I had the opportunity to interview God just before he entered Behavioral Health of the Palm Beaches, Inc. rehab center. The following is a verbatim transcript of our conversation, albeit, some of his most vicious epithets and rants been deleted to spare my more sensitive readers’ sensibilities.
Hump: Before we start, is it ok if I just call you God?
God: I don’t give a Babylonian baby’s crushed skull what you call me, as long as you don’t call me late for a genocide.
Hump: Ah, a not so veiled reference to Psalms 137:9, I take it.
God: Oh, you’re one of my readers then eh? I suppose you want me to autograph your copy.
Hump: Yes, I’ve read your work; and no- no autograph required. I just wanted to ask you about your committing yourself to rehab. I hear it’s about your anger issues.
God: Oh, that. Yeah, my PR folks thought it might be a good idea. They say a few weeks in anger management rehab would be good for my image. Frankly, it’s all angel shit.
Hump: You don’t sound so committed to the idea. I mean, let’s face it; your anger has been renown for some time…like 3300 years.
God: It’s all been blown out of proportion by the media. Those heathen scum will do anything to make me look bad.
Hump: Well, most of what they attribute to you is in your own book. You know, destroying almost every living thing with a flood; killing the 1st born of Egypt; massacring non-Hebrew tribes down to the last child; demanding people be stoned to death for this and that …lots of other stuff.
God: Hey, fuck you! That was the old me. Once I became schizophrenic and developed my Jesus personality I was cool, everybody knows that!
Hump: So they say. But Jesus/You said he came to set father against son, mother against daughter; that he/you didn’t come to bring peace; that when he/you return it will be with a sword in your mouth; and then there’s that condemning good folks to eternal torture for not believing in you thing ….
God: Yeah, yeah, yeah… spare me the lecture, Sugar Tits.
Hump: Sugar tits?
God: I picked that up from Mel, one of my most devoted followers. Catchy huh? Anyway, he went to rehab for his anger issues, so my people figure if I do it and appear contrite, appear to turn over a new leaf so to speak, maybe not so many of my believers will be abandoning ship. I’ve been having a few problems filling the pews lately.
Hump: Wouldn’t it be more effective if you appeared in the sky over every nation on Earth simultaneously; tell folks you’re sorry for all the bad stuff you did; that you won’t send them to this hell place you created for them… just pedophile ministers and priests, those that protected them, evangelical ministers and faith healers, Fred Phelps, and mass murderers; that it wasn’t anyone’s fault but your own that people didn’t believe in you; and it’s all cool if folks decide they prefer not to worship you?
God: Are you fuckin nuts? If I did that what would be the point of being a Supreme Being? I might as well tell old peanut breath Ganesh or that doper Vishnu they can take over as my successor. Fuck No! I didn’t spend 6 days creating the universe, and an eternity developing my image just to wimp out of a tried and true fear strategy.
Hump: So, this rehab thing is a total sham; just like when Mel Gibson or Ted Haggard, or Lindsay Lohan checked in?
God: Sham??… Hahaha.. Is the Pope a pedophile enabling ex-Nazi? Of course it’s a sham. But sham is such a harsh word. I prefer “Act” of God. Get it… "act," acting… By the way, you repeat that in print and when I get out of rehab I’ll create a new incurable childhood disease in your name. Maybe you’d like to see a few million 3rd world babies born with humps on their backs. Or maybe deformed kidneys.
Hump: You’d do that? To innocent children? Just to punish me?
God: What part of my book didn’t you understand? Now, fuck off -- here comes my driver. I’ve got a 3:45 full body massage at the rehab and I’m expecting a “happy ending”, if you catch my drift.