably horrible existence of those uneducated peasants, if I had been one of them would I be drawn to belief, and embrace Christianity for its eternal happy after-life ever after prospect? For what would I have to lose? It’s not like I’d have to worry about losing my dignity...as a peasant (or slave) I would have had no dignity to begin with. I doubt you’d have had to ask me twice.

The Church fathers used this doctrine as a carrot and stick recruitment technique. It was a brilliant stroke of genius. Perhaps the best scam ever invented.

But even our most destitute down trodden citizens have more education than your typical 2nd century peasant. One would also expect their level of sophistication and skepticism would be light years more advanced. But it makes no difference. The stick of the finality of death and the carrot of a much better eternal happy life in exchange for accepting a story is hard for the credulous to resist.

Christians will tell you that they don’t fear death, because they know they are “saved” from the finality of death, the punishment of hell’s tortures and the inequities inherent in life on Earth. But they lie. The very reason they believe in the first place is precisely because of their fear of death. The latest Pew Forum study reported that the most devout Christians are the people who spend the most on medical options to extend their lives when faced with a terminal disease. Hedging their bets one would expect .

As a thinking person I don’t fear death. Death is simply reverting to oblivion, the same oblivion that existed before I was born. Fearing death is irrational. I was unbothered by my pre-birth non-existence; therefore I have no reason to believe my post-death non-existence would be any different. Besides, it’s not personal... everything dies. Life is good while it lasts. No harm, no foul. I do, however, fear the prospect of dying. Dying can get quite messy, painful and expensive. That’s a rational response for a neat freak that abhors pain and hates wasting money.

Christians are so befuddled by ancient lies that have been drummed into their heads that they can’t accept life and death for what it is. And in so doing, they waste vast amounts
of the only life time they will ever have immersed in the delusion and make believe of their death cult’s inane rituals, prayers, groveling, and proselytizing.

News Flash, Christians! Death is simply nature’s way of telling us to go away.

Washington Post Story..on ME!

In lieu of an article this week I am posting a link to today's Washington Post story on my Eternal Earth-Bound Pets post rapture pet rescue web business. It ran on their website today, and will be in their paper Monday May 9. Enjoy!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/service-will-take-in-fido-after-the-rapture-for-a-fee/2011/05/05/AFcZJn7F_story.html

On May 5th turn the National Day of Prayer into the National Day Reason

On May 5th the religiously afflicted will presumably do exactly the opposite of Jesus’ admonishment to pray in private and instead will make a great show of public prayer. I can’t imagine what they will be praying about, but given the fact that there was a National Day of Prayer last year, and in 2009, and 2008 I expect the results to be pretty much the same.

But, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe they didn’t pray for peace, but for more war. If so, their prayers were answered with a record breaking American death toll in Afghanistan and an inexplicable intrusion into Libya.

Perhaps they decided not to ask their boogieman for prosperity, but for a record breaking fiscal deficit, continued high unemployment, and more home foreclosures. If so, God heard their prayers.

Maybe they opted to forgo the challenge to pray for all amputees’ to re-grow limbs, and instead prayed for more kids in war torn Africa to have their arms amputated by rebel terrorists, more women being raped and children contracting AIDS. If so, their request was granted.

I’m guessing they also prayed for more illegal immigration, a record breaking oil spill in the Gulf, higher gasoline prices, more school shootings, a continued 50% divorce rate, the undermining of labor unions, floods in Australia, massive earthquakes and tsunamis that killed tens of thousands, and a nuclear disaster that will likely result in great suffering on those Asian pagans. Hallelujah, thy will be done! So much for thinking prayer doesn’t work.

So, while they continue to mumble their irrational superstitious idiocy to their non-existent Sky Daddy, Dead Jew, or whom/whatever, let us observe May 5th in our own unique and inimitable way. Here are some suggestions for observing May 5th the National Day of Reason:

• Read a chapter of Darwin’s Origin of Species or any science book.



• Watch a Hitchens or Dawkins debate or lecture on Youtube.



• Find your favorite Bertrand Russell quote on Google and memorize it.



• Email your Senators and Congressman and tell them to stop praying and get back to doing something meaningful for the country like they are being paid to do.



• Make an unsolicited contribution to The Freedom from Religion Foundation or Americans United for the Separation of Church and State, or some other freethinking activist organization.



• Donate a copy of my book to your local library.

You can probably think of some other rational actions of your own. I’ll not surrender May 5th to the ignorant and mindless. In my home reason and rationality will prevail, as always.