Monday, March 1, 2010

Hump Considers Running for God: Here’s My Resume


Over coffee this morning I was thinking that I have all the necessary qualifications to establish my own godliness, even have people pray to me and worship me. So I have been pulling my resume together. Here’s what I have so far:

June 2007: My eldest son and his wife disobeyed me when I told them not to touch the bowl of dried banana chips. I threw them out of the house and told them they are cursed for life. They didn’t take it well.

September 2007: I decided I didn’t like the way things were going in my town. I blew up the damn which flooded the entire region killing every man, woman, child and animal in the county except for my friend Gary, his wife and child and their three Boston Terriers. They’re the only folks I liked.

January 2008: I convinced this “mentally challenged” guy that unless he killed his own son with an axe that I was going to heap some bad mojo on him. He was just about to lower the boom on the kid, when I stopped him at the last second. I was just testing him. He may have soiled his pants, I know his kid did. It was a hoot.

March 2008: My followers and friends needed some rules, so I came up with my "Top Ten List of Stuff Hump Wants You to Do.” I made sure the first four rules were all about me. Hey, I have a fragile ego.

May 2008 - August 2008: Lots of little things were pissing me off during this period. Maybe it was the heat, maybe I was just cranky, I dunno. Things like folks wearing their damn polyester/cotton blend clothes; people eating lobster with butter and lemon; farmers cross breeding cattle to get more milk production; men giving other men hand jobs, same with women; lots of other stuff like that that had no rhyme or reason … hundreds of them. So I decided those things are illegal around here. I’ve directed my followers to kill those who do the stuff that really irks me. No Damn Gleaning Fields on Thursdays During Baseball Season if you value your life, damnit!!!

November 2008: This big extended family down the road didn’t think much of me and my followers. They practiced some strange ways, ya know? I think they are Asians. Probably pagans. Some of them actually ate lobster salad with mayo on hot dog buns! Disgusting!!

So I told my friends and followers to set their house on fire and kill every one of them; their dogs, cats and farm animals too! I told them it’s ok to make an exception for the little girls. Hey, my friends like ‘em young. I tried to get my friends to wipe out the Town of Bellows Falls, Vermont too, but the town’s two cops had those aluminum meter maid electric carts, so they were too powerful for us.

March 2009: I decided to have another son. Mrs. Hump became hysterical at the idea and threatened me with a knife. I had no idea how to find myself a wife of child bearing age on short notice -- and my inflatable Mary doll wasn’t in any position to reproduce. So I snuck up on some stoner chick, gave her some Ruffies and nailed her. She never knew what happened. Late in December she gave birth to our son. She figured it was a virgin birth. Hey… I wasn’t about to confess to anything, so I let her think that.

January 2010: I was thinking my young bastard son is gay. I wasn’t sure, but he was spending all his free time with this group of a dozen or so effeminate guys with long hair and playing his X-Box. (I’ll admit he has remarkable control of that thing for a 13 month old, damn miraculous!)

So to make him prove his manhood I told him to get himself all worked up and pissed off, and inject some neighbor’s goats with anti-freeze and have them jump off a cliff. He did and they did. Then, to have him prove he’s no pantie waist tree hugger, I told him to kill a pear tree for not having pears on them. He babbled something at first about my being an idiot because there are no pear baring trees in January in New Hampshire. But he killed the tree anyway. He’s a good boy, bit of a smart ass and given to hissy fits though.

Spring 2010: I plan to have my little bastard son tortured to death, to show what a compassionate and caring guy I am to my followers. No doubt he’ll get a little rattled toward the end, but he’s a skinny kid and probably won’t last too long… three or four hours, max. He’s resilient though so who knows -- some defibrillator shocks and he might come back. “CLEAR!!”

Now, these are just some of the highlights. I have a lot more stuff to fill in, more detail. You know, pad my deity qualifications a bit. But I think I’ve got something going here. After all, how could anyone not love a guy like that?

62 comments:

Dannette said...

Dear God. Hump is goin' to hell. The End. Let the outrage begin!

P.S. What is wrong with butter and lemon with lobster? Have I been doing it wrong all these years?

Dromedary Hump said...

Dannette,
Gasp!!!

Deuteronomy 14:9-10 says:
These ye shall eat of all that are in the waters: all that have fins and scales shall ye eat:
And whatsoever hath not fins and scales ye may not eat; it is unclean unto you.

Thus, god hates crabs, lobsterS shrimp, clams, etc. Lemon good, Butter good, shell fish.. ABOMMINATION UNTO THE LARD!!!

Now go, my child and sin no more.

NewEnglandBob said...

Here I was, all set to have a month full of Thursdays, where I could
be Damn Gleaning Fields during Baseball Season.

The sacrifices I go through for his Humpness.

Dromedary Hump said...

Well, NEBob, we all have our "crosses" to bear. Or is it bare? Whatever. When I'm GOD we'll all spell it like I want to.

zarton said...

Hump,
For one, if you want to be my new god, you're going to have to come up with some pretty good circular argumentation. Secondly, what kind of afterlife benefits do you have?
Here's what I'm looking for in a deity. You're going to have to beat beer volcanoes and a stripper factory just to outdo the FSM, and let me tell you 72 camel toes won't cut it. Also, you're gonna need some chosen people. If I happen to be one of those chosen ones I might consider it (I love feeling better than everyone else).
You might also have to convince me that you have healed my diabetes, and a new guitar would really sweeten the deal, but maybe I am pushing it a little.
zar
p.s. what happens if I say Drome Dammit(!) ?

Dromedary Hump said...

Holy Mother of ME, Zar!!! ..
You sure make alot of demands.

I'm not even ready to launch my campaign and already you're nailing my hump to the wall.

Remember, once made God, I get that 100 day honeymoon period to get my act together.

Dannette said...

Why did the lard make shellfish if he hateses them? I can get why the lard would be into butter, though. I'm all confoozled again.

Dromedary Hump said...

Hey, why'd he make pigs if he hates them? There's no accounting for the crazy stuff the ancients decided their god hates.

I mean, their god hates people wearing cotton and flax blend garments. What's up with that? Is he worried about the dry cleaning bills?

Mixter said...

This post was freakin' hilarious. You've got my vote!

Mixter

NewEnglandBob said...

"Remember, once made God, I get that 100 day honeymoon period to get my act together."

Wait-a-hump-damn-minute! 100 days - are those the millennial long days each? Or are the epochal days? Ya know, we ain't gonna wait 'round no 2 billion years while you vacation.

Dromedary Hump said...

Mixter,
Thanks. You may be Disciple material :)

NEBob...
you and Zar are putting too much pressure on me. I was planning to ease into the deity thing.

As a Camelian Biblical Literalist, the 100 days are of the 24 hour variety. None of that liberal theist "100 days = 2 billion years" crappola for me.

Contents under pressue said...

Sorry Hump, but I'm already deciding on three other Gods to serve:

Either this guy:
http://www.kraproom.com/pacman/aod/gallery/d/3284-1/Cthulhu.jpg

Or this gal:
http://namkca.neetwork.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/haruhiism.jpg

Or this Badass mofo:
http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o306/Drivestort/theEmperor.jpg

So unless you can drive me insane with sheer horror or cuteness, or promise me a shiny new chainsword I'm taking my vote elsewhere :(

Lynn said...

Woohoo! Love it! You DO seem qualified, so count me in!

Do you answer prayers, too?

Dromedary Hump said...

Contents...
Darn.. I'm going to have towork on my campaign promises. Thisgod thing is harder than I thought!!

Lynn,..
Thanks. Yes.. I answer ALL prayers... but more often than not the answer will be "No." Just like that other God does. :)

Tracey said...

Amateur. You haven't done that 10 plagues thing yet. And if you want to be my chosen deity, what's in it for me. FSM has a stripper factory, which is alright for dudes and lesbians, but what about us hetero females? What's in it for us? Do I get an endless supply of the Old Spice dude? Eat bonbons and drink cokes all day and still maintain a smokin' hot bod? Seriously. You've only appealed to my sense of fear thus far. What's in it for my sense of greed?

Enrico S said...

In danger is thee who angers The Hump!

How dare one question his Humpness or make demands thereof.

Do ye knoweth not that the Hump works in mysterious ways?

You shall receive that which is right in the Humps eyes.

The Hump is all knowing! The hump reviseth his soul contracts as he wishes. Again, how dare you question!

The Hump knows that which is right for thee.

You are all in danger of eternal damnation, suffering the never ending line of Starbucks! Forever and ever, even for ever and ever.

-------------------
BTW: Lord Hump,
As things go wrong for people, not understanding your infinite wisdom, they will become angry with you when they do not approve of your proscribed outcome to their prayer request. This could lead to a drop in your overall approval rating.

Might I suggest you play the game of good supernatural being / bad supernatural being. Create a new cabinet position and office. The office might be titled: "Sorry All Things Ain't Nice" or SATAN for short. To this office you divert blame when people get pissy about your divine plan.

That's all for now...I'll be back later

Anonymous said...

So if I keep on worshiping the Flying Spaghetti Monster, will you roast me in Hell forever?

Dromedary Hump said...

Tracey, Enrico, Anon.. and the rest of you ...

Ok, you're putting waaaay too much pressure on me. I realize that I'm retired, and not sure I am up for a full time Diety position.

I mean what's next, you're going to expect me to feed you all with one Big Mac and a side of fries?

I may haveto reconsider running for god. Maybe just a part time boogie man would be a better fit. I don't exactly want to have to work up a sweat.

:)

Rachelle said...

LOLOLOL!!!

This is the hardest I've laughed all week. LOL! Thanks God Hump. LOL! And I love the demands...I think Zarton should write your Bible for you. LOL!

Tracey said...

I don't like Big Macs.

Texas Mike said...

All praise the all powerfull and all knowing HUMP...and ignore that man behind the keyboard....

Motorhead said...

Yeah, guess we'll need to start working on The Wholly Hump...le?!Let's see here, we'll need names for each book. Genehump, Exohump, Levitic-hump? No, I don't like the ring to that one. Sounds kind of communistic... We'll come back to that one later. Numbhump!!! I love it! That one stays. Sounds like a quaalude induced orgy, perfect. Deuteronohump. Yeah I think that one should stay, too. It sounds like a late '70s dance craze. What do you other Hump-fearing heathens think?

Enrico S said...

Adding to MOTORHEAD's theme;
every GOD needs a holy day of the week, and by gosh by golly you all know what day that is!!!!

"HUMP DAY"

The day in which the high priestess and priests of Hump preach and interpret the the Hump.


"Numbhump" - That's just honest to goodness funny! My wife often accuses me of this...

Dromedary Hump said...

You guys are scarin me now.

The "Book of Zar", has a nice ring to it.

Tracey..damnit, you'll eat what I magically produce!!!

"Deuteronohump," "Hump day" ... OMM!**
I almost soiled my stall.

*** ("OH My ME!")

Motorhead said...

I think I've finished the first verse to the first Hymnal...Humpnal I mean.

Amazing Hump! How foul the smell,
That burned the nostrils of me!
I once was lost, so I bought a GPS That was invented by some godless Friend of Lucifer
Was blind, but some hellbound Heathen invented Lasik surgery so Now I seeeeee

Dromedary Hump said...

Motorhead...
Awesome!!! I love it!! :)

Angel said...

I don't think I've laughed so hard since your rebuttal of your Pet Rescue entry. I am reposting this(with your permission) on my gnostic blog. Pretty please? This is just too damn funny to pass up.

Your comedic eloquence perfectly illustrates just why gnostics and atheists can get along so well: when we see irrational bullshit we like to laugh at it. And do we feel bad about it? Hell no.

Dromedary Hump said...

Angel,
Heheh..thanks, feel free to repost it. But the comments here are funnier than my post.

Angel said...

*Points finger at self and at above prior posted comment*
This dumbass forgot to log in under the correct ID. It's me, Hump. Your friendly neighborhood gnostic.

Angel said...

Thanks you!!!!

And I may include a few of those hilarious comments, too.

Motorhead said...

OMH!! I just saw my first "HUMP FOR GOD" bumper sticker! I laughed so hard that I peed in my Fruit of the Unholies. Will yard-signs be made available to us too oh Exhalted Hump? Is there a REMOTE possibilty that I can be the first on my street to plant a 13' by 13' "HUMP FOR GOD" sign in the yard? Boy oh boy, would my Popeblowin' neighbors ever be so envious.

Dromedary Hump said...

Hump for God!!?? Sheesh, that sounds more like a recommendation than a campaign slogan.

I think something more subtle... like a small gold camel on a necklace, with one leg lifted.

Enrico S said...

"Hump, The God Resume" The NEW smash Broadway Musical! Staring....

I can see it, I can hear it and smell it.

Enrico is seeking investors.

Motorhead said...

According to the most recent polls, the only region of planet earth that isn't overwhemingly voting for Hump is the state of Mississippi in the USA. I suppose it's because you must be able to write your name to obtain voting privileges there.

Thanks for the Humpvine intervention. That bumper sticker means something totally different now. Peeing myself was a bad idea. I was wondering why everybody was steering clear of me at the airport. There I was, laughing uncontrollably while creating a puddle. Hump Damnit!! I'll probably be on youtube at any moment now.

Last but not least (for now) if You, Hump, God-elect Hump end up having non-believers, what will they be labled by the Humpsters? Humpsteriests?

Thank you for inviting me to this absolutely cool as my dog's nose, laugh-a-minute "Hey! I fit in here!" blogspot. It's been a hoot!

Brent in WY

Dromedary Hump said...

Brent!!
So glad you made it here. Glad you feel at home!

Rachelle said...

LOLOLOL!!!

"Hump for God." LOL! I hear and I obey. LOL!

With Zarton as your holy-ghostwriter, I nominate Motorhead for your Jesus side-kick (just don't sacrifice him unless he gets caught in a "wide stance" in some bathroom pursuing gay sex). LOL! Maybe Tracey and I could get gigs as your virgin-whores so you don't come off as one of those misogynistic gods. LOL!

I see a lot of crazy parties in our future...with no shortage of wine thanks to Jesus' magical tricks. LOL!

Anonymous said...

Rachelle,

Heretic! How dear you mention Jebus and wine... Humpism is the TRUE religion where the almighty Hump provides fermented Camel milk as the drink of choice...

- Fastthumbs

Rachelle said...

Fastthumbs said: "...the almighty Hump provides fermented Camel milk as the drink of choice..."

LOL! EW!

Dromedary Hump said...

Damn, you guys sure make a great group of worshippers.

If I had know running for god was this easy I could have retired even earlier and just lived off your "love offerings"

:)

Motorhead said...

I opened a bottle of wine by drilling the cork to bits once. I put a coffee filter over the wine glass before I poured it. Shredded cork is just too bland to eat or drink and the texture leaves much to be desired. Magic!

When I was a kid, for 3 years I thought I was Evel Knievel. After a bad ramp experience which left me unconscious, I miraculously rose from the dead.......end street with scars on my hands. Magic!

I've been called bastard many times in my life here on earth. I think I'm qualified. About the name though, how about side-kick Motorhead instead? Side-kick Jesus doesn't sit too well with me and sort of sounds like a bad, country song lyric. It would make a good name for a Biblical blow-up doll though. "Get 'em while they're hot folks! Order your Side-kick Jesus now and we'll throw in hand orifices absolutely free!!"

Contents under pressue said...

"If I had know running for god was this easy I could have retired even earlier and just lived off your "love offerings" "

Hump, you do realize that as a half-Chinese, I will adhere to some Fil-chi traditions on offerings, namely burning said offerings to a cinder before giving them to my chosen deity?

Hope you like extra-well done charcoal/steaks! XD

Dromedary Hump said...

Contents:

See what kind of response your prayers get with an overdone meat offering, versus cold hard cash.

zarton said...

I think the book of Zar was enough to win me over. As per Rachelle's suggestion, I would be honored to write a book or two. Don't worry I will make sure that I contradict other stuff in the book so we can use the argument that it "is not for you to know" when confonted with logic.
I would like to nominate NEBob as the fisrt Pope, or grand Poo-ba or grand Humpliness, or whatever we want to call it. I am not sure how good he would do, but he would look marvolous in a big funny hat.

Contents under pressue said...

@Hump

Oh, we burn money during worship too ;)

It's not actually real money, but "play money" intended to be burned as an offering to deceased ancestors.

Dromedary Hump said...

Zar,
The ceremonial HUMP must be worn by the camelian primate. Unless NEBob has his own hump.

Contents,
Camel gods do not accept play money, not even PHP money. US green backs only, nothing under $20.00 denomination. Salvation doesn't come cheap.

NewEnglandBob said...

Oh yeah, I would look mahhhhvelous in a 10 gallon hat or a fez. But I am hump-less. There is only one hump.

Motorhead said...

I found this in the Book of Zar, Deuteronohump 113:85

Oh Hump who art on high, who hath made the blades of grass and the little tiny things that creep therein. Who hath made the cricket bats, who hath made hankies, who hath made.......all things. Grant now these people of the Atheist Camel blog that they may verily endow the people of this planet with pleasure and enjoyment, that they may increase four-fold their already dwindling sums of loot and maybe enable each one to buy a new pair of trousers each. Oh Hump who hath seen the trouser-less and had compassion, look down upon them. Alas, NEBob would like a 10 gallon hat, too.

And so sayeth the Hump, "US green backs only, nothing under $20.00 denomination. Salvation doesn't come cheap." Ah, truer words were never spoken.

All together now, let's raise Hump in song. Go to page 394 in your Humpnals and in harmony, let's sing "Who Wrote the Book of Deuteronohump?" doo-wop style in the key of D-minor. Frankenstein, our juke-box owner will now start the song.

zarton said...

An excerpt from the holy text:

1 I am the Heavenly Hump, though shall have no humps before me, however thee may hump one another freely for I do like watching that stuff
2 You shall not make thyself an American Idol, Thou shall not listen to the songs of Paula Abdul (thou shall listen to any studio sessions that Randy Jackson played on… but not on Hump day)
3 Thou shall not commit copyright infringement upon the Dromedary Hump name or any subsidiaries thereof. Any accounts descriptions or any unauthorized uses of the name Dromedary Hump without express written consent are strictly prohibited.
4 Remember Hump day keep it holy by observing no other blog but mine
5 Honor thy father and mother, if you are adopted and do not know your father or mother then thou shall honor the collective works of Penn and Teller
6 Though shall not commit murder (duh!)
7 Though shall not commit adultery even if your spouse is a complete A-hole (pretending your spouse is that really hot chick/dude at the gym whilest getting thy groove on is not cheating)
8 Though shall not steal… unless of course you are stealing from a Bactrian camel because they are false idols
9 Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbor; again, if your neighbor is a Bactrian camel then all bets are off
10 Though shall not covet thy neighbor’s tent nor their fancy Lexus or their zero turning radius lawn mower… I mean who the F@CK gets a F@CKING ztr lawn mower in the desert? This guy is so smug that I want to skip to that part where I smear poop on his face. Where is that, the book of Malicamel chapter 2 verse 3 or something?
Anyway, let it be written. Let it be written again in a few more chapters when I change a few of these up. I’m just so pissed about that dipshit neighbor of mine right now.
And then the Hump Disappeared unto him so he might start that Humping thing.

Dromedary Hump said...

Hahah...you know... you guys are starting to creep me out!

I better get a new blog article posted before you all become hyper-religious fundy Humpers. :-)

Dannette said...

Hump, I can handle you being my personal savior. With all due respect, though, I would like to submit that Zarton be your press secretary.

Motorhead said...

Thank you brother zar. I also found this in the Book of Zar:

Woe to you oh earth and sea, for the bizarro Hump sends his fecal matter with wrath, because he knows his time is short.

Let he who hath understanding wreckon the number of the poop.

For it is a human number, it's number is 2.

That's right folks, taken from the Book of Zar, Deuteronohump 34:286, bizarro hump dropped a deuce.

Tracey said...

I'm a little late to the party, but here's my 2 cents worth. Hump for God sounds like what those quiverful fundy nutjobs do. How about Hump IS God instead? Also, there probably should be some sort of scriptural dissing of bactrains, considering how Hump hates even the mention of the smelly beasts in his presence. You know, the ol' it is an abomination unto the Hump type stuff.

Dromedary Hump said...

Dannette,
Yes, Zar would be to me what Paul was to Jebus...his press secy and PR man.

Motor head could be Timothy (from the book of the same name).

Tracey,
Bactrians = SATAN's minions!!!

Rachelle said...

LOLOL!

I wonder if religious nuts would "think" that THIS all sounds crazy. LOL! All we've really done is changed the players. Any similarities to their fictional god/s or persons is purely coincidental. LOL!

Zar said: "...however thee may hump one another freely for I do like watching that stuff..."
.
.
LOLOL! Well the Mighty Hump does see all. May as well enjoy some of it. LOL!

Motorhead said...

Timothy, eh? Hmmm... Your Humpliness? I'm gonna have to get with my wife about being Timothy (If the SOB ever existed)given his ridiculous point of view on women. Now, If You would let me change all that, there would be no problem whatsoever.

It seems that other Timothy was a real piece of work. I would dare that pipsqueak to walk up to women serving in the sandbox right now and tell them, "I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must remain silent."

He'd end up looking like a character from a Tarantino flick.

As the Humpologist Timothy I could fix all that crap.

Oh neato! I was just told via morse code clicking in my head that Hump has commanded me to be the Timothy I want to be! Cool deal. For starters, here goes:

1 Timothy 1:1
Zar hath given me a letter. Hear ye, hear ye; verily I say unto you, women can and will do any damn thing they want to do even if it pisses you off. i.e. Hanoi Jane. That reminds me, has Jane been to the sandbox yet? No. Someone finally got her to stfu I guess.

1 Timothy 1:2
I just got back from the BX where I was asked if I could stop to take a survey that would last 15 minutes. I only went there to pick up a new chain for Dogler (my German shepherd). I declined. Now, I'll never know what the questions on the survey were! Yes, I did have 15 minutes to spare. Ah well, hopefully they'll be there again.

1 Timothy 1:3
Isn't money a wonderful thing? I mean, I really enjoy having a roof over my head. That's a tough thing to get without money 'nourdays! So, Zar said it's okay for me to tell you Humpthemologisticals <(beauty,eh?) that you're gonna need money. Get as much as you can, as much as you need and/or as much as you want. That other Timothy had some kind of beef with money. Ah, what did he know anyway. Did he ever try to buy his dog a new chain without money? Nopers.

longhorn believer said...

Zart's prayer:

Our Hump, who art in New Hampshire
How goofy is your name?
Thy revolution come, thy will be done in the zart-belt as it is in that liberal, socialist New England!

Give us this Hump day and our daily Big Mac. Forgive us for our complete screw ups as we forgive those who completely screw us over - or NOT!

Please lead us straight into as much temptation as you can create, and deliver us from ignorance!

For thine is funniest blog on the Internet with the power to make me laugh so hard I cry! Awoman!

Dromedary Hump said...

Truly, Camel dung, and other goodness shall follow you all the days of your life.

Angel said...

Longhorn, I think I peed a little. ROFL

And only Hump could offer us a dung-happy day and it be funnily acceptable.

John_poson26 said...

I guess I’ll be going to hell for my love of eating catfish?

Good post, Hump!

longhorn believer said...

@Angel - we have a saying in our house..."we're not having fun until somebody has peed their pants!" Usually it's me LOL!

Anonymous said...

Madalyn Murray O'Hair Biography
Political Figure / Activist
Madalyn Murray O'Hair was one of the litigants in the case of Murray vs. Curlett, which led the U.S. Supreme Court, in a 1963 decision, to ban organized prayer in public schools. The decision made O'Hair the country's most famous atheist and such a controversial figure that in 1964 Life magazine called her "the most hated woman in America." O'Hair founded the group American Atheists in 1963 and remained its leading spokesperson until 1995, when she and two of her adult children vanished after leaving a note saying they would be away temporarily. The trio appeared to have taken with them at least $500,000 in American Atheist funds; one private investigator concluded that they had fled to New Zealand. Eventually suspicion turned to David Roland Waters, an ex-convict who had worked at the American Atheist offices. Police concluded that he and accomplices had kidnapped the O'Hairs, forced them to withdraw the missing funds, and then murdered them. Waters eventually pled guilty to reduced charges and in January 2001 he led police to three bodies buried on a remote Texas ranch, which proved to be O'Hair and her children.

Extra credit: The children who disappeared with O'Hair were Jon Garth Murray, her son, and Robin Murray O'Hair, her granddaughter by another son, William. O'Hair also had adopted Robin Murray, making her both her daughter and her grandchild... O'Hair's son William announced his conversion to Christianity on Mother's Day in 1980 and became an outspoken evangelist for his new faith... A rumor continues to circulate online that the FCC is planning to ban religious broadcasting based on a petition by O'Hair; that rumor is not true.

Michelle said...

Madalyn Murray O'Hair Biography
Political Figure / Activist
Madalyn Murray O'Hair was one of the litigants in the case of Murray vs. Curlett, which led the U.S. Supreme Court, in a 1963 decision, to ban organized prayer in public schools. The decision made O'Hair the country's most famous atheist and such a controversial figure that in 1964 Life magazine called her "the most hated woman in America." O'Hair founded the group American Atheists in 1963 and remained its leading spokesperson until 1995, when she and two of her adult children vanished after leaving a note saying they would be away temporarily. The trio appeared to have taken with them at least $500,000 in American Atheist funds; one private investigator concluded that they had fled to New Zealand. Eventually suspicion turned to David Roland Waters, an ex-convict who had worked at the American Atheist offices. Police concluded that he and accomplices had kidnapped the O'Hairs, forced them to withdraw the missing funds, and then murdered them. Waters eventually pled guilty to reduced charges and in January 2001 he led police to three bodies buried on a remote Texas ranch, which proved to be O'Hair and her children.

Extra credit: The children who disappeared with O'Hair were Jon Garth Murray, her son, and Robin Murray O'Hair, her granddaughter by another son, William. O'Hair also had adopted Robin Murray, making her both her daughter and her grandchild... O'Hair's son William announced his conversion to Christianity on Mother's Day in 1980 and became an outspoken evangelist for his new faith... A rumor continues to circulate online that the FCC is planning to ban religious broadcasting based on a petition by O'Hair; that rumor is not true.