Monday, September 1, 2008

Christian Speak Translated Here


It’s just after three PM on Labor Day. I’m listening to a report about hurricane Gustav on NPR. The commentator is phone interviewing hurricane evacuees from Mississippi, areas of which are being hit harder than New Orleans.

One woman proudly explains in an upbeat voice steeped in a redneck southern accent:
“Well, looks like my house is under water. They say it crested at over 16 feet, and my house is at 16 feet. But I’m used to it. I lost a house to a hurricane five years ago, lost my second house to Katrina, now losing this one. But I’m not worried, God takes care of everything.”

To those who aren’t versed in Christian Speak this probably sounds confusing. One would not be mistaken to conclude that a number of things are very very wrong with that woman’s thinking. For instance, one might think:
“Hey, imbecile, maybe you should stop rebuilding your hovel in a flood zone.”; or
“God’s been trying to take care of everything alright, but you keep escaping anyway.”; or
“Has it occurred to you that if a God existed who gave a fiddlers phuck about you he’d stop screwing over you and your continuously flooded brethren in the first place?”

But to those of us who have studied Christian Speak here’s what “God takes care of everything” actually means.

It means that she has Federal Flood Insurance, for which she pays next to nothing because of her poverty / low income status. It’s funded entirely by tax payers who will bear the cost to rebuild her home and replace its furnishings with very little out of pocket expense to the home owner herself. So, what does she care if she gets a new home every three to five years as long as the government is stupid enough to keep throwing good money after bad?

You might say: “But that’s got nothing to do with God/gods or the supernatural?”, and you’d be correct of course. But to Christians who’s minds cannot make a distinction between supernatural intervention and the reality of taxation and misguided / mismanaged governmental programs, every handout, every avoidance of having to bear the brunt of financial disaster themselves, means GOD has worked his miracle. GOD has intervened. GOD takes care of everything.

The bureaucrats who will assess her loss, write the check, and hand her our tax dollars are simply agents of God, angels who will lift this woman from her homelessness to her newly built government supplied housing. And she won’t thank you or I for building her miserable little house. Her imaginary sky buddy will get the credit. Hallelujah Sister!!!

Christian Speak … a marvelous invention of the self deluded. Just slightly more annoying than talking in tongues.

6 comments:

Butch said...

As as atheist living in Mississippi, I have to say that although it may be fun to stereotype all of us as "rednecks" because of our accents, I'd like to remind you that you can't help where you're born any more than you can pick your parents or your race.

Anonymous said...

Hey Butch,

I think you missed the point. While it's true one doesn't pick one's genetics and parents, the worldly benefits this women received (and will again) is from MAN (specifically, the USA taxpaying citizens) not god.

- Fastthumbs

DromedaryHump said...

butch:
I admit my prejudice... and I apologize. Of course you are correct, a southern accent does not a redneck make.

My steriotyping is an unfortunate by product of having been exposed to so many southern Baptist, born again, snake handling, backwards folks who share that particular accent, that my knee jerk reaction takes over.

mea culpa.

Fast;
heheh..thanks for the defense, but I'm guilty as "sin" on this one. I'm sure butch got the main point of the post.

Hump

Butch said...

Thanks for the mea culpa. I got the point. I grew up a Southern Baptist so I am fully aware of just why one would have certain opinions about them (opinions which I share). Just wanted to point out that not all of us southerners are like that.

OJ said...

I had a discussion with a religious friend (?) of mine that dealt with this kind of thinking. It basically boils down to "God takes all the credit." She agreed but didn't seem to have a problem with it.

DromedaryHump said...

OJ,
well..then does she also blame god for the bad things that happen? Probably not. That's "Satan's" fault.