Thursday, January 6, 2011

Bye Bye Black Bird … Hellloooo Jesus!

Over the past week bird and fish kills have been reported in Arkansas, Louisiana, Maryland, Sweden, and Australia among a few other places. Thousands of black birds falling from the sky battered and beaten, fish and crabs washing up on coast lines and river banks have got scientists baffled. But not the super religious, no siree. The supernaturally befuddled have it all figured out-- it’s a sign of the End Times, Jesus is coming!

You knew it would come to this. I would have been disappointed if it hadn’t. But when I heard reports of these natural kill events on the news I had assumed that the usual suspects would be crawling out of their Bentleys and McMansions to proclaim that these are the prophesized early signs that the End Times were imminent (“...oh, and by the way, send in your $20.00 prayer offering and receive your sacred washcloth before it’s too late”.) I guess they've cried wolf so many times, and have said so many moronic things that they decided to sit this one out.

Instead the lead is being taken by amateur fundie prophets of doom who are working themselves into a frenzy quoting biblical verse and offering careful analysis, explanations, advice and warnings. These quotes from a blog site are typical of the hysteria.

Justin said: “This could be a message from god that he is coming back soon. Or it could be the forces of the antichrist in Washington controlling our leaders, which are causing these things as well. The antichrist will give great signs and wonders on the earth and the heaven. hence UFO's, Dead Birds, Dead Fish, Weird Weather Patterns, Strange earthquakes, etc. The antichrist is here, and will reveal himself shortly, ...”

Ed said: “Fast and pray, fast and pray, then fast some more, then pray and fast and pray. Pray some more, then fast and pray... New world order is thinning out the bird pop so there will be less to feed on them when Jesus commands them to attack.”

Certainly these are entirely plausible explanations -- if you are Xtian, insane and Republican. Meanwhile verses from Revelations and Zachariah about birds and fish being killed off as a prelude to end times are being thrown around faster than Hello Kitty underpants at a Justin Bieber concert.

Scientists are still investigating the possible causes and haven't the answers yet. This is in and of itself further proof to these purveyors of ignorance that Jesus’ return is just around the corner. After all, if scientists don’t know the cause the default answer obviously has to be supernatural.

And in case that isn't convincing enough they are quick to point to the wars, the diseases, the earthquakes and tornadoes that we read about every day ... all of them prophesized in the bible as the precursors to the End of Days. Pointing out the fact that there has never been a time in history when we didn’t experience wars, disease, earthquakes and tornados doesn’t make much of an impression on them. I tried that once and was quickly put in my place with the ever popular and highly refined retort common to theists: “How do you know?”

I’m going to be increasing the rates at Eternal Earth-Bound Pets in a few weeks. I’m expecting a big surge in clients for post rapture pet rescue. With the May 21 rapture prediction and all these dead birds and fish adding fuel to the fundie fire, there’s money to be made, and they won’t need it where they're going. Just ask em.


Robert O said...

"faster than Hello Kitty underpants at a Justin Bieber concert" thats great!!!

NewEnglandBob said...

What is the rate at Eternal Earth-Bound Pets for caring for dead birds and fish? Give them a good rate for those :)

Texas Mike said...

"thrown around faster than Hello Kitty underpants at a Justin Bieber concert."....that's funny, Dude!

If you need any Rapture Rescue folks down here it Texas just let me know!

Rastifan said...

There have been quite a few "catastrophic" events throughout history which have whipped religious lunatics in to a doomsday frenzy. A bunch of dead animals are certainly up to their standards for a Jesus comeback.

Although why dead animals should be a sign for the greatest event in human history is beyond me to comprehend. At least I would add some expensive light effects if I where god.

Anonymous said...

I like the pic. It's like god is saying "Time's up bitches!".

I also love Justin's comment that the antichrist will send UFO's.

In a matter of days, I expect Pat Robertson to come out of his hole like Punxsutawney Phil and proclaim the "end is nigh!"

Ok. Let's see and pray and fast...oh shit. Was it pray first them fast then pray, then fast???

NewEnglandBob said...

I read an article yesterday that said there are mundane explanations for the groups of dying creatures. One bit of info: there are about 2 billion birds in North America and about 1 billion die every year!

Rastifan said...

On a second note. Living things like birds have to die to make way for the coming of this god.

Sounds very much like satanic rituals where dark entities are summoned in the blood of the sacrifice. Only on a bigger scale.

cynicgal said...

Makes me think of a great bumper sticker I saw:
"Waiting for the Rapture? Please go soon!"

Engineer of Knowledge said...

Hello Hump,
As you know I live in the Chesapeake Bay region were the fish kill happened. I too have heard comments from the mindless giving credit to a religious warning….but from the watermen who work the Bay everyday….NOTHING NEW in all of this. Not the first time, Will Not be the last.

Dromedary Hump said...

It seems Kirk Cameron has come out and said the bird kills are NOT a sign of the end times. Now there's a surprise.

There can be only one explanation for Kirk departing from his normal religious insanity... HE IS THE ANTI-CHRIST!!

Story here:

Rastifan said...

At this juncture I have to ask. How is it that the banana mans utterance on the matter has enough validity to be posted on one of CNN's pages?
In all fairness it was a entertainment page so I guess it speaks for their defense.

But only in religion can you make a name for your self by being a complete idiot. Only in religion.

Dromedary Hump said...

Rasti...actually, kirk is "son of banana man" Ray Comfort.
CNN wanted the perspective of a known religious whack they went to the source.

longhorn believer said...

Simply awesome! I think I got a little Beiber on me when I read that line!

Anonymous said...

I just finished reading the article and I find it completely astounding that people just atomaticly assume that the world is going to end at the drop of a hat. If you did not know thousands of birds die like that often but in places that aren't very populated such as rural areas and the ocean. Instead of thinking that the world will end and an imaginary person living in the skies is coming you should look to science before you right an article that inspires fear.