The Right Reverend Jeremiah “Billy Bob” Mountebank is the pastor of The First Church of Eternal Life and Small Engine Repair in Waco, Texas. He has caused a stir among his congregation and the press by predicting that the biblical End Times are about to take place based on recent world wide natural disasters, “acts of God” if you will.
On a recent visit to an offshoot congregation of his in New Hampshire, I had the opportunity to meet with Reverend Mountebank and get the low down on the imminent destruction of the world as we know it.
Hump: Reverend Mountebank, I understand you have proclaimed that the End Times are at hand. Since the bible says no man knows the timing on what do you base your prediction.
Rev. Mountebank: Please, call me Reverend Billy Bob, there’s no point on being formal now with the End at hand.
Hump: Ok then, Billy Bob.
Rev. BB: Uh…that’s REVEREND Billy Bob.
Hump: Oh, sorry… Reverend Billy Bob.
Rev. BB: Well, the signs are very clear – tsunamis; meteorites flaming in the sky; earthquakes in Haiti, China, Utah, Chili; mudslides in Brazil, a volcano in Iceland, war and civil unrest, locust plague in Australia, homos getting married, a nigra president…
Hump [interrupting]: Wait a second Reverend, what do laws permitting gays to marry, or the election of an African-American President have to do with biblical End Times prophesy?
Rev. BB: Well, son, you see it’s all part of the sign you know… natural disasters, chaos, and Satan’s growing influence and power affecting the world. Never in the 6,000 year history of the planet have there been so many disasters, wars and certainly never a homo marriage or nigra world leader.
Hump: But Billy Bob…
Rev. BB: That’s REVEREND Billy Bob!
Hump: Right, Reverend Billy Bob… but natural disasters happen every day all over the planet, as many as 20,000 earthquakes a year, 50 a day. It’s only that we are made aware of those that happen in heavily populated areas, such as the most recent ones. Besides, earthquakes have only been systematically measured and recorded by scientists for the past hundred years out of Earth’s 4 billion plus year history. Volcanoes erupt continuously on land and under water; and as far as wars, there has never been even a single year in recorded history where war hasn’t…
Rev. BB: You’ve been deceived by Satan, boy!! The Devil has got you to thinking too much. There used to be maybe a dozen or so earthquakes a century, now its killer earthquakes every week, and balls of flame in the sky and hellfire volcanoes in otherwise ice cold places. It’s God telling us to gird our loins an’ git ready to come home. Satan is stirring the pot using heathen A-rabs to do his dirty work. He’s bending people’s minds to accept sodomites as normal folk; causing them Mexicans to swarm over the border; and putting a communist bearer of the mark of Cain, the Afro-Negro or whatever you call them, in charge of Jesus’ chosen nation … it’s all as the bible said it would be. Hallelujah!!
Hump: But I’ve read the bible and it doesn’t mention anything about gays, Mexicans or Blacks foretelling the End Times.
Rev. BB: CONTEXT!! Context, boy!! You have to read the bible in its proper context, it’s all there. Besides, God spoke to me and told me the end is near. We was having a bowl of grits and fat back and… Hey! You ain’t one of them Liberal Jeeews, or idol worshipping papists, or faggots yer self are ya? Are you right with God? Are you prepared to meet your maker, welcome the Lord Jesus Christ’s return, and be embraced by his love, light, kindness, forgiveness, tolerance and goodness … are you saved, boy?
Hump: Actually I’m an atheist.
Rev. BB: Atheist?? There ain’t no such thing—you just hate God and the Baby Jesus, you godless heathen monkey worshipper! I’ll enjoy watching you burn in hell for an eternity while I’m sipping a cool libation in Heaven and stroking the Lord’s hair, boy. Now get the hell out of my face you baby-eating-communist-spawn-of-Satan, there’s a Fox camera crew over there and I know THEY love them some Jesus.
On a recent visit to an offshoot congregation of his in New Hampshire, I had the opportunity to meet with Reverend Mountebank and get the low down on the imminent destruction of the world as we know it.
Hump: Reverend Mountebank, I understand you have proclaimed that the End Times are at hand. Since the bible says no man knows the timing on what do you base your prediction.
Rev. Mountebank: Please, call me Reverend Billy Bob, there’s no point on being formal now with the End at hand.
Hump: Ok then, Billy Bob.
Rev. BB: Uh…that’s REVEREND Billy Bob.
Hump: Oh, sorry… Reverend Billy Bob.
Rev. BB: Well, the signs are very clear – tsunamis; meteorites flaming in the sky; earthquakes in Haiti, China, Utah, Chili; mudslides in Brazil, a volcano in Iceland, war and civil unrest, locust plague in Australia, homos getting married, a nigra president…
Hump [interrupting]: Wait a second Reverend, what do laws permitting gays to marry, or the election of an African-American President have to do with biblical End Times prophesy?
Rev. BB: Well, son, you see it’s all part of the sign you know… natural disasters, chaos, and Satan’s growing influence and power affecting the world. Never in the 6,000 year history of the planet have there been so many disasters, wars and certainly never a homo marriage or nigra world leader.
Hump: But Billy Bob…
Rev. BB: That’s REVEREND Billy Bob!
Hump: Right, Reverend Billy Bob… but natural disasters happen every day all over the planet, as many as 20,000 earthquakes a year, 50 a day. It’s only that we are made aware of those that happen in heavily populated areas, such as the most recent ones. Besides, earthquakes have only been systematically measured and recorded by scientists for the past hundred years out of Earth’s 4 billion plus year history. Volcanoes erupt continuously on land and under water; and as far as wars, there has never been even a single year in recorded history where war hasn’t…
Rev. BB: You’ve been deceived by Satan, boy!! The Devil has got you to thinking too much. There used to be maybe a dozen or so earthquakes a century, now its killer earthquakes every week, and balls of flame in the sky and hellfire volcanoes in otherwise ice cold places. It’s God telling us to gird our loins an’ git ready to come home. Satan is stirring the pot using heathen A-rabs to do his dirty work. He’s bending people’s minds to accept sodomites as normal folk; causing them Mexicans to swarm over the border; and putting a communist bearer of the mark of Cain, the Afro-Negro or whatever you call them, in charge of Jesus’ chosen nation … it’s all as the bible said it would be. Hallelujah!!
Hump: But I’ve read the bible and it doesn’t mention anything about gays, Mexicans or Blacks foretelling the End Times.
Rev. BB: CONTEXT!! Context, boy!! You have to read the bible in its proper context, it’s all there. Besides, God spoke to me and told me the end is near. We was having a bowl of grits and fat back and… Hey! You ain’t one of them Liberal Jeeews, or idol worshipping papists, or faggots yer self are ya? Are you right with God? Are you prepared to meet your maker, welcome the Lord Jesus Christ’s return, and be embraced by his love, light, kindness, forgiveness, tolerance and goodness … are you saved, boy?
Hump: Actually I’m an atheist.
Rev. BB: Atheist?? There ain’t no such thing—you just hate God and the Baby Jesus, you godless heathen monkey worshipper! I’ll enjoy watching you burn in hell for an eternity while I’m sipping a cool libation in Heaven and stroking the Lord’s hair, boy. Now get the hell out of my face you baby-eating-communist-spawn-of-Satan, there’s a Fox camera crew over there and I know THEY love them some Jesus.
23 comments:
So... you DO worship monkeys! (I knew it)
The rest needs no comment :-)
And Rev. BB is one of the more sane ones of the fundagelical persuasion.
Glenn... of course I worship monkeys, don't you? Heck, look at NEBob's picture.
Bob... you give ole "Billy Bob" waaay too much credit ;)
Me want Banana!
when you guys start dying, you start begging...
you know nothing about the REAL WORLD, stupid little atheists...
What really slays me is that people have become even dumber over time. It used to be that the ancients greek priests used to have to employ all forms of mechanical trickery in their temples to convince the local sheep of the power of their respective deity, nowadays all it takes is nonsensical bs from a moron to convince them.
Devil,
Interesting observation I never considered before.
Yes, water driven or weight activated devices to make doors open or statues turn and moan, etc. Those Greeks were some showman.
I wonder...are people now just more gulible? I'll ponder this.
thks
with the atheists:
they start begging when they start dying...
they PAY THE PRICE FOR ATTACKING THE SUPERNATURAL -
with their LIVES...
CRYSTAL NIGHT TONIGHT!
You atheists are my only friends. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have a life. I pray every day to my God, Lord and savior. He never answers me. You guys do. I really love you guys. Your my best friends. Ever! I really mean it too.
Peace Love out
All too plausible, unfortunately.
Natural disasters are no more common globally than they ever were, but nowadays the mass media allow us to hear about everything major that happens everywhere on the planet, whereas a few centuries ago people only knew about events relatively nearby. We have the impression that things like earthquakes are more common due to comparing non-comparable samples.
Some kinds of disasters, like famines, happen less often than they used to, due to modern technology.
Rev. BBM probably sucks at small engine repair just as much as at logic. Luckily for him, there's always room on the airwaves for one more televangelist.
I wonder if any of these people took the legalization of interracial marriage as a sign of the End Times back in the 60s.
@infidel
For me, the end of the world was when I found out Twilight was getting turned into a *gasp*...GRAPHIC NOVEL!
As an avid manga fan, that just destroyed every notion of morality I held dear.
Edward Cullen. Drawn. And not in a fanfic. It's the mark of the beast I tell you!
Actually, if you consider those earthquakes humans can barely notice, there are 1.5 million or them every year! Considering the fact that our population is almost 7 billion - spreading all over the world including 'desert' areas - and that communications is so much improved nowadays, it is only logical that such disasters cause more victims and are easier to track. During the filming of Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean, actor Johnny Deep noticed the sad fact that there are no desert beaches in that area, anymore: today each and every beach is inhabitated. If a tsunami happens, of course ther will be victims.
infidel / aspen... clearly Satan has caused you guys think too much. Repent!!
Hump,
Did you make this guy up? Billy Bob is too stupid to live. Surely he's not real. I can drive to Waco in an hour and find out :)
@NEBob - can I come live in your cave? Me like banana too LOL!
@Devil,
That's a really interesting train of thought. I think the industrial revolution removed the mystery of electricity, running water etc. Today, technology is so ubiquitous that it no longer seems magical. So, that begs the question, why are people still so gullible and easily brain washed? I guess it has something to do with human nature itself. Also, I think that the average American still doesn't have a good working knowledge of physics, mathematics, geology and other sciences that explain things like earthquakes and evolution. Again, the technology is so ubiquitous and easy to use, that understanding why and how it works is not necessary for every day life. And what people do not understand, they continue to ignore or distort
LONGHORNN>>Whoa! slow down, and put the car keys where you can't find them.
Heres your answer:
Go to www.dictionary.com and look up the reverend's last name "mountebank".
Sorry if this guy's stupidity was so convincing as to be a point of confusion. I'm getting the same question on facebook. :)
DM: but you have NO ANSWER TO DEATH...
Here's my atheist answer to death.
NOSTRADAMUS -
Snicker.
So Drom, you were rigt (again). DM won't even engage in a conversation with me, a self-professed Christian who is known best here by you. If you thought that I had nothing to contribute or was just babbling right-wing, Moral Majority nonsense, I wouldn't expect to be allowed here and I defintinetly wouldn't expect us to be the good friends that we are.
I'm growing weary of DM. It's your blog and you are free to do with it what you wish, but I for one could do without his ridiculous rantings. I'm sure I'm not alone.
Joyce...
If blogspot had a banning function I'd have used it long ago.
But he has a function. You see, this is what atheists point to when we speak of mindless christians. This is the quitessential example. To that end he functions as reinforceing what we already knew. Heck, if there weren't mindless Xtians like that, we'd have to invent them :)
But I've come along way. I know that it's not representative of all believers. So, there is no reason for you to feel uncomfortable. The less we recognise it and give it our attention the better. I think most of us, as well as the other blogs he visits, have done the same thing.
Billy Bob here is the type of Christian you keep away from kids. They are an unstable lot.
Whack jobs like DM that brainwash their kids at 5 yrs old and make them think they need to be saved and that some mystical space being is going to punish them if don't do xy and z, just look at the likes of warren jeffs and those pedophile Mormons. It wouldn't surprise me if DM subscribed to the same philosophy.
The turning point for me was watching dateline several years ago and they had this segment on about whack jobs, ok the segment was not titled whack jobs, where they went on and on about their beliefs and then out of the blue their 5 year old daughter comes on and starts talking about how she was saved - just amazing.
Devil said: "Whack jobs like DM that brainwash their kids at 5 yrs old . ." If you want to see the brainwashing going on at a much earlier age than that: http://kdhnews.com/news/story.aspx?s=40824. The God Virus in action. Grandma and grandpa pass it on to mom and dad and they to 12 of their 13 children. One was born with the only known antidote to the virus: a birth defect that destroys brain function. I normally would feel sorry for that poor child. In this case he is the only one in the family for whom I don't feel sorry.
Now I want you to listen to this little f*cker...
http://www.ted.com/talks/james_randi.html
Randi:
When I see your UGLY FACE I understand why you are an atheist
the really SHARP END OF OCCAM’S RAZOR…
they mix SKEPTICISM with ATHEISM…
KABOOM…
I wonder why "Rev BB" doesn't sound like our DM. That's true of "showmen" preachers like those found on TV. So clearly a different kind of mental pathology is involved.
Post a Comment