“Dear Hump”: Advice to the religiously unafflicted

From time to time I receive letters asking my advice on how to handle uncomfortable religious situations. Thought I’d share a few with you.

Dear Hump,
My friends are mostly Christians. That’s fine, I don’t care. But I get awfully tired of them reminding me that they believe in Jesus on a daily basis. I’m at my wits end, what do you suggest?
Signed,
Put upon in Texas

Dear Put Upon,
This requires some tact. Here’s my suggested retort:

"I WOULD believe in Jesus, but I have devoted my life to Moloch who has brought me fertile crops, male children, and victory in war...and I don't even have to attend church...just sacrifice to Him the first born child of one of my Xtian friends every year."

When they ask who Moloch is, tell them that if they were TRUE Xtians they'd have read their fricken Bible and know who He is! Moloch is the Greek form, Molech is the Hebrew form of this wondrous deity with an appetite for infants.

Dear Mr. Hump,
A Muslim at work whips out his prayer rug three times a day which management says is okay. But he also washes his feet in the toilets at work before each prayer leaving the toilet and floor wet and disgusting. I reported it to my supervisor who told me he can’t infringe on this person’s religious practices. Now what?
Yours truly,
Grossed Out in Arkansas

Dear Grossed Out,
Yes, I’m familiar with this delightfully hygienic (!) practice of Muslims in the workplace. They also have a propensity to not use toilet paper, and prefer to wipe butt with rocks or their bare left hand, in accordance with the Koran. They claim to then wash that hand. Keep that in mind should you be offered a high-five from one of them.

Since your honest initial complaint has fallen on deaf ears you’re going to have to raise the stakes. I suggest you casually inform your supervisor that you are Wicca. You can explain that the US Military has recognized Wicca as a legitimate religion, permitting Wicca grave markers in national cemeteries.

You’re not the average run of the bonfire Wicca, you are a devout follower of a little known Wicca sect that requires you to strip naked and dissect a bat or other small rodent and smear its entrails on the mirrors in the bathroom twice a day to cleanse them of evil spirits from the nether world. If he balks, be sure to remind him the Muslim is befouling the same area and hint at a religious discrimination suit.

If necessary, I’d be happy to provide you with a notarized letter that confirms this essential ritual, and a sample bat. Good Luck.

Dear Hump,
My new girl friend is from an Orthodox Jewish family. Her dad is a rabbi.

While she is more liberal / reformed than her folks, she only dates Jewish guys. So I lied and said I was Jewish. This was four weeks ago. She is now ready to become “intimate,” and I fear the jig will be up when she discovers I’m not circumcised.

Any advice on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated. She's hot, doesn’t even LOOK Jewish, and I really like her a lot.
Don’t Call Me Goy
Brooklyn, NY

Dear Don’t Call Me,

Well, this is a ticklish situation. Kind of hard to pull off (so to speak) the fake “Yiddisha boychik” routine without a properly bobbed schlong. That turtleneck on your putz is a dead give away. But don’t despair you have a few options.

First, level with her. Honesty is the best policy. If it was meant to be it’ll happen. If she freaks, well, it was going to happen sooner or later. Better to end it now.

If you’re not comfortable with that, and if you like this girl …and I mean a whole lot of like … I can hook you up with my Hump’s Home Self Circumcision Set, as seen on TV (Hump’s Home Self Baptism Set, Hump’s Home Self Exorcism Set, and Hump’s Home Self Hemorrhoidectomy Set are all sold separately).

Finally, assuming you’re not ready to make that level of commitment, and since I didn’t see any reference to “love” in your letter - and thus obviously aren’t about to lose your mind and become Jewish - as that moment of truth approaches, and she takes one gander at your shmeckle and starts to balk, you can suggest that it may be less of a problem for her to boff an uncut and non-delusional atheist than for her to explain to her dad why she ate that bacon and lobster sandwich at the goy restaurant you took her to last week.

Email me her picture and I’ll photoshop in a lobster roll with bacon bits so big it would choke a Time Square hooker. When dealing with the religiously afflicted, all’s fair in love and war.

Get back to me. I’m always happy to help.