Sunday, August 1, 2010

A Camel’s Prayer - please join me in worship

Please prostrate yourself and join me in prayer to some supernatural being of your imagination.

O, Supernatural Higher Intellect of The Highly Unlikely Existence - thou art the be all and end all, the Alpha and the Omega, the zenith and the dregs, the apex and the slit trench. I am but a lowly life form of your creation, although a lot better than a tapeworm. I worship you because I know you love me and also because I know if I don’t worship you that you have the power to subject me to eternal torture, forever withholding the release of death; or even to turn me into a tapeworm, for thou art Omnipotent.

[congregation in unison] “Praise be to You O Lord. Please don’t hurt me and thank you for not making me an intestinal parasite.”

O, Supernatural Higher Intellect of The Highly Unlikely Existence (aka SHITHUE)- I am humbled before your greatness for I am nothing. Everything I eat I owe to you, and not me or the Wal-Mart Super Store double coupon promotion. Everything I own was your doing, and not mine. My career, my promotion, my 401K, my retirement, my wife and children, my new 52 inch flat screen TV, my health insurance … all is through your largess and generosity. Without you I would regress into a primitive subhuman, groveling in the muck, raping, killing, stealing, molesting, and voting for Godless Democrats (aka Communists.)

[congregation in union] “Praise be to You O Lord. Thank you for holding my health insurance co-pay to $25 per visit. ”

O, S H I T H U E – please hear my prayer. Smite mine enemies. Strike them down. Blind them. Make them suffer. Infect their pets with fleas and their children with head lice. You know who they are for thou art Omniscient. Thine creation of AIDS and Childhood Diabetes is a good start and doth comfort me.

[congregation in unison] “Praise be to You O Lord, healer of head colds, bringer of rain… eventually, stopper of oil spills , protector and deliverer of Your righteous followers, and uncompromising plague inducing / death dealing ogre to all others -- and sometimes Your own relatives.”

O, S H I T H U E - Thou art pure goodness and love, and yet I inexplicably fear Your unpredictable sociopathic wrath and Cower in your Gory for ever and ever.

[congregation in unison] “Praise be to You O Lord, Omni benevolent and loving destroyer, and hater of amputees.”


[congregation in unison] “Amen.”

The faithful who would like to partake in Holy Communion and receive the host please form a line down the center aisle. And please, people … those of you with oral herpes …don’t let your open sores ooze into the punch bowl of the Lord’s blood, and no double dipping into the mango salsa of the Lord’s body. Thank you.


NewEnglandBob said...

Oh My DOG! You have a 52 inch flat screen TV???!!!

You did forget one verse:

O, S H I T H U E – thank you for ACC moderation. You work in mysterious ways and send us the mentally unstable and now You will allow us to never speak his name, forever more.

[congregation in unison] “Praise be to You, O Lord, banisher of Montreal madness, destroyer of 'authors' of books of lies no one will even read for free, and for freeing us from creationists who have so little intelligence they can't even rub I and Q together to come up with a score.

Rastifan said...

"The plan is working ZQURAX. The humans are accepting the mind parasite "Jesus" as their savior and are letting it in to their minds".

"Yes ZQRZ. Soon scientific progress will halt and when humans are feeling worthless and weak enough due to the parasite's work, we will strike and invade earth, finding a whole world on their knees in utter worthlessness and despair. Then the humanity will be ours slaves".

"That leaves the atheist problem. Check with the lab and see if they have made any progress on it" And bring commender god his supper will you".

I may have debunked faith:)
Amusing article Hump. And so true.

Anonymous said...

This prayer strikes the correct balance between "I love you" and "Please don't hurt me", the 2 adulations due any/all deity(ies).

Atemis Ward said...

This is priceless, I laughed until it hurt. Thanks.

Engineer of Knowledge said...

Hello Hump,
Nice prayer but everyone knows that the true religion is the “Holy Oak Tree” that grows on my farm. Although then there is the lesser deity of Microdot's “Big Holy Rock” that is near his home in France.

For a mere $20.00 check payable to Engineer of Knowledge ($100 check would be better and you will get more direct attention) and I will make sure that the “Holy Oak Tree” will answer all your prayers....if it finds you worthy of course.

Praise be to the Holy Oak Tree and Big Holy Rock!!! Amen…..

Dromedary Hump said... 52" tv, it weas just a handy reference. And you're welcome :)

Rasti..heheh... thanks.

Anon... yep. I wonder which they sense more..fear or love of their deity. Given it's past his performance I'd say fear.

Art... glad you liked it ;)

Engineer... the problem with your oak is if THAT bush starts burning it will likely burn down your house. It's will be done. :)

Analog Kid said...

This was a laugh-fest. Reminds me of my old Catholic days. But OMFG, I had a revelation after reading the comments of "anonymous". This god-man relationship exactly correlates with a marraige to an abusive spouse. "I love you, but please don't hurt me." The spouse being abused doesn't want to let go and remains in the abusive relationship, riddled with guilt and fear....the two cornerstones of any great religion.

Anonymous said...

Oh Universal Supernatural Higher Intellect of The Totally New Greatness Making Eternity (aka U SHITTING ME) spare me from it all.

Rachelle said...

LOLOL! Thank YOU for this hilarious post, Hump. LOLOL!

longhorn believer said...

Oh S H I T H U E who protects us in war and watches over football games. We give you all the glory for the last ten years of winning seasons by the Texas Longhorns and the 2005 National Championship. Oh deity we beg you to grant our coach the knowledge to secure another winning season and a BCS bowl bid. Thank you for smiting our enemy USC with NCAA violations, and we humbly request a similar smiting of the Sooners. We know you work in mysterious ways, so we do not question your infinite wisdom which allowed our QB to be injured last year in the first quarter of the National Championship (but seriously, WTF!!!) and we humbly request your continued protection this year for all Longhorn QBs.

[Longhorn fans in unison] Praise be to you oh mighty warrior god who vanquishes all enemies on the holy grid iron of pig skin competition

longhorn believer said...

@analog kid - Hump wrote a post a few months ago with an excellent analysis of how people's relationship to God is so similar to an abusive spouse. That comparison was a real eye opener for me too!

Sinfanti said...

Thanks for stirring up the repressed memories of my Catholic upbringing.

There goes all of my therapist's hard work.

Shaw Kenawe said...

Hump! Best laugh of the week, so far. I feel it is only fair to give you a chuckle in turn.

Dromedary Hump said...

analog, Rachelle...Thanks.

Sin... sorry bout that. I'm sure you'll be better sooon;)

Shaw... Yeah, great bus sign.. and "Bart"cop?? I thought I was the only Bart in the world.