I’m confused. The nation is beset by fires and drought in the West, flooding in the South West, enterovirus D68 striking children in forty-six states, and a case of Ebola in Dallas TexAss. And yet I haven’t heard a single multimillionaire televangelist Christian nutter proclaim it a sign of the End Times, or even an indication of their god’s displeasure with America’s permissive sexuality, abortions and gay rights. What the heck is happening??
My guess is they have missed the boat or are distracted by other matters. Pat Robertson of late has been busy telling women in their seventy’s who can’t afford to donate to their church to get jobs. Pastor Steven Anderson of the Faithful Word Baptist Church says gays should be executed per Lev. 20:13. Pastor John Hagee has been obsessing about a lunar eclipse that fell on the Jewish holiday of Sukkot saying it was an ominous omen and precursor to Armageddon. Pastor James David Manning of Harlem, NY warns African-American women that President Obama was responsible for unleashing white gay men on their husbands.
I figure it’s just a matter of time before one or more of these soothsayers of buffoonery come around and get with the program and start noticing that at least one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Pestilence, was running rampant. But I’m not going to wait around for them, I’m going to beat them to the punch. So here it is:
”Woe be unto you, TexAss!! Ebola, a creation of the Almighty who creates all life all evil (Isaiah 45:7), has descended upon thee! He hath loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible plague upon thy land. REPENT! For thou hath offended His sensibilities with your religious fanaticism, right wing-open carry idiocy, and general foolishness from the statehouse to thy School board.”
”O, California… verily shalt thy suffer drought and fire. The wails of the thirst afflicted and displaced will be as a lullaby unto the Lord thy God; for as thou hast failed to convict OJ Simpson.”
”Ye, South West- thou hast felt the sting of flooding as the Lord thy God unleashed tropical Rainstorm Odile upon thee! Thy roads and bridges and cars and houses awash, and not one Ark to save thee. Verily thou did suffer this affliction for your salsa and tortilla chip affectation, and…and….and other South Western kinda stuff that is an abomination unto the Lord!”
”As for the rest of the country that is as a den of iniquity unto the Lord, he hath cursed thy children with fevers, and respiratory infections, and paralysis of unknown cause ...ye, even to the most innocent … because…well…because God loves the little children of the world.”
There. That should do until genuine religious nutters jump on the band wagon. It shouldn’t be too much longer.
.... and yea, verily, a four legged prophet from the desert shall speak the truth but the voices of the many false prophets, shouting in many tongues, shall fill the air and the camel is not heard.
ReplyDeleteOK, OK I know it's not a very good start but I think you've given us a blueprint for blog comments or letters to the editor in a format the blockheads just might understand.
hillarious, lol, thank you
ReplyDelete