Conversation with a “Devout Catholic” Hairdresser.

I was getting my hair cut today in preparation for my book signing event on Sunday.
The young lady, I’ll call her Stephanie, has been cutting my hair for a few months now, and is friendly and gregarious; reasonably articulate; normal in every way. I thought.

In casual conversation I mentioned my book. She was stunned momentarily, announced that she was a “devout catholic”, and told me light heartedly that I’m going to Hell. “Hey, no problemo here”, I said…” I hope Anne Frank knows how to play poker.’
Blank stare from Stephanie: “Who’s Anne Frank?” she asked.

Curious, I asked her exactly what she means by “devout Catholic” -- how exactly does it differentiate her from “regular Catholic”? She replied “Well, I go to mass every Sunday, don’t practice birth control, oppose abortion for any reason, and am a Conservative Republican.” The last one struck me as particularly weird since I don’t recall anything in Catholic dogma that demanded a particular political position or specific party affiliation as a prerequisite for being Catholic, devout or otherwise.

Being careful not to provoke anything that would cause her to carve a cross into the back of my head, I asked how often she read the Bible? She said she’s never read it.

I asked: “Well, you believe in transubstantiation I assume.” She said she never heard that term, but she follows the teaching of Jesus. So I ask what teachings of Jesus in particular she admires. Stephanie’s reply: “The Ten Commandments.” (!)

When I explain that the Ten Commandments preceded Jesus by a few thousand years, and were attributed to Moses she said “Oh, yeah, that’s right. But Jesus followed the Ten Commandments because he was Jewish.”

So I ask does she follow the same Jewish laws that Jesus did, as he told everyone they must, the ones in Leviticus, Deuteronomy, etc., like stoning unruly children to death, keeping kosher, not wearing mixed fiber clothes, not suffering witches to live…?
“Some kids sure could use a stoning.” She laughed “But I don’t believe in witches.”

I could tell she had no idea WTF I was talking about. But then she volunteered that she’d rather die in child birth, and leave her other three kids all under the age of 9, without a mother, than terminate the pregnancy of a severely ill malformed fetus that would likely not live more than a few hours. That was enough for me. There was a copy of a trashy celebrity magazine on her counter plastered with Michael Jackson’s face (yes, he’s STILL dead) which all of a sudden I found very interesting. I got a damn good haircut; I left her a 25% tip; set up the next appointment; and we said our goodbyes

So I had my answer. A devout catholic is one who goes to church every week; has no concept of a foundational element of her religion- transubstantiation; doesn’t practice birth control; never read the bible; doesn’t know who is credited with handing down Ten Commandments; hasn’t a clue what Jesus taught; and would kill herself and leave her three children motherless to give a defective fetus an hours worth of life.

Ok, got it. Thanks. Sorry I asked.

Pity the Poor Persecuted Christians

“Here in America the persecuation [sic] of Christians has not yet reached the feverish pitch as in other parts of the world. There is still a Constitution that protects them and allows them to freely practice their faith … Slowly, methodically, and incrementally the anti-God forces are working to remove that Constitutional barrier.”

So reads an extract from a Christian website article called “War on Christianity.” It goes on in great detail decrying how prayer & the Bible have been removed from public school; how public property can’t be used to show religious symbols; how churches are threatened with losing tax exemption for openly campaigning for a political candidate.

It claims unfair treatment by the media, bemoaning how religious events aren’t given enough coverage on the major media outlets, and how religious leaders are intentionally cast as “cold and impersonal.” Here’s the site: http://www.jeremiahproject.com/prophecy/warxian.html

They sound as though Christianity is undergoing a veritable Inquisition. Naturally, their perspective comes through the lens of people whose religious fervor infects every aspect of their life. Indeed, they cannot differentiate between their right to practice their religion (which is never even hinted at), and the rights of non-Christians NOT to have the Christian religion forced upon them...which is exactly what they are protesting. By impeding their holy charge to proselytize, convert, harass, badger, impose their beliefs and idiocy on others it is THEY who are being persecuted. That’s about as bizarre a reversal of logic as one could conceive.

There are many other Christian sites who, in the best tradition of their whining martyrs and saints before them, claim persecution at the hands of “secular America.”

Funny thing is … 78% of Americans are Christians. The vast majority of elected government officials are Christian. Seven of the nine Supreme Court Justices are Christian (the other two Jewish). But that doesn't seem to occur to them. Evidently the 16% of the country that comprises atheists and agnostics are united, and powerful enough, to conspire to bring about the demise of Christianity in America. Sounds like a cross between Joseph McCarthy’s Red Scare propaganda, and the vast Jewish Conspiracy myth.

Frankly, I wish it were so. If only Christians could experience genuine persecution just long enough to give them a first hand taste of the true horrors that Christians themselves perpetrated for ages on the Jews, Muslims, the Cathars, the Coptic Christians, “heretics”, atheists, “witches”, early scientists, homosexuals, various Christian sect offshoots, and indigenous peoples who refused capitulation to Christianity.

Let the poor put-a-upon US Christian majority experience the imprisonment, torture, pogroms, exiles, discrimination, displacement, genocide, cultural extinction, exclusionism, which their belief system and religious fervor has perpetrated on people all over the planet for almost two millennia. Then let them cry that they are “persecuted” because they aren’t allowed to shove their idiotic book of fables into our children’s minds in public school. OH MY, the HORROR!!

Enraged Christian Sends Scorching Letter of Protest to Post Rapture Pet Rescue Site

Well, seems some Christians (not the "True" Christians of course) are upset with my Eternal Earth-Bound Pets post rapture pet rescue service. http://www.eternal-earthbound-pets.com/

"Arlene's" letter to Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, and my response which follows it, need no more introduction than that. Enjoy.

This is a ridiculous scam!

I, for one, believe that the Lord will either take or provide for our pets. I believe this because the Bible says that all creation groans for the Lords return. He put that yearning in them so why would they want Him to come back if they weren’t going too? He says that He will create a new heaven and earth where animals will live with us just as in the Garden of Eden.

I’m sure atheists would not be aware of what the Bible says about these things. But I know that the Lord is our provider and true Christians trust Him to supply and care for our every need. Providing for our pets are our need. He would not use atheists for our provision and care givers but… the deceiver would!

So…any so called “Christian” who falls for this scam of yours is wasting their money because they won’t be going in the rapture either.

Please refrain from showing up in my inbox again.
Arlene


Dear Arlene,

Thanks for your letter.

Just for the record, I sent you no email. We do not send spam emails to anyone. Evidently someone you know sent it to you. Check the address.

As for your particular interpretation of scripture: that’s Your interpretation. There are approximately 50 million fundamentalist Christians in the US who will tell you that YOU are not a "true" Christian. But, that’s between you and them.

As for scripture, allow me to assure you, that I am not only well versed, I am considered something of a semi / demi-scholar on both the Tanakh (what you refer to as the “Old Testament”), and the New Testament.

Frankly I find your "Garden of Eden" on Earth concept in a post apocalyptic world immediately following the Rapture and during the Tribulation, to be rather wanting for scriptural support. But that's classicly indicative of Christians' tendency toward torturing scriptural verse into submission to make it justify their preferred view point. Nevertheless, you have a lovely imagination.

You’re entitled to your perspective of Christian dogma. There are over 2,800 sects/denominations of Christianity world wide. If they all agreed on exactly what your god's words meant, there wouldn't be so many of them... there would be only one. Glad to hear it's YOUR sect / YOUR denomination / YOUR personal perspective that is the correct one. That must be very comforting for you.

Have a nice trip. I just hope no one eats your dog for lunch while you’re gone.

Best regards,

Hump

God Fearing Christian Politicians Bite the Dust

By the time you read this you’ll know that Sarah Palin, Gov. of Alaska, McCain’s running mate by the Religious Right’s decree; empty headed fundie; darling of the unthinking religious whack jobs and Rush Limbaugh fanatics; and the woman who, last fall, one of my GOP deluded relatives proclaimed was "the best of all the Presidential candidates" ... has announced her resignation.

Palin says she “prayed” before making her sudden and totally out of the blue decision. Evidently God responded by telling her what we already knew -- she is an utter loser and unworthy to do anything more than go hunting, and play soccer mom and grandma to her “abstinence only” unwed daughter’s baby.

I’m waiting for her real reason to become public. Oh… it will be spun everyway from Sunday, but my considered guess is some really embarrassing story, or financial motive, is lurking just under the surface of her decision. Running for President in 2012? LOL! I doubt there are enough Republican’s who are so brain damaged to want to pit this numb scull against Obama. Bye, Bye, Sarah…don’t shoot yourself in the ass on the way out… it could cause cranial hemorrhaging.

Then there is that OTHER “top GOP presidential hopeful” for 2012 -- Gov. Mark Sanford of South Carolina. This fine upstanding Christian family man with four kids; this champion of Republican “Family Values,” got caught boffing some Argentinean babe while he was allegedly “hiking the Appalachian Trail.” The ole “Appalachian trail” excuse is destined to be a euphemism that will forever be right up there with “getting a Lewinski.”

Now, to be fair, it’s really not Gov. Sanford’s fault. As any good Christians of far right Republican bent will tell you, it’s those damn liberal abortion laws, birth control instead of abstinence efforts, and homosexual marriages that have weakened the nuclear family, and eroded “family values,” whatever the hell they are. Yep. Everything woulda been fine if those damn homos hadn’t been meddling in the sanctity of Gov. Sanford’s marriage. Bye, Bye, Mark ... don’t trip over your “Hiking Stick” (aka “Lewinski Pop”) on the way out.

Well, that narrows the field a bit. That leaves Hindu turned Born Again Christian Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana as the GOP’s best hope in 2012. You remember Bobby, the “young up and comer and New Face of the Republican Party.”

But you may remember Bobby best for the exorcism he conducted on his fiancée. It seems she was possessed by a demon or two, and ole Bobby, with his new found monotheistic fervor, was compelled to cast out that troublesome demon. Now there’s a guy you wanna see in the Oval office with his hand on the nuclear football. Sorry, Bobby… I don’t think so.

To be sure there are a bevy of Creationist / Intel Design, 6,000 year old Earth suborning Christian imbeciles who could be tapped to run against Obama in 2012. I’m rooting for it to be Mike Huckabee. My logic is simple: after losing to a sitting President by a land slide in 2012, and already having been tossed aside in 2008, it will mark Mike Huckabee’s last hurrah forever. Hey Mike, dust off your resume. I hear the First Church of the Baaing Sheep is looking for a preacher.

Bye, Bye bible thumping, hypocritical, supernaturally infected, reality denying Christian GOP presidential hopefuls. Don’t let a talking snake sneak up yer ass on the way out.

“I’m a Religious Nut and Non-Celebrity Loser … Please Kill Me Now!”

Before I rant on, let me first make it perfectly clear that I have never, and will never, view a single episode of the show that I am paraphrasing above. I consider the entire premise unworthy of my time. It demonstrates how low NBC has fallen, and the contempt in which they hold the viewing public. Based on the show’s strong ratings, the contempt is well deserved.

Not only are these people not celebrities in any sense of the word a thinking person would recognize, they are so vapid, so devoid of intellect, character or self respect that I fear I would commit mayhem if exposed to more than the flickering nanosecond it takes to switch to another station when the ads for it come on.

This led me to wonder: Given the desperate cry for attention that caused these third rate washed up media whores to participate in this show, how many of them are believers? I mean, lets face it … you’re not going to find atheist celebrities like Angelina Jolie, George Clooney, Natalie Portman, Woody Allen, Keanu Reeves, Jodie Foster, etc. etc., etc. signing on to this kind of low brow idiocy. Nah … this has got to be strictly the purview of theist losers.

So I did some quick research on the cast members of “I’m a Celebrity…. Etc.” Here are the results:

Stephen Baldwin: an alcoholic and the least talented of the five (six?) acting Baldwin brothers, Stephen is an avowed Born Again Christian. He can’t find legitimate employment being erratic and marginally retarded likely from his years of substance abuse, besides being just plain stupid. He credits Jesus for saving him from one mind numbing addiction and giving him another. Evidently he either conducted a baptism of the cast, or was asked to… and tried to proselytize among his less saved cast members.

In Wiki under “Mindless Rightwing Fanatic Fundie,” there is a picture of Stephen Baldwin, or there should be.

Daniel Baldwin: the second least talented of the Baldwin brothers. Loser, he has been arrested numerous times. Self proclaimed Born Again Christian. No surprise there.

Heidi and Spencer Pratt: two people who I have never heard of outside of this show. I take it that much like Paris Hilton they are famous for being famous, and that’s all. Evidently this Spencer jerk went ape-shit on the show to which his wife Heidi, a long time Christian it seems, exclaimed: "he is new to Christianity." I take that to mean that all new Christians go ape-shit(?). Later Spencer leads the group in prayer, which has the miraculous effect of convincing him to stick out the show and disgrace himself further. Hallelujah!

Patti BlogoWhatsHerFace: the wife of the disgraced, impeached, dismissed and soon to be imprisoned Gov. of Illinois -- he is Serbian Orthodox. I don’t know what she is. But she has been seen attending church with him. Thus she is theist, if only based on guilt by association.

Janice Dickenson: I have no idea what or who that is. She says she is Catholic.

Sanjaya Malakar: Not satisfied with just one imaginary god, this clown and American Idol reject is a Hindu. He’ll work for peanuts, just like his elephant god Ganesh. Vishnu be praised!!!

The rest of the cast are too obscure to actually have any info about them readily accessible on the net, but the point is made. There are no atheists, no skeptics, not even an agnostic who is so lacking in self respect, intellect or money to lend themselves to this offering of visual fecal matter, and potpourri of morons. No. It takes a theist to stoop to that level. Amen.

NOW ON SALE



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Rapture Pet Rescue: When You’re Saved, Let the Godless Save Your Furry Friend

The consensus of theists is that animals have no souls. Thus they aren’t Christians. Most believers of the Rapture know that Fido and their other furry friends will be on their own, abandoned to a slow miserable death by starvation once the faithful beam up to Jesus. So the answer to the question posed in the photo above is: “No, Jethro! You’ll be living for an eternity with out good old Sparkey.”

A good internet friend emailed me a website from an enterprising atheist in Great Britain. He offers a post Rapture pet rescue service. For the sum of about 70 Pounds Sterling (roughly $115.00), an atheist Brit will come to the Raptured pet owner’s house and adopt the abandoned pet. It seems he's actually getting business. Here’s the link: http://www.postrapturepetcare.com/

When I read this two things clicked in my head: First … Stupid fundies! Second … GOLD MINE!!!

According to various polls, between 40% and 60% of Americans believe in Jesus’ return and the Rapture. I’ll estimate perhaps 50 million deluded Rapture freak families in the US. If only 10% of them own pets and care enough to have them saved from certain death after the Rapture …. possibly even becoming the main course for some immigrant from an Asian culture … at $115 a pet we are talking a sales potential of over $500 Million!

I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t mind having a piece of that action!

Who better than an atheist to care for the left behind pet? We darn sure aren’t beaming up to Candy Land. Our type are known animal lovers, representing a large portion of PETA membership. We are trust worthy as evidenced by a very low incidence of arrest or imprisonment of atheists per Federal Prison statistics.

So I’m toying with setting up this service for the North East and franchising it to other sections of the country. While New England wouldn’t be a top performing area, representatives in the Midwest and the South, the Bible Belt, would have more takers than they could shake a pooper scooper at.

Naturally, I’d want to review the references of potential franchisees to make sure that the applicant would be ready, willing and able to travel to pick up pets from their region immediately after the Rapture occurred. They’ll need to prove they have the space in their home to house these pets, etc. I’d screen people to be sure they are in fact non-believers so they won’t be sneaking out and joining the heaven bound set. And I sure as heck don’t want any Satanists. They, after all, will likely be too busy partying their heads off with Satan to fulfill their animal rescue contracts once the Christians depart.

Hey… don’t forget… December 21, 2012 is right around the corner, and that’s when the Mayan calendar runs out. Now, there’s a sure sign to any fundie that the End is near!

Mrs. Hump thinks this is down right unethical. I say it’s only unethical if I fail to honor my commitment to those Christians who contract with me. I fully intend to honor my post Rapture contract, since the very thought of a starving animal bothers the devil out of me (so to speak).

Cash up front; no refunds;owners of snakes, spiders, lizards need not apply. Owners of camels are entitled to a 50% discount. Hey…maybe a special rate for beloved house plants!!! THANK YA JEEEZUS!!!