O, Supernatural Higher Intellect of The Highly Unlikely Existence - thou art the be all and end all, the Alpha and the Omega, the zenith and the dregs, the apex and the slit trench. I am but a lowly life form of your creation, although a lot better than a tapeworm. I worship you because I know you love me and also because I know if I don’t worship you that you have the power to subject me to eternal torture, forever withholding the release of death; or even to turn me into a tapeworm, for thou art Omnipotent.
[congregation in unison] “Praise be to You O Lord. Please don’t hurt me and thank you for not making me an intestinal parasite.”
O, Supernatural Higher Intellect of The Highly Unlikely Existence (aka SHITHUE)- I am humbled before your greatness for I am nothing. Everything I eat I owe to you, and not me or the Wal-Mart Super Store double coupon promotion. Everything I own was your doing, and not mine. My career, my promotion, my 401K, my retirement, my wife and children, my new 52 inch flat screen TV, my health insurance … all is through your largess and generosity. Without you I would regress into a primitive subhuman, groveling in the muck, raping, killing, stealing, molesting, and voting for Godless Democrats (aka Communists.)
[congregation in union] “Praise be to You O Lord. Thank you for holding my health insurance co-pay to $25 per visit. ”
O, S H I T H U E – please hear my prayer. Smite mine enemies. Strike them down. Blind them. Make them suffer. Infect their pets with fleas and their children with head lice. You know who they are for thou art Omniscient. Thine creation of AIDS and Childhood Diabetes is a good start and doth comfort me.
[congregation in unison] “Praise be to You O Lord, healer of head colds, bringer of rain… eventually, stopper of oil spills , protector and deliverer of Your righteous followers, and uncompromising plague inducing / death dealing ogre to all others -- and sometimes Your own relatives.”
O, S H I T H U E - Thou art pure goodness and love, and yet I inexplicably fear Your unpredictable sociopathic wrath and Cower in your Gory for ever and ever.
[congregation in unison] “Praise be to You O Lord, Omni benevolent and loving destroyer, and hater of amputees.”
[congregation in unison] “Amen.”
The faithful who would like to partake in Holy Communion and receive the host please form a line down the center aisle. And please, people … those of you with oral herpes …don’t let your open sores ooze into the punch bowl of the Lord’s blood, and no double dipping into the mango salsa of the Lord’s body. Thank you.