Monday, March 15, 2010

Hump’s New World Dictionary of Christian Gibberish

Every two weeks my across the street neighbor comes over for some 18 year old Glenfiddich scotch, finger food, and good talk around the wood stove. He’s a well read, well educated man, early fifties. He’s a non-practicing Catholic, and has two grown sons at least one of whom is an atheist. He’s bought two of my books (one for himself, one for his son) and I sense his belief hangs by a string; or maybe a slightly frayed rope. But either way he has way too much reason and respect for reality to be a hardcore theist.

This past Sunday afternoon the conversation got around to religion, no surprise there. He tossed a few Christian terms out to see if I knew what they meant: Immaculate Conception (that Mary was born without sin); The Assumption (Mary beaming up to heaven…) and the like. Catholics are really high on Mary. I passed with an overall grade of B+.

I got to thinking about how many words and phrases Christianity has spawned; things that have absolutely no other reason to exist in our language except to define terminologies for meaningless beliefs, acts or observances of things that never were and never will be real. It’s not peculiar to Christianity, all religions have them, but Christianity has developed making a lexicon of nonsense words into an art form.

It occurred to me that if we took some of those useless religious words and phrases and assigned them real world meanings maybe we can get the new definitions to catch on and replace the original meanings. Then we can incorporate them into secular speech, everyday language. This would sow the seeds of confusion among theists and eventually result in those words’ religious meanings becoming obsolete. Here are a few examples:

[The] Ass-ump-tion, noun - the cause of Christians’ backward thinking founded in a lack of interest in reading and educating themselves on 21st century realities.
I.e. “My belief that evolution is Satan’s deception is based on The Assumption that Ray Comfort, Kirk Cameron, and Ted Haggard are at least smarter than the average monkey.” Also see: Vapid

Be-at-i-fy, verb - to bestow a pummeling upon the head and shoulders of televangelists, fundamentalist right wing politicians and media types in an effort to beat some sense into them. Also see: Open a Can of Whoop-Ass

Im-mac-u-late Con-cep-tion, verb - a prerequisite for priests having unprotected coitus with Nuns who have OCD that manifests itself in fastidious personal hygiene.
Also see: Wet-nap

Rap-ture, verb - the emotion secularists would experience if all theists suddenly disappeared from the planet. Also see: ecstatic.

Res-sur-rec-tion, verb - occurrence of turgid penile condition experienced by a minister, priest, youth pastor or any member of the clergy upon seeing an alter boy or unattended child under the age of consent for the second time. Also see: Viagra

Sec-ond Com-ing, verb - [editor’s note: too obvious; see Resurrection]

Trin-it-y, noun -
1. The belief, predominantly among middle age Latinos, that Trini Lopez was the true son of God. Also see: Lemon Tree Song
2. A ménage-a-trois involving devout clergy, and any combination of children, prostitutes, male prostitutes, and each other. Also see: Hypocrite

Ok, that’s a start. I invite my faithless readers to provide their own word definition ideas. Who knows…they may be in my next book.


zarton said...

Decalogue, noun- A group of ten logs
ie. Hershel was found picking up a decalouge on the sabith and was stoned to death!
Eucharist, noun- an expert euchure player
ie. Thomas should have given his life to Christ, but instead became a Eucharist
Monotheism, noun- The sickness that comes from kissing Jesus' ass
Missionary, adjective- the postition that a good alterboy remains in until the priest is done
Fundamentalist, action- giving money to a faith healer

Dromedary Hump said...

Excellent!!! You have a talent for this. MONOtheism...LOL!

NewEnglandBob said...

P.Z Myers had a post today on the effectiveness of words:

Here is one from me:

Rev-e-la-tion: verb

1. What happens dead ancestor's bodies in their graves when their offspring wise up and give up religion.

Dromedary Hump said...

That one took me a few seconds... revelation = revolution aka spinning in their grave!!

Nice! :)

Luhter said...

Steeple - a symbol of religion used to attract priests and ministers to dedicate their lives to the Church. See Resurrection.

Tithe - Verb to waste while boosting the Church

Church - From the ancient "Sure Rich" see Get Rich Quick.

Pew - a whiff of the Church.

Bible - 1) A contraction of Buy and Bull. 2) Often confused with Babble, but Babble is harmless.

Amandarandom said...

Alpha and Omega - Symbolic for the beginning and the end, meaning "to draw the conclusion from the assertion", ignoring everything in between.

Apologetics, noun - feeling sorry for ever believing in a god.

Aureole of the Saints, noun - any imagine of that depicts Mary flashing her boobs.

Prayer Beads - Glass, wood, stone or plastic balls on a string. When properly inserted into the human body make one exalt God's name.

Bell, Book and Candle -
Symbols used in an old form of excommunication in the Church. The book signifies gaining knowledge, the bell signifies warning people about the priesthood and the candle stands for the light of reason. All three are anathema to the church.

Rachelle said...

LOLOL!!! This is a good way to start off a Monday. LOL! Funny stuff, Hump (et al). LOL!

I'm still tired from the time maybe someone else can redefine the fairly new and utterly useless term "intelligent design." LOL!

Angel said...

Saw a shirt the other day along this same line. Said, "Just because I don't subscribe to your beliefs doesn't mean I don't like you. Sometimes."

Great post, Hump!

Motorhead said...

Cru-ci-fied, euphemistic adjective - to describe a car that's been neglected. "Can't take'r on a cruise anymore. This car is crucified."

Motorhead said...

Dis-ci-ple, noun - a particular pomaceous fruit, species Malus domestica. "No, you dolt!! I'm not eating that apple, I'm eating disciple."

Note: My last 2 entries will serve better using a Mississippian accent. Thank you...

Dromedary Hump said...

Hey, we're on a roll here, thanks.

Oh, BTW a legal disclaimer: if I use your definitions in my next book there will be no compensation coming your way. Oh, and by posting here you reliquish any rights to the definitions.
Let me see... I think that covers my Hump :)

Motorhead said...

LOL Hump! It's the very least I can do. I would LOVE to see these in your next book! I'm trying to think of more. You've given me everything I've EVER asked of you, above and beyond the call of duty, as it were. I'm simply trying to return the favor!

NewEnglandBob said...

So when is the next book? Does it have a theme?

Dromedary Hump said...

Motor, thanks for the nice words.

NEBob, not till 2011; tentatively entitled:
"The Atheist Camel Rants Again"

Motorhead said...

Covenant, verb - hide from view or knowledge. "Iffin you'z don't want that thar ridin' mower to be seen, you'z best be covenant."

Motorhead said...

Pastor, verb - to move past; go by a lady who is moving slower than yourself. "Dis how I'za seein' it officer, dat gal was a movin' too slow fer my likin'. So.....I pastor!"

Beyond Belief said...

Circumcision, noun – Custom of preparing a young boy for his priest.

Communion, noun – To engage in the cannibalistic act of consuming one’s leader.

Crusades, noun – Gentile act of persuading one to convert to a different set of mythological beliefs.

Dark Ages, noun – Peak of Christian enlightenment.

Sex, verb – See evil.

Prayer, verb – To speak to one’s self.

Motorhead said...

Cru-ci-fix, noun - a liquid cure-all; used mainly in internal combustion engines. "We'z can have'r up-n-runnin' in no time Bubba. Just pour you a can of that thar Crucifix in'r and we'll take'r for a spin."

NOTE: I think Crucifix was marketed by K-tel in the '70's. It slipped off the radar like Slick 50 did.

Motorhead said...

Number of the Beast, noun - the phone number of an ex-spouse, unliked in-law, I.R.S., tele-marketer, lawyer, church, minister, priest, criminals, theist, et al. "I didn't answer the phone. The number of the beast was on the caller I.D."

Motorhead said...

Satan, verb - to show animosity; an extreme dislike for. "Cletus got heema new job with the Appalachian ski-patrol. He'z mo' den not likin' it, he satan it!!"

Rachelle said...


I can't wait for the new book. :)

LaurieB said...

Immaculate conception = cloning

Just immagine it. Reproduction without exchange of nasty body fluids or any get down and dirty sex acts involved! And people can keep their damned genetic mutations to themselves and cease to impose them on others! And best of all: the kid will be an absolute replica of his/her parent's DNA - nobody else's DND to contend with at all!

You can't get more immaculate than that! You'd think the catholics would be all fired up about this, but no, one mention of cloning and they're all over you like a bad suit.

Lisa said...

Bishop, n. - A church chessman skilled at moving priests diagonally from parish to parish

Lisa said...

Heav'n, n. - where the blessed go after heav'n the b.s. onto the younger generation

Friar, n. - church official of yore whose duty it was to fry the brains of his parishoners, also spelled "fryer."

Pope, n. - anagram of "oppe," root word of opressor

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I just can't resist replying to the Fundies. :-)

Facebook status prayer:
"God, restore me to the man I have yet to become. Equip me with the weapons to perform your will. Clear my vision. Provide direction, and set firm a straight path before my feet. Set my gaze upon you alone Lord. Forgive me. Wash me in Your cleansing blood and prepare me for war. Define me within Your being O' God. Test me. Prove me. Send me O' Lord God. "Here am I, Send me!"

My reply:
So literally you are asking for plastic surgery to add wrinkles (Not sure how else you can restore something from the future), laser eye surgery, a taser, a GPS, an engineer to construct your driveway. blinkers with a plastic bobblehead Jesus in front. A bath in red wine (let's pass on the blood) and an application to the Army for a trip to Afghanistan. After the wine, a Breathalyzer test. Parcel yourself up in a big cardboard box, put a stamp on it and you will be 'sent'.

Dromedary Hump said...


Arm- a- ged- don, verb: (from the Texas slang) to leave in a hurry before the world ends, skedaddle, vamanos
(i.e. "Armageddon outa here befur yore husband gets home")

Anonymous said...

amen = ah, men

The Rev said...

pray-er, n. 1. Person who is willing to think about your problems, but not actually do anything to help. "I need five more dollars or I'm going to be evicted!" "I'll pray for you to get it." 2. One who stalks their prey in a church.

pew, n. An appropriate name, considering the BS you encounter while sitting in one.

Dromedary Hump said...

Ha! Nicely done everyone. Good stuff that may well find it's way into the sequel.

Lisa, I must say If there were a title for this exercise you'd be a top contender.

DM said...

add some comment moderation to your blasphemy blog, little fool…

DM said...

Einstein puts the final nail in the coffin of atheism...



atheists deny their own life element...

add some comment moderation to your blog of blasphemy...idiot...