Monday, May 16, 2011

The End is Near- REPENT! Or at least, don’t laugh so hard




It won’t be long now. In fact, according to a whole bevy of religious morons, this should be my last blog, unless The Anti-Christ gives me the ok. The May 21st Rapture event is almost upon us. And even though it’s been great for my post rapture pet rescue business (sales volume up 27% for the 1st quarter versus 2010) frankly it’s been a drain.

Between interviews with newspapers and radio stations all over the country, Canada, Australia, and New Zealand; and the over 1400 emails we received from atheists, prospective clients, clients and raving lunatic Christians, I’ve been ignoring my husbandly duties and just as importantly, the dogs. I’m glad it’s almost over.

But I suspect May 22 is going to be anticlimactic, something of a let down. Oh, not just for the rapture believing nutters who have bought into Mr. Camping’s prophesy, That’s a given; but also for me and I imagine millions of atheists around the country. I’ll explain...

Like most of us thinking folks, I look forward to being able to rub the noses of the deluded into their failed prophesy. I want to hold out hope that some of them take this as a kick in the ass learning experience which causes them to rethink their foolish doctrine, or at least recognize their gullibility. I want to see the purveyors of the fraud called on the carpet by their duped followers, and watch them sheepishly hem and haw in the glare of the TV lights, beads of embarrassment induced sweat dripping down their porcine cheeks and red necks.

But none of this will happen. It’s wishful thinking on my part. What will happen is what happens after every an End Times prophesy is hyped by some soothsaying cross kissing huckster. The duped will be too embarrassed to admit their hysteria (enthusiasm?) was stupid. They will simply say it was “premature” and that the rapture is right around the corner...really!! Instead of diminishing their faith it will be renewed, made stronger. Count on it.

Mr. Camping, and his shaman ilk who have promoted the event, will shamelessly claim their calculations were off. They failed to carry the two, or factor in the time change, or divide by the Trinity, or some such nonsensical horse hockey. They’ll go back to the drawing board and, unabashedly, come up with a new date. They always come up with a new date.

They may even claim that Jesus pulled a bait and switch and postponed things to give non-believers “one more chance” to come to their senses, repent and embrace him. All of this of course out of mercy for which Jesus has become so famous.

Invariably I’ll be flooded with emails from fundie pet owners who paid for a ten year post rapture pet rescue contract, and now want a refund ‘cuz they were banking on May 21 being the big one, and need their money to pay next week’s rent on their double-wide. They are in for another disappointment.

Yeah, it’s going to be a let down. How much better it would have been if they beamed up, leaving only intelligent life here on Earth. Oh well, there’s always the Dec. 2012 Mayan calendar end of the world prediction. I can hardly wait.

26 comments:

NewEnglandBob said...

"...divide by the Trinity..."

They thought it was 6.

Dromedary Hump said...

LOL!!!! ;)

Texas Mike said...

You are correct! Camping first predicted the end of the world in 1994, but when it did not happen he explained exactly where he got his calculations wrong...which is why he KNOWS he got it right this time. What? A history of being wrong is why he's right?

Momma Moonbat said...

Hey, Bart. This whole rapture stuff is keeping you so busy you might have to come out of retirement and go back to work to get some rest. :)

Anonymous said...

"In fact, according to a whole bevy of religious morons, this should be my last blog, unless The Anti-Christ gives me the ok."

Actually, unless you're among The Saved you'll still be around post 5/21, for a while, at least; the End of the World doesn't come until 10/21/2011, so you'll have a chance to either chortle or eat your words. So if you're not here come 5/22 it'll be because The Big Guy, not the Anti-Christ, gave you the thumbs up, an unlikely event.

Dromedary Hump said...

sombody shoot me., this rapture thing is killin me!!!!
This was suppose to be fun... hitting 48 hrs w/ no sleep.
Please, jebus..take me now. :S

Den!s said...

19 May...2 sleeps til rapture... must be heavy work transporting all of that theist cash back to the oasis. At least it's your minions errr humble pet loving care givers that would actually have to take care of the pets.
Thankfully, they get their cut of the cash just for being on standby, right Hump?

Hump?

Anonymous said...

I'd offer they'd explain as due to the change from the Julian to Gregorian calendar, of course that would require a knowledge of history, as well as acknowledging it was just some sort of Papist plot, interestingly it was called a papal bull which was certainly more prophetic and accurate then Mr.Camping

Dromedary Hump said...

Den!s..well, hard work but someone has to do it. :)

Fantabulum said...

Good news everyone, I've got the formula figured out!

x = yesterday's date
(√x*x) + 2

Which means it will happen tomorrow. Unfortunately, this equation must be true the day of; meaning it will always be 'tomorrow'.

I realize that taking the square root of a squared number is completely redundant, but a formula just isn't credible without an excess of useless numbers. Hope this helps!

Dromedary Hump said...

Fanta..makes as much sense as anything those religionist clowns come uo with.

Engineer of Knowledge said...

Hello Hump,
I was watching our local TV station WBOC (channel 16) and the news subject was on this Nut Job's prediction of May 21, as the "Judgment Day."

Well I am pleased to tell you that they mentioned your compassionate service to take care of the goofy people's pets for a small fee.

I woke up my wife and said, "I know this guy!!" :-)

I just had to post and tell you!!!

Good Job!!

Seb said...

I can't believe you have sales for the Eternal Earth Bound pets. Would you mind if I open a European franchise? I can't promise high volumes, It's my impression we don't have as many Christian fundamentalists this side of the pond

Dromedary Hump said...

Engineer..LOL. Yeah, been all over the world. Media is going wild with it.

Seb..sorry, we aren't doing Europe. You just don't have enough crazy xtians there.

Roy said...

Bart, have you ever thought about a business offering a program (seven steps?) to help people break the bondage of mythological superstition? Would some seek help? As a former Philosophy teacher, I have some experience--and successes--at awakening impressionable youths from their dogmatic slumbers. However, their attention was not entirely voluntary...core requirement course.

Green Eagle said...

"the End of the World doesn't come until 10/21/2011"

I knew it! This whole thing is a plot by God to prevent the Cleveland Indians from winning the World Series.

Anonymous said...

So when it comes and goes with nobody being called up, does this mean that Jesus came, looked around, and decided there were no good christians to bring home? So he left without taking anyone?
Shouldn't May 22nd be a time to reflect for all the millions of "rejected by Jesus" christians?

Anonymous said...

Damn, no rapture and now I've got to go stand in line at the DMV to register my car

Dromedary Hump said...

Roy... I doubt they'd be receptive.

Green..damn..i think you're right.

Anon..the DMV is HELL. THE RAPTURE MUST HAVE HAPPENED.

Joan said...

http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,2072767,00.html

Link to Time Magazine article. He's everywhere! :)

Dromedary Hump said...

Joan, thanks.I hand't seen that one

Engineer of Knowledge said...

Hello Hump,
Well it is May 22, 2011 and we here in the Mid-Atlantic are enjoying a beautiful day. The sun is shinning bright; the air smells exceptionally good as if right after a rain storm....etc.

I guess Harold Camping's mindless followers are drinking Kool-Aid today. :-) One can only hope.

Green Eagle said...

Kool aid? If I were them, I'd be downing several stiff rum and cokes in quick succession. On second thought, leave out the coke. It might put off the moment when they fall into a drunken stupor.

Fantabulum said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Icarus said...

Stupidity must be a virtue, whole industries, government, even economics depend on it.

Anonymous said...

Constant copulation has left me exhausted. My wife thinks I am crazy, but I want to get all I can before the end of the world.