Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Swine Flu End Times Fulfillment!!

Well, seems ole Jesus is playing with pigs one more time. No, he’s not infecting pigs with demons; this time he’s infecting humans with pigs' virus. What a character.

It didn’t take long for the Christian soothsayers to start crediting Jesus with the swine flu outbreak. That’s right; I said “crediting” because this is a good thing to them. Here’s an example of a self appointed prophet of God issuing his advance notice that this is the big one, the precursor to the End Times, the Rapture, Christ’s return, HALLELUJAH!!!

Note the key to his crazed ranting is this passage:
Mathew 24:7 “For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places.”

Well heck, yeah! I mean between war in Iraq and Afghanistan; unrest between Iran and the US, Korea and the US, Venezuela and the US; famine in Africa; the massive earthquake in Italy; and now the Swine Flu pestilence … it’s as obvious as the Virgin Mary’s intact hymen that the shit is about to hit the fan for us non-believers, while a free ride to Candy Land is in store for the faithful. The prophesy is about to be fulfilled!! Thank ya Jeezus!!!

I mean, can it be any more obvious??

Oh sure, there are also conspiracy theorists on the net proclaiming swine flu is a terrorist attack, or a New World Order covert attempt to reduce world population. But no one really is going to buy those crazies, not when the bible itself so plainly spells out the signs that announce Jesus is about to come down and open up a can of whoop asskick on the godless heretics. Besides, internet Christian prophets are all a buzz, and they can’t ALL be wrong.

So here’s the plan. Put on a big gold cross, maybe burn all your heretical books and CDs on your front lawn, and squeal your everlasting devotion to Jesus the Lord of the Pigs. Oink loud and maybe writhe around on the ground like the really hardcore True Christians do. You may still catch the swine flu, but at least if you croak you’ll be assured of resurrection with the rest of the believers who died in all the other pandemics.

I’m guessing a major pork product BBQ in paradise is being prepared. Bring your own Wetones.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Your bling belongs to Jesus…so does your vibrator and your cat.

A particularly vapid fundie woman tells me that all possessions/material things are owned by God/Jebus; that she [we] are only using them like some kind of a lend lease program or communal property. There is nothing in the New Testament to support such a whacky notion. But in the Hebrew Bible there are some verses that lead these goofy folks to think that. Here’s some examples:

Deut. 10:14 “… the heaven of heavens is the LORD's thy God, the earth also, with all that therein is.”

Psalm 50:12 “If I were hungry I would not tell you, For the world is Mine, and all it contains.”
Job 41:11 “Who has given to Me that I should repay him? Whatever is under the whole heaven is Mine.”

Haggai 2:8 “The silver is Mine and the gold is Mine,' declares the LORD of hosts.”

So, if taken and applied literally, private property doesn't exist.

But there’s a problem. Since the Talmud has very specific guidelines for what one does to a thief, how is this reconciled with property not being owned by the individual, but by God? Presumably the plaintiff would have no standing in court since the stolen items wouldn’t be owned by him. Only God could sue / seek recompense. But God wouldn’t sue since the goods have simply changed hands to another “user” no damage has been done. It’s a victimless crime. It was God’s will.

And how does this jibe with Jesus saying:
“Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s, and unto God the things that are God’s” (Matthew 22:21)
Clearly the coin of the realm is material wealth that Jebus had no interest in nor claim on.

And then there is this contradiction:
“The heaven, even the heavens, are the LORD's: but the earth hath he given to the children of men.” (Psalm 115:16)

And this verse that credits not God but Satan with owning everything on Earth:
“The devil taketh him up into an exceeding high mountain, and sheweth him all the kingdoms of the world, and the glory of them; And saith unto him, All these things will I give thee.” (Mathew 4:8-9)

So what’s going on here? This God/Jebus owns everything is clearly a stupid concept and misinterpretation of scripture and rife with multiple contradictions. Further, to imbue a god with ownership of what one earns, buys, and accumulates in a material world is to attribute to a spirit being some vested interest in worldly goods. But, some theists are so devoid of self-respect, self-reliance, self-esteem, and so dependent on their imaginary friend, they can’t conceive of being worthy to own anything free and clear on their own... thus it must be God’s!

Heck, why would Jesus want to claim ownership of that mindless fundie woman’s dildo, her supply of tampons, or her mobile home full of cats and old TV Guides? And if her car isn’t hers, how come she keeps hiding it from the repo man? Silly fundies.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

The “Religion Section” Gets Proper Placement

I noticed something interesting in my local newspaper the other day. After reading the main news and business sections, the next section was the Religion Section. It’s a weekly part of the paper. It’s not a very large part -- one folded page / four printed sides. But only one and a half of those pages are actually devoted to religion. This is, after all, New Hampshire where religion takes a back seat to living, logic and lobster.

There’s only one religion story on the lead page. I always peruse it since one never knows if there will be some good fodder for my blog, or something to animate me to write a scathing letter to the editor debunking some theist’s crazy statement. This week’s story was devoted to Catholicism, boring. I turned the page and browsed the announcements that take up half of page two, the remainder of the religious section: all you can eat church buffets, church bingo events, church tag sales, church raffles, church pancake breakfasts, priest singles night, an alter boy molestation seminar, and previews of the coming Sunday’s sermons from churches all over the area.

Then, what I noticed for the first time about the “Religion Section” made me laugh out loud. On the bottom half of page two was “Strange News Stories” from around the country; you know the type “Dumb Crook Holds Up Bank with Skunk,” “Deer locked in Baskin Robins Store Gets Ice Cream Headache,” etc., etc.) On the third page of the religion section was the comics, the horoscope, and Ann Landers’ advise column. Page four was a full page business ad.

The comics, daily horoscope, funny news from around the country, and an advice column for the chronically befuddled [i.e. “Dear Ann, My boyfriend’s crotch stinks. How do I get him to bathe more frequently?”] … all grouped together there in the Religion Section!!

It caused me to ponder … do they group all the laughable, superstitious, and totally vapid parts of the paper together in this section on purpose, or is this just a coincidence? I’m thinking the former. Either way, it couldn’t be more appropriate. No sense mixing important real world events, information and fact with superstition, humor, pseudo-science, and advice to the confused and weak minded.

I wonder if this is a common practice or peculiar to NH. Check out your paper, you may be living in a less religiously infected area than you think. Or maybe your newspaper’s publisher is an atheist.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Jesus & the Pigs: A Sociopathic Pig Hater, or Just a Weak God? You make the call.

Mathew 8:28-34 gives an account of Jesus purging demons from two men who were possessed. The demons beg Jesus not to send them into the abyss, but instead to allow them to infest a herd of pigs. Jesus agrees. The demons leave the men, go into the pigs, which then promptly run amok, throw themselves over a cliff into a lake and die.

In discussing this weird tale with a fundie, he said it wasn't Jesus who was at fault for the loss of the pigs, “technically it was the demons fault for asking”. Now there’s an example of twisted apologetics. It certainly isn't supported by logic. Let's analyze the alleged event.

What are we to believe?

  • That Jesus wasn't powerful enough to do the exorcism without providing a suitable alternate host?

  • That we have a man-god who takes requests from demons as to how they should be dealt with?

  • That Jesus evidently values the requests of demons over the lives of innocent animals, not to mention demonstrating a complete disregard for the financial loss to the pig's uninvolved owners.

Or putting it in contemporary terms, it would be tantamount to:

  • a cop getting the drop on two known murderers, who he caught in the act of committing a new murder.

  • The murderers ask the cop not to shoot or arrest and imprison them but instead to provide them with a lower life form to slaughter instead of their human victim.

  • The cop agrees and offers them the two Irish Setters strolling down the sidewalk.

Even if in the course of dispatching the two dogs, the killers killed themselves, common sense tells us that the owner of those dogs, and the judge hearing his law suit, would have a lot of questions not the least of which would be why an authority, empowered and equipped to dispose of the criminals in a sanctioned manner, saw fit to acquiesce to the criminals’ request and provide them with substitute victims that belonged to an uninvolved third party?

It takes a pretty good imagination, a fanciful embellishment of the scenario, or serious psychological infirmity to come up with a justification, "technically" or otherwise, that would exonerate the cop and not find him derelict of duty, complicit in the act, and fully liable. Of course, theism is a mental infirmity.

No -- The facts are simple: along with his distain for “fags” (per Fred Phelps) and figs [Mark 11:12-14], Jesus also hates pigs. And much like the donkey he had his henchmen "borrow" for him [Mathew 21:2], he's not at all concerned about taking or destroying other people’s property.

Destroying fig trees, stealing donkeys, killing pigs, setting family members against each other -- all clearly indicate a history of sociopathic behavior. Maybe that's why he was crucified. Sounds like he had it coming.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

God Wraps up a Successful Easter Week

Yep, God had a busy week. He worked his strange and mysterious plan on some of his favorite Christian followers..

  • First, we find out one of His beloved … a loyal God-fearing Sunday school teacher, a woman no less, Melissa Huckaby … was arrested for sexually molesting and killing an eight year old neighborhood child in California. She was doin’ the Lord’s work no doubt. I’m sure the faithful at her church will pray for her, albeit, I can’t imagine why.

  • Then, in New Hampshire, on Easter Sunday, the 150 year old Christian Conference Center and “compound” caught fire and was destroyed. Four people hurt as fifty Christian buildings burned to the ground. "It was a tremendous blessing," said Russ Sample, a volunteer staff member at the conference center. "Had this happened eight weeks later [during the busier summer season], all these buildings could have been full."

    (I don’t suppose NOT having the fire would have been a more "tremendous blessing.")

  • Finally, we find out that Mel Gibson, the devout Christian, producer of the blood drenched movie The Passion of Christ, and anti-Semitic holocaust denier, is being sued for divorce by his wife of 28 years. Evidently Mel couldn't keep it in his pants. With no pre-nup, half of his almost $1 billion in assets are at risk. I guess Mrs. Gibson had her fill of Mel’s Christian goodness.

Ah yes, the Lord was busy tending his flock this holiday weekend. His will be done.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Words of Good Tidings on Easter

Mark 16:6 Be not affrighted: Ye seek The Easter Bunny which was crucified: he is risen; he is not here: behold the place where they laid him.

For on the 3rd day He arose, squeezed out a few chocolate eggs, and hopped out to spread the word of Cadburys and Peeps to all the pagans of the world.

Unfortunately, the mold in the tomb caused a cancerous growth to form on The Bunny’s back, a burden He was forced to carry around with Him forever.

Happy Crucified Bunny Day to One and All.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

God of the Ants

When I was a child I had an ant farm, one of those plastic frames with clear sides filled with sand. You could watch the ants digging and doing their ant thing. I diligently fed them sugar and water. I watched them build their tunnels, never interfering with their daily goings on. They had the ant version of Free Will and manna from heaven.

Had these ants possessed reasoning ability, they would have probably worshipped me as their source of life, their God. Certainly my benevolence and omnipotence would be evident. I was the life giver.

What these ants were totally unaware of is that this same god that gave them sustenance was also a wrathful god. I used to bait wild ant hills with sugar, wait for the colony to swarm, then encircle and crisscross the mass of wild ants with highly flammable model airplane glue and set it on fire. There was no escape. There were never any survivors. It was utter ant genocide. Not even the virgin female ant was taken captive. Clearly if these ants could think it would have been perceived as the act of an angry vengeful god wreaking divine punishment for some inexplicable ant sin.

Eventually I became bored with the ant farm. They were flushed down the toilet, or dispersed into exile in the wilderness, I can't recall which. I guess it was the ant version of the Diaspora, The Great Flood, or maybe the Rapture.

So, was I a good benevolent god, or a punishing wrathful god? I guess to these two disparate groups of ants I was both. I could giveith and taketh away. I worked in strange and mysterious ways. My “Plan” for them was not for them to know, it was something only I could understand.

Theists are much like ants. They credit their unseen imaginary God for their lives, their daily bread, and their fortune. They accept His wrath for their sins in the form of disease, and disasters. They both praise its benevolence and fear its potential for anger and punishment. That they can do this is the result of having evolved a sophisticated nervous system and an imagination far beyond those of primitive insects. But, to the ant’s credit they would if they could, at least have been worshipping an observable carbon based life form.

Advantage: Ants.

Friday, April 3, 2009

A Letter From GOD

Dear Loyal Creation,

Hi! Hope things are going well for you. Of course, I already know how things are going for you, I’m fuckin God after all; I’m just being congenially anthropomorphic for your benefit.

Hey, listen, before I go on I want to let you know I’m really sorry about your infant daughter dying. I wouldn’t want you to think for one minute I didn’t hear your prayers, and see your wife’s tears as she sat by her bedside all those weeks and begged for me to save her. I’m sorry she had to suffer that slow agonizing death, but I haven’t gotten around to providing the doctors with the formula and insight necessary to cure her condition. Maybe in a couple of weeks. I’ve been real busy trying to get North Carolina into the Final Four.

Oh, yes … of course I could have intervened and miraculously saved her; but I work in strange and mysterious ways, as I’m sure you’ve heard. Anyway, you can produce more offspring (shouldn't be too difficult for you, your wife is HOT! I'd do her myself, but the last time I tried that it started a cult). Oh, and thanks for not getting all pissy and giving up belief in me. I know I can count on your continued praise and worship. Hey, what else ya got going for you in your life, right? Hahaha ... just kidding! ( no I’m not).

Anyway, the real reason I’m writing is to let you know you’ve been chosen to be my spokesperson on Earth. I know, I know, you’re thinking “What!? Me?? But I’m nobody, I’m not worthy!” and of course you’d be right. I mean, I could pick someone with much higher intellect, who possesses reasoning skills, and respects logic, say… an atheist. But, you know how they are. They’d ask for proof / evidence, and when I couldn’t provide any, they’d know that they were having a delusion, go seek professional psychiatric care, and get back to the business of being normal productive people in short order. It just wouldn’t work out.

But, YOU on the other hand are so credulous, so sheepishly faithful, so deluded, so resistant to anything smacking of reality, that I know can count on you to blindly mouth my orders and expectations for all mankind. Right now you’re thinking Pat Robertson already does this job. You’re wrong, he's an asshat. I never communicate through him. In fact, it won’t belong before he joins Jerry Falwell in that special place I created for so many of my beloved but all too annoying creations. On the other hand Fred Phelps does some consulting work for me on a pet project of mine. Fred’s a special guy.

So, here’s the deal. Every so often I will communicate to you what I want you to tell the other sheep. Sometimes it’ll be through your dreams, sometimes as voices in your head, sometimes via your cell phone (I’ll put you on my “Favorite Five” speed dial).

Occasionally just for fun I’ll shoot you a sign, like those urine stains on men’s room walls that look like that Jesus character, or the cheese sandwiches that look like that Mary babe. They don’t mean anything, but you can sell them on ebay and supplement your meager income. God Knows (Hehehe) I mean, I knows you could use the extra cash, given your career at Burger King isn’t exactly destine for greatness and you still live in your Mom’s basement.

Well, that’s about it for now. I’ll be in touch. Don’t bother to show this letter to anyone, it’s just a blank piece of typewriter paper, except for the repetitive REDRUM, REDRUM” scrawled in red crayon in your handwriting. People wouldn’t understand.

Don’t call me. I’ll call you.

Omnisciently yours,


Wednesday, April 1, 2009

My Last Post as an Atheist

Dear Valued Readers,

I am happy to announce this will be my last post on this blog.

For the better part of my life I have rejected God. During those many years my pride and my intellect have driven me to speak against Him and defile His name and that of His son Jesus Christ. I realize now how very wrong I’ve been.

The other day I went to church for a memorial service for a friend of my wife’s. In the course of the reading by the minister, which included John 3:16, I had an epiphany. The selflessness of Jesus’ sacrifice; His love for us all; the giving of the full measure of His devotion so that all Mankind could find salvation and ever lasting life in him, hit me like a ton of bricks. I asked for His forgiveness. I felt it flow through me. It felt as though a great weight was lifted from my shoulders. I cried.

The entire congregation came together to comfort me. I felt like the prodigal son who had finally come home, and found true love among those who have always known what I had always rejected. For the first time in my life I feel completeness, a wholeness I didn’t even know I was missing.

I will be starting a new blog next week: . From that point on I will be devoting all my writings to the Truth of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I hope you will join me there. I am imploring everyone to reconsider and come to Jesus as I have done. Accept Him; ask Him to come into your life before it is too late.

It doesn’t mean you have to relinquish your belief in evolution or science. It is simply recognizing that without God evolution could never have happened. He made it all possible, as He makes all things possible. I know this now.

To those who reject Him still, whose hearts are hardened by their intellect and secularism I say to you that I know what you are feeling. I was there. Believe me when I tell you that opening your heart, and mind, and life to Jesus will give you a perspective you’ve never had.

Yours in Christ,

Dromedary Hump