Bye Bye Black Bird … Hellloooo Jesus!

Over the past week bird and fish kills have been reported in Arkansas, Louisiana, Maryland, Sweden, and Australia among a few other places. Thousands of black birds falling from the sky battered and beaten, fish and crabs washing up on coast lines and river banks have got scientists baffled. But not the super religious, no siree. The supernaturally befuddled have it all figured out-- it’s a sign of the End Times, Jesus is coming!

You knew it would come to this. I would have been disappointed if it hadn’t. But when I heard reports of these natural kill events on the news I had assumed that the usual suspects would be crawling out of their Bentleys and McMansions to proclaim that these are the prophesized early signs that the End Times were imminent (“...oh, and by the way, send in your $20.00 prayer offering and receive your sacred washcloth before it’s too late”.) I guess they've cried wolf so many times, and have said so many moronic things that they decided to sit this one out.

Instead the lead is being taken by amateur fundie prophets of doom who are working themselves into a frenzy quoting biblical verse and offering careful analysis, explanations, advice and warnings. These quotes from a blog site are typical of the hysteria.

Justin said: “This could be a message from god that he is coming back soon. Or it could be the forces of the antichrist in Washington controlling our leaders, which are causing these things as well. The antichrist will give great signs and wonders on the earth and the heaven. hence UFO's, Dead Birds, Dead Fish, Weird Weather Patterns, Strange earthquakes, etc. The antichrist is here, and will reveal himself shortly, ...”

Ed said: “Fast and pray, fast and pray, then fast some more, then pray and fast and pray. Pray some more, then fast and pray... New world order is thinning out the bird pop so there will be less to feed on them when Jesus commands them to attack.”
http://www.examiner.com/cultural-oddities-in-national/dead-birds-and-fish-bible-prophecy-web-searches-explode

Certainly these are entirely plausible explanations -- if you are Xtian, insane and Republican. Meanwhile verses from Revelations and Zachariah about birds and fish being killed off as a prelude to end times are being thrown around faster than Hello Kitty underpants at a Justin Bieber concert.

Scientists are still investigating the possible causes and haven't the answers yet. This is in and of itself further proof to these purveyors of ignorance that Jesus’ return is just around the corner. After all, if scientists don’t know the cause the default answer obviously has to be supernatural.

And in case that isn't convincing enough they are quick to point to the wars, the diseases, the earthquakes and tornadoes that we read about every day ... all of them prophesized in the bible as the precursors to the End of Days. Pointing out the fact that there has never been a time in history when we didn’t experience wars, disease, earthquakes and tornados doesn’t make much of an impression on them. I tried that once and was quickly put in my place with the ever popular and highly refined retort common to theists: “How do you know?”

I’m going to be increasing the rates at Eternal Earth-Bound Pets in a few weeks. I’m expecting a big surge in clients for post rapture pet rescue. With the May 21 rapture prediction and all these dead birds and fish adding fuel to the fundie fire, there’s money to be made, and they won’t need it where they're going. Just ask em.