Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Camel celebrates "The Day of the Living Dead"

I really look forward to the coming holiday. It’s the one day of the year that I actually set aside to pay homage to the Trinity that has contributed so much happiness, given hope to billions, and has left an indelible mark that forever changed civilization.

I’m referring of course to the trinity of Messers John Cadbury the founder of Cadbury Chocolates; Sam Born the founder of Born Candy; and David Klein the founder of Jelly Belly Jelly Beans. Three men, fully human yet fully god, whose confectionary delights have given true meaning to Easter.

For what would the sacred Day of the Living Dead be if not for those scrumptious Cadbury eggs, sugary marshmallow Peeps, and colorful jelly beans? Truly, they are manna from heaven, a divine gift from the Creators to their worshipping masses.

It has been a ritual since our boys were the same age that the children of the Midianites were when the Lard saw fit to direct their extermination that my wife would prepare for the holiday by assembling the sacred elements of the Eucharist. She would go to the basement and reverently extract the Sacred Ark, a Rubber Maid bin marked with masking tape upon which is inscribed “Day of the Living Dead Vestments”. With our sons in their holy Oshkosh habits chanting the hymn “Here comes Peter Cotton Tail, hopping down the bunny trail...” it’s inspiring words echoing through the vaulted basement ceiling, invoking a feeling of awe, reverence and spiritual ecstasy, she would lead the procession upstairs. Once there, the Ark was placed upon the alter aka, the kitchen table.

Then the choir boys were dismissed to hunt for the “Day of the Living Dead Holy Chicken Embryos” which Mrs Hump, the High Priestess, and the boys had dyed two days earlier on “Good and Dead Friday.” Only then did she extract from the Ark the colorful woven baskets, hallowed hollow plastic eggs, and sumptuous imitation grass stuffing. As assistant to her Holiness, it was my role to hand her the prescribed number of confections aka, the Eucharist, which she nestled into their respective holiday vessels.

And while I’d often protest that there were an insufficient number of Cadbury eggs, or Peeps to satisfy the multitude, verily she was able to fill each basket to the brim creating a plethora of high fructose delights. Holy, Holy, Holy shit that is some good stuff!!!

And then, after the Host had been received with shouts of Hosanna, and the symbolic bodies of the Trinity of John, Sam, and David has been devoured with much relish, and the sticky blood of the Cadbury yokes was cleansed from the face and hands of the faithfully glutonous, one of the children will ask: "Dad, can we go to church now and worship the King of Kings?" Then we'd all burst into laughter pratically peeing our pants. Afterall, with all that candy how could we fit even one Whopper Junior into our bellies?
Glory to Imitation Flavor and USDA Yellow Food Coloring #6 in the Highest!!!!

May your holiday be just as sweet and fulfilling as ours have been. Amen!
Oh, and as for those who pervert the holiday into a celebration of an imaginary man-god’s zombie act... CLUCK EM’!!


Momma Moonbat said...

A similar ritual has been occurring here since the offspring were wee ones. I must take issue with your trinity, though. I question that you are a true believer, as you did not mention Milton Hershey. He holds a higher place in the pantheon than the jelly belly dude.

Sue said...

I truly LOL'd when I saw that work of spiritual art! And sorry Moonbat Momma, but Hersey's chocolate is deplorable brown wax that tastes of rancid palm oil. Fodder of Satan. I worship with Cadbury Robin's Eggs (malted milk and chocolate) myself.

david klein said...

David Klein here...Enjoyable article......thank you for the mention. By the way we are coming out with a new "beyond gourmet" jelly bean next month which will be called "David's Signature." Marinus van Dam created the original formula for me and was a genius. Brad and Troy van Dam are making our new jelly bean. david klein

Dromedary Hump said...

Dear David,
You're a GOD!

Lisa in San Jose said...

Dear Hump,
You forgot to mention the ritual dismemberment of the chocolate bunny ears.

NewEnglandBob said...

Sorry, but I am not with you on this one. I worship dark chocolate by better candy companies than these.

Joe said...

Off topic but I just saw the ad for the new book in the sidebar. Very much looking forward to it!

BTW: Happy Zombie day to you!

david klein said...

Almost forgot...Today is National Jelly Bean Day....if you get a chance a documentary on my life is now out--Candyman:the David Klein story. This tells the story of how I used my last 800.00 to start the Jelly Belly. thank you david

Dromedary Hump said...

Lisa...our sect does not practice the de-earing of the bunny.

Bob...that's BLASPHEMY!!!!

Joe... thanks! I'm really happy with it I think you will be too.

David... Uh.. while I worship you as a diety from afar unless you send me free samples, how about going easy on the free self promotion ;)
AC Chronicles
PO Box 329
Alstead, NH 03602

Ross said...

Happy Easter to you and all of your readers.