On a recent visit to an offshoot congregation of his in New Hampshire, I had the opportunity to meet with Reverend Mountebank and get the low down on the imminent destruction of the world as we know it.
Hump: Reverend Mountebank, I understand you have proclaimed that the End Times are at hand. Since the bible says no man knows the timing on what do you base your prediction.
Rev. Mountebank: Please, call me Reverend Billy Bob, there’s no point on being formal now with the End at hand.
Hump: Ok then, Billy Bob.
Rev. BB: Uh…that’s REVEREND Billy Bob.
Hump: Oh, sorry… Reverend Billy Bob.
Rev. BB: Well, the signs are very clear – tsunamis; meteorites flaming in the sky; earthquakes in Haiti, China, Utah, Chili; mudslides in Brazil, a volcano in Iceland, war and civil unrest, locust plague in Australia, homos getting married, a nigra president…
Hump [interrupting]: Wait a second Reverend, what do laws permitting gays to marry, or the election of an African-American President have to do with biblical End Times prophesy?
Rev. BB: Well, son, you see it’s all part of the sign you know… natural disasters, chaos, and Satan’s growing influence and power affecting the world. Never in the 6,000 year history of the planet have there been so many disasters, wars and certainly never a homo marriage or nigra world leader.
Hump: But Billy Bob…
Rev. BB: That’s REVEREND Billy Bob!
Hump: Right, Reverend Billy Bob… but natural disasters happen every day all over the planet, as many as 20,000 earthquakes a year, 50 a day. It’s only that we are made aware of those that happen in heavily populated areas, such as the most recent ones. Besides, earthquakes have only been systematically measured and recorded by scientists for the past hundred years out of Earth’s 4 billion plus year history. Volcanoes erupt continuously on land and under water; and as far as wars, there has never been even a single year in recorded history where war hasn’t…
Rev. BB: You’ve been deceived by Satan, boy!! The Devil has got you to thinking too much. There used to be maybe a dozen or so earthquakes a century, now its killer earthquakes every week, and balls of flame in the sky and hellfire volcanoes in otherwise ice cold places. It’s God telling us to gird our loins an’ git ready to come home. Satan is stirring the pot using heathen A-rabs to do his dirty work. He’s bending people’s minds to accept sodomites as normal folk; causing them Mexicans to swarm over the border; and putting a communist bearer of the mark of Cain, the Afro-Negro or whatever you call them, in charge of Jesus’ chosen nation … it’s all as the bible said it would be. Hallelujah!!
Hump: But I’ve read the bible and it doesn’t mention anything about gays, Mexicans or Blacks foretelling the End Times.
Rev. BB: CONTEXT!! Context, boy!! You have to read the bible in its proper context, it’s all there. Besides, God spoke to me and told me the end is near. We was having a bowl of grits and fat back and… Hey! You ain’t one of them Liberal Jeeews, or idol worshipping papists, or faggots yer self are ya? Are you right with God? Are you prepared to meet your maker, welcome the Lord Jesus Christ’s return, and be embraced by his love, light, kindness, forgiveness, tolerance and goodness … are you saved, boy?
Hump: Actually I’m an atheist.
Rev. BB: Atheist?? There ain’t no such thing—you just hate God and the Baby Jesus, you godless heathen monkey worshipper! I’ll enjoy watching you burn in hell for an eternity while I’m sipping a cool libation in Heaven and stroking the Lord’s hair, boy. Now get the hell out of my face you baby-eating-communist-spawn-of-Satan, there’s a Fox camera crew over there and I know THEY love them some Jesus.