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Saturday, June 27, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Rapture Pet Rescue: When You’re Saved, Let the Godless Save Your Furry Friend
The consensus of theists is that animals have no souls. Thus they aren’t Christians. Most believers of the Rapture know that Fido and their other furry friends will be on their own, abandoned to a slow miserable death by starvation once the faithful beam up to Jesus. So the answer to the question posed in the photo above is: “No, Jethro! You’ll be living for an eternity with out good old Sparkey.”
A good internet friend emailed me a website from an enterprising atheist in Great Britain. He offers a post Rapture pet rescue service. For the sum of about 70 Pounds Sterling (roughly $115.00), an atheist Brit will come to the Raptured pet owner’s house and adopt the abandoned pet. It seems he's actually getting business. Here’s the link: http://www.postrapturepetcare.com/
When I read this two things clicked in my head: First … Stupid fundies! Second … GOLD MINE!!!
According to various polls, between 40% and 60% of Americans believe in Jesus’ return and the Rapture. I’ll estimate perhaps 50 million deluded Rapture freak families in the US. If only 10% of them own pets and care enough to have them saved from certain death after the Rapture …. possibly even becoming the main course for some immigrant from an Asian culture … at $115 a pet we are talking a sales potential of over $500 Million!
I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t mind having a piece of that action!
Who better than an atheist to care for the left behind pet? We darn sure aren’t beaming up to Candy Land. Our type are known animal lovers, representing a large portion of PETA membership. We are trust worthy as evidenced by a very low incidence of arrest or imprisonment of atheists per Federal Prison statistics.
So I’m toying with setting up this service for the North East and franchising it to other sections of the country. While New England wouldn’t be a top performing area, representatives in the Midwest and the South, the Bible Belt, would have more takers than they could shake a pooper scooper at.
Naturally, I’d want to review the references of potential franchisees to make sure that the applicant would be ready, willing and able to travel to pick up pets from their region immediately after the Rapture occurred. They’ll need to prove they have the space in their home to house these pets, etc. I’d screen people to be sure they are in fact non-believers so they won’t be sneaking out and joining the heaven bound set. And I sure as heck don’t want any Satanists. They, after all, will likely be too busy partying their heads off with Satan to fulfill their animal rescue contracts once the Christians depart.
Hey… don’t forget… December 21, 2012 is right around the corner, and that’s when the Mayan calendar runs out. Now, there’s a sure sign to any fundie that the End is near!
Mrs. Hump thinks this is down right unethical. I say it’s only unethical if I fail to honor my commitment to those Christians who contract with me. I fully intend to honor my post Rapture contract, since the very thought of a starving animal bothers the devil out of me (so to speak).
Cash up front; no refunds;owners of snakes, spiders, lizards need not apply. Owners of camels are entitled to a 50% discount. Hey…maybe a special rate for beloved house plants!!! THANK YA JEEEZUS!!!
A good internet friend emailed me a website from an enterprising atheist in Great Britain. He offers a post Rapture pet rescue service. For the sum of about 70 Pounds Sterling (roughly $115.00), an atheist Brit will come to the Raptured pet owner’s house and adopt the abandoned pet. It seems he's actually getting business. Here’s the link: http://www.postrapturepetcare.com/
When I read this two things clicked in my head: First … Stupid fundies! Second … GOLD MINE!!!
According to various polls, between 40% and 60% of Americans believe in Jesus’ return and the Rapture. I’ll estimate perhaps 50 million deluded Rapture freak families in the US. If only 10% of them own pets and care enough to have them saved from certain death after the Rapture …. possibly even becoming the main course for some immigrant from an Asian culture … at $115 a pet we are talking a sales potential of over $500 Million!
I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t mind having a piece of that action!
Who better than an atheist to care for the left behind pet? We darn sure aren’t beaming up to Candy Land. Our type are known animal lovers, representing a large portion of PETA membership. We are trust worthy as evidenced by a very low incidence of arrest or imprisonment of atheists per Federal Prison statistics.
So I’m toying with setting up this service for the North East and franchising it to other sections of the country. While New England wouldn’t be a top performing area, representatives in the Midwest and the South, the Bible Belt, would have more takers than they could shake a pooper scooper at.
Naturally, I’d want to review the references of potential franchisees to make sure that the applicant would be ready, willing and able to travel to pick up pets from their region immediately after the Rapture occurred. They’ll need to prove they have the space in their home to house these pets, etc. I’d screen people to be sure they are in fact non-believers so they won’t be sneaking out and joining the heaven bound set. And I sure as heck don’t want any Satanists. They, after all, will likely be too busy partying their heads off with Satan to fulfill their animal rescue contracts once the Christians depart.
Hey… don’t forget… December 21, 2012 is right around the corner, and that’s when the Mayan calendar runs out. Now, there’s a sure sign to any fundie that the End is near!
Mrs. Hump thinks this is down right unethical. I say it’s only unethical if I fail to honor my commitment to those Christians who contract with me. I fully intend to honor my post Rapture contract, since the very thought of a starving animal bothers the devil out of me (so to speak).
Cash up front; no refunds;owners of snakes, spiders, lizards need not apply. Owners of camels are entitled to a 50% discount. Hey…maybe a special rate for beloved house plants!!! THANK YA JEEEZUS!!!
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Blaming the Godless Messenger
Recently a fundie accused me of continuously focusing on media reports of the hideous acts committed by Christians, both clergy and lay people. You know, the murder of the abortion doctor, the acts of Fred Phelps, the molestation of kids by pastors, the torture of children by devout parents, etc.
Evidently, the fact that clergy, men of God, vicars of Christ, and the deluded sheep they herd frequently commit atrocities and obscene acts of abuse and degradation on their fellow man in the name of God/Jesus or to fend off Satan, wasn’t his primary concern. It’s the reporting of it that irked him … as though I singlehandedly might give religion a bad name (religion does that all by itself with no help from me.)
Evidently, the fact that clergy, men of God, vicars of Christ, and the deluded sheep they herd frequently commit atrocities and obscene acts of abuse and degradation on their fellow man in the name of God/Jesus or to fend off Satan, wasn’t his primary concern. It’s the reporting of it that irked him … as though I singlehandedly might give religion a bad name (religion does that all by itself with no help from me.)
Invariably the old canard pops up:
“ Any one who calls themselves a Christian who perpetrates those acts is “not a True Christian.”
But this is nonsense. We have been amused and disgusted by this tact for as long as these US Christian fundamentalist sects have been holding themselves up as the arbiters of who is / isn’t a Christian, in spite of what scripture and Jesus himself identifies as prerequisites for being “saved” / labeled Christian.
No, the condemnation, the complaint, this fundie has is with me, the messenger. Better these “fake” Christian’s acts not be held up to scrutiny and dragged into the light of public opinion. Better the self appointed inquisitors of who is / isn’t Christian be spared the embarrassment and indignity of having to explain away, apologize, deny how a doctrine that claims a monopoly on morality and goodness breeds such disgusting behavior.
The media is full of these reports of theist attrocity. It’s a weekly if not daily occurrence. A recent example is a forced exorcism on a child by his mother who handcuffed him and denied him food for three days in order to purge "the demon" from his body. Here’s the whole story: http://www.11alive.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=131511&catid=3
Ask a fundie: “Without religious superstitions, from where would such a delusion leading to such abuse have originated????” …their silence is deafening.
Whether it’s hyper-religiosity caused by mental disease, or simply a minister taking advantage of a child by using his shaman like authority to intimidate, these acts are there. They are real. They are commited by the devout, the followers of a mythic man-god, the readers of and adherents to scripture. They justify the act in the name of scripture.
When the day arrives that an atheist tortures or murders her own child in the name of “NO God” or “NO Satanic possession”; or a renowned atheist figure rapes a child and uses his atheism as leverage to get into that kid’s pants and intimidate him into silence, I promise to report it. Until then, don’t blame the godless messenger for the copious grotesque acts of the religiously deluded. It comes with theist territory.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
What's more Christian than Praying for the Death of the President?
Imprecatory Psalms [are those prayers] … which invoke judgment, calamity, or curses, upon one's enemies or those perceived as the enemies of God. ... As a sample ... Psalm 139:9 which declares "Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones…”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imprecatory_Psalms
Christian apologetics websites allot thousands of words to the subject of imprecatory prayer. Mostly they are convoluted double talking contradictions that simultaneously claim such things to be both righteous and wrong; justifiable and ill advised; misinterpreted and clearly defined. Once again it seems their God hasn’t made his meaning clear enough for them to get their opinions and acts together.
But praying for the death of someone who is your perceived enemy or who you have decided is the enemy of God is as Christian as can be. Fundies have no problem, it seems, invoking God’s help to kill people who are deemed their enemy.
An ex Navy Christian Chaplain prays for the death of Rev. Barry Lynn of Americans United and Mikey Weinstein, the head of Military Religious Freedom Foundation. Why? What horrible things did these men do to justify calling upon God to smite them? Rev. Lynn is a leader in the effort to keep church and state separate. And Mikey Weinstein fights to give servicemen the right to not be discriminated against for being other than Christian. Evidently that’s a good reason to pray for their deaths.
Here’s the whole story:
http://blog.au.org/2009/04/27/spiritual-warfare-exchaplain-prays-for-death-of-aus-lynn/
More recently, a former president of the Southern Baptist Christian Convention prays for the death of President Obama, and says it was prayers for Dr. Tillman’s death that caused his murder. Further, he says that not using imprecatory prayer is to fail as a Christian, for it is the duty of Christians to pray for the death of people who are counter to Christian belief.
Read all about it: http://www.abpnews.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=4131&Itemid=53
Notice… they don’t pray for these men to change their minds…Oh no. Death prayers are the preferred appeal to God.
Praying for the death of law abiding activist defenders of the Constitution, the President of the United States, and doctors who support women’s right to choose: Examples of that famous “Christian love” which is more than skin deep … it goes right down to the bone.
Now, let’s see… to whom do atheists devoutly appeal on bended knee in order to invoke a supernatural wrath to befall our enemies?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imprecatory_Psalms
Christian apologetics websites allot thousands of words to the subject of imprecatory prayer. Mostly they are convoluted double talking contradictions that simultaneously claim such things to be both righteous and wrong; justifiable and ill advised; misinterpreted and clearly defined. Once again it seems their God hasn’t made his meaning clear enough for them to get their opinions and acts together.
But praying for the death of someone who is your perceived enemy or who you have decided is the enemy of God is as Christian as can be. Fundies have no problem, it seems, invoking God’s help to kill people who are deemed their enemy.
An ex Navy Christian Chaplain prays for the death of Rev. Barry Lynn of Americans United and Mikey Weinstein, the head of Military Religious Freedom Foundation. Why? What horrible things did these men do to justify calling upon God to smite them? Rev. Lynn is a leader in the effort to keep church and state separate. And Mikey Weinstein fights to give servicemen the right to not be discriminated against for being other than Christian. Evidently that’s a good reason to pray for their deaths.
Here’s the whole story:
http://blog.au.org/2009/04/27/spiritual-warfare-exchaplain-prays-for-death-of-aus-lynn/
More recently, a former president of the Southern Baptist Christian Convention prays for the death of President Obama, and says it was prayers for Dr. Tillman’s death that caused his murder. Further, he says that not using imprecatory prayer is to fail as a Christian, for it is the duty of Christians to pray for the death of people who are counter to Christian belief.
Read all about it: http://www.abpnews.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=4131&Itemid=53
Notice… they don’t pray for these men to change their minds…Oh no. Death prayers are the preferred appeal to God.
Praying for the death of law abiding activist defenders of the Constitution, the President of the United States, and doctors who support women’s right to choose: Examples of that famous “Christian love” which is more than skin deep … it goes right down to the bone.
Now, let’s see… to whom do atheists devoutly appeal on bended knee in order to invoke a supernatural wrath to befall our enemies?
Oops ...Oh yeah, I forgot… we don’t.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Eating God's Body: Has Christianity ANY Originality?
Ok, here’s a quiz for you: what tastes like a dry piece of matzo and cheap wine?
If you answered a dead Jewish Man-god, you’re partially right.
In 1Corinthians Jesus is purported to have said:
11:23 For I have received of the Lord that which also I delivered unto you, That the Lord Jesus the same night in which he was betrayed took bread:
11:24 And when he had given thanks, he brake it, and said, Take, eat: this is my body, which is broken for you: this do in remembrance of me.
11:25 After the same manner also he took the cup, when he had supped, saying, This cup is the new testament in my blood: this do ye, as oft as ye drink it, in remembrance of me.
Christians refer to this practice as the consumption of the Eucharist. Hey, that Jesus, what an original guy!! I mean leave it to him to come up with this unique and singularly Christian way of remembering him and internalizing, if you will, Jesus as ones savior.
WHOA, not so fast!! It seems Jesus, or more precisely, the writers of the Jesus myth borrowed this lovely practice of symbolic cannibalism from ancient pagan religions. Yep, that’s right. The religious practice is called theophagy, literally “god-eating.”
In the book The Golden Bough by Sir James G. Frazer the many pagan religions who symbolically gobbled up their gods are covered in great detail. Of notable gods who required this practice was the Greek god Dionysus, son of the supreme god Zeus. Grain and wine were substitues for his body and consumed by his worshipers as part of their religious rites.
Interestingly, Dionysus was the son of Zeus, and a human woman, Zeus having impregnated her…Hmmmm. He wandered Asia teaching people how to cultivate vineyards. There are other similarities between him and the Jesus story. Indeed, there are a number of scholars, among them Rudolph Bultman, and more recently Barry B. Powell, who attribute Jesus’ turning of water into wine to Dionysian legend. [Oh … btw… Bultman was Lutheran, a professor of theology, and New Testament scholar.] But I digress…
That symbolic cannibalizing of ones favored god was incorporated into Christianity, along with so many other pagan practices (i.e. All Saints Day/ Celtic Halloween; Easter/ celebration of the Spring equinox; Christmas / celebration of the winter solstice; the concept of Trinity / Hinduism; etc.) shouldn’t be much of a surprise to anyone … well except to Christians to whom knowledge of such things are best left unlearned.
So Christians, eat up your Jesus cookie with a sip of Chianti. It’s a meal fit for the worshipping clowns of a pagan man-god, or a very unoriginal King of the Jews.
If you answered a dead Jewish Man-god, you’re partially right.
In 1Corinthians Jesus is purported to have said:
11:23 For I have received of the Lord that which also I delivered unto you, That the Lord Jesus the same night in which he was betrayed took bread:
11:24 And when he had given thanks, he brake it, and said, Take, eat: this is my body, which is broken for you: this do in remembrance of me.
11:25 After the same manner also he took the cup, when he had supped, saying, This cup is the new testament in my blood: this do ye, as oft as ye drink it, in remembrance of me.
Christians refer to this practice as the consumption of the Eucharist. Hey, that Jesus, what an original guy!! I mean leave it to him to come up with this unique and singularly Christian way of remembering him and internalizing, if you will, Jesus as ones savior.
WHOA, not so fast!! It seems Jesus, or more precisely, the writers of the Jesus myth borrowed this lovely practice of symbolic cannibalism from ancient pagan religions. Yep, that’s right. The religious practice is called theophagy, literally “god-eating.”
In the book The Golden Bough by Sir James G. Frazer the many pagan religions who symbolically gobbled up their gods are covered in great detail. Of notable gods who required this practice was the Greek god Dionysus, son of the supreme god Zeus. Grain and wine were substitues for his body and consumed by his worshipers as part of their religious rites.
Interestingly, Dionysus was the son of Zeus, and a human woman, Zeus having impregnated her…Hmmmm. He wandered Asia teaching people how to cultivate vineyards. There are other similarities between him and the Jesus story. Indeed, there are a number of scholars, among them Rudolph Bultman, and more recently Barry B. Powell, who attribute Jesus’ turning of water into wine to Dionysian legend. [Oh … btw… Bultman was Lutheran, a professor of theology, and New Testament scholar.] But I digress…
That symbolic cannibalizing of ones favored god was incorporated into Christianity, along with so many other pagan practices (i.e. All Saints Day/ Celtic Halloween; Easter/ celebration of the Spring equinox; Christmas / celebration of the winter solstice; the concept of Trinity / Hinduism; etc.) shouldn’t be much of a surprise to anyone … well except to Christians to whom knowledge of such things are best left unlearned.
So Christians, eat up your Jesus cookie with a sip of Chianti. It’s a meal fit for the worshipping clowns of a pagan man-god, or a very unoriginal King of the Jews.
Friday, June 5, 2009
I WONDER ...
... how many African's lives, men women and children, would have been spared the ravages of AIDS, had this imbecilic Nazi shaman's father used a condom?
... how does ignoring medical science and condemning people to death through ignorant statements translate to "Christian Love"?
... how do theists reconcile the massive number of deaths that will result from this mindlessness, with the comparative few abortions Dr. Tiller conducted? And will some loving Christian fanatic thus be driven to violence against the pope and the Vatican as a result?
Probably not. The scope of this witch doctor's carnage is lost on them. Besides, as the leader of the church these deaths are done in Christ's name. It's all good.
Ask Pope Urban II (1st Crusades), Pope Innocent III (Spanish Inquisition), Pope Pius XII (Hitler's enabler for the Jewish "final solution") among so many other death dealers for Jesus down through history.
... how does ignoring medical science and condemning people to death through ignorant statements translate to "Christian Love"?
... how do theists reconcile the massive number of deaths that will result from this mindlessness, with the comparative few abortions Dr. Tiller conducted? And will some loving Christian fanatic thus be driven to violence against the pope and the Vatican as a result?
Probably not. The scope of this witch doctor's carnage is lost on them. Besides, as the leader of the church these deaths are done in Christ's name. It's all good.
Ask Pope Urban II (1st Crusades), Pope Innocent III (Spanish Inquisition), Pope Pius XII (Hitler's enabler for the Jewish "final solution") among so many other death dealers for Jesus down through history.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Haven't we had ENOUGH of their "Christian Love"?
Yesterday a respected OBGYN was murdered by an anti-abortionist religious fanatic demonstrating that famous Christian love. Dr. Tiller was in his Kansas church, volunteering as an usher, when he was killed.
While the act is being publicly condemned by religious anti-abortion organizations whose history is rife with incitement to kill abortion providers, secretly, they revel in the news. Indeed, there are postings all over the internet by good loving Christians openly applauding the murder, and wishing he’d died a more horrible and slow death.
No doubt there will be those self appointed arbiters of who is and isn’t a Christian who will pronouce the murderer and those who celebrate his act as "not TRUE Christians". How very convenient, how predictable, how self serving. To them I say “go fuck yourself.”
Hardly a day goes by where the media doesn’t report a minister, priest, deacon, Christian youth counselor, etc., molesting a child here or abroad, and the church covering it up or down playing it.
Hardly a week passes where we don’t hear of a Christian parent letting their child die of a treatable disease, or evading court order for treatment, because they preferred to trust in God to heal the child.
Hardly a month expires when we don’t hear of anti-Semitic scrawling on synagogues, or the destruction of Jewish cemeteries somewhere in this country or Europe; or Evangelical soldiers and Chaplains aggressively proselytizing Muslims in war zones against standing orders, or harassing & threatening non-Christian servicemen in their proselytizing zeal.
Then there’s the anti-gay marriage crusade of those loving Christian activists whose lives and freedoms and marriages are somehow mysteriously and inexplicably diminished by the state’s recognition of the union of two loving humans with matching genitalia.
And who can forget the inspiring words of the Pope who barely two months ago, against all medical scientific reality, stupidly blamed the use of condoms for spreading the AIDs virus in Africa; using his influence among the ignorant to further the spread of the disease to the most devastated continent on the planet?
Jesus H. Fucking Christ!! Didn’t we have ENOUGH of their hideous “Christian love” during the Dark and Middle Ages to last us forever? Evidently not.
While the act is being publicly condemned by religious anti-abortion organizations whose history is rife with incitement to kill abortion providers, secretly, they revel in the news. Indeed, there are postings all over the internet by good loving Christians openly applauding the murder, and wishing he’d died a more horrible and slow death.
No doubt there will be those self appointed arbiters of who is and isn’t a Christian who will pronouce the murderer and those who celebrate his act as "not TRUE Christians". How very convenient, how predictable, how self serving. To them I say “go fuck yourself.”
Hardly a day goes by where the media doesn’t report a minister, priest, deacon, Christian youth counselor, etc., molesting a child here or abroad, and the church covering it up or down playing it.
Hardly a week passes where we don’t hear of a Christian parent letting their child die of a treatable disease, or evading court order for treatment, because they preferred to trust in God to heal the child.
Hardly a month expires when we don’t hear of anti-Semitic scrawling on synagogues, or the destruction of Jewish cemeteries somewhere in this country or Europe; or Evangelical soldiers and Chaplains aggressively proselytizing Muslims in war zones against standing orders, or harassing & threatening non-Christian servicemen in their proselytizing zeal.
Then there’s the anti-gay marriage crusade of those loving Christian activists whose lives and freedoms and marriages are somehow mysteriously and inexplicably diminished by the state’s recognition of the union of two loving humans with matching genitalia.
And who can forget the inspiring words of the Pope who barely two months ago, against all medical scientific reality, stupidly blamed the use of condoms for spreading the AIDs virus in Africa; using his influence among the ignorant to further the spread of the disease to the most devastated continent on the planet?
Jesus H. Fucking Christ!! Didn’t we have ENOUGH of their hideous “Christian love” during the Dark and Middle Ages to last us forever? Evidently not.
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