Thursday, August 5, 2010

Letter from an irate Christian to Eternal Earth-Bound Pets sets me straight.


Occasionally I receive letters from Christians antagonized by my Eternal Earth-Bound Pets post rapture pet rescue web business. The one I received last week is classic.

Dear Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA,

First off this is beyond dumb. after [sic] the rapture you wont be on earth [sic] you will be on [sic] hell. the [sic] earth [sic] will be given to God [?] and his believers (which you would know if you read a bible once in your life). Also God will give his believers what made them happy on earth [sic].
Our pets will be with us in heaven (so to make it clear your pets will be in heaven and you....wont [sic] be)i [sic] really am sorry that you HATE people who believe in SOMETHING so much that you have to do this. I think you need to read the Bible for one. Second off READ the book "The Case for Christ" by Lee Stroble. It will change your thoughts i [sic] think somewhat.

from [sic]

p.s. watch the movie "All Dogs Go to Heaven" thanks

Not being one to ignore gross stupidity the following was sent in reply:


Dear Tara,

Thank you for your interest in our service.

As a student of religion, having read both the KJV and NIV; many other volumes on comparative religion, Biblical criticism, Christianity and Christian apologetics; and minored in religion (majored in psychology) in college -- my understanding of scripture is rather complete.

I interpret Christian doctrine as it is drawn from the Bible by mainstream Christian denominations, not from a 1989 animated cartoon which seems to be your preferred source of doctrine. You may want to consider the more established source.

The "Rapture" is not in fact Biblical, but an interpretation by a minority of Christian sects drawn from 1Thessalonians. Considering the exclusionary and hideous Christian doctrine that sends non-believers, Jews, Hindus, Muslims, indeed the majority of the planet to a place of eternal torture for simple non-belief in Jesus; the inventive idea of your pet gerbil and garter snake hobnobbing with Jesus while Anne Frank, Gandhi, and Jonas Salk burn in hell for eternity makes the already horrid Christian doctrine even more obscene a concept. But likely that irony is lost on you.

Nothing in the Bible describes heaven vis-à-vis its physical properties, environs, or "god providing" everything one wants. If you can find such Biblical chapter and verse I'd be delighted to see it. Some Christian sects like to invent their preferred image of heaven, or draw it from movies and imaginative Christian writers. That’s fine. But it’s all fabrication much like female or chubby little baby angels, which also are not supported by / mentioned in the Bible. This is all no doubt a shock to you.

As for "beyond dumb," let not your heart be troubled. The steady flow of income from pet loving Rapture believers more than compensates for any "dumbness" on the part of my staff, my clientele, or me.

On an unrelated note: I am curious as to why religionists insist on capitalizing certain words at random when they are in a letter writing religious fervor. Perhaps I’ll publish a research paper on the prose and grammar of religionists. I hope you don't mind that I'll be using your letter as an example of this inexplicable affectation.

If we can be of any service in the future please feel free to let us know.

My best to you,

Bart

26 comments:

NewEnglandBob said...

I wonder if Tara Gamet is even sharp enough to feed herself. She probably is not and someone must do it for her; maybe her pets. Too bad about her mental disabilities.

Enrico S said...

WOW! It's actually quite sad how little they know of their own religious documents. Just freaking embarrassing.

I'm sure all of what you wrote was completely lost on Tara. She does not read the bible, she just listens to what her pastor tells her.

Enrico S said...

(second attempt)
Its quite sad and embarrassing how little these "believers" actually know about their religious documents.
Just listen to what Pastor John regurgitates on Sunday and put your money in the plate. Whatever keeps the masses coming back for more.

Sadly, I'm sure, all of what you wrote was completely lost on poor Tara. When she show's your response to her pastor, he will be quick to point out that you are one of "those intellectuals" who know nothing of god. The he quotes to her Proverbs 16:25: "There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death."

On the upside, it's funny as hell to read what these people write!

Dan DeMura said...

I ponder... I've had several dogs throughout my lifetime... my first dog "Sheba" a German Shepherd, I loved that dog... and "Shep" a Collie that I had to put down right before I went into military... are they going to "rise again" at the rapture? Do ALL (I capitalized that just for you) our pets get to go to heaven?
And... Damn it... who's going to take care of my dogs if I don't get to go to Heaven?
Maybe a Christian out there should start a mirror site to yours... Christians who will take care of Atheists pets in Heaven. ;-)

Bob Loblaw said...

Imagine having to spend eternity with a bunch of cringing Christers. A fate worse than death itself, living in no-fun city forever. Pets don't get to go there,thankfully, so Eternal Earth-Bound Pets is a necessary service

Sue said...

Bart, this is extra friggin' brilliant. I beg you again to let me take part in your N. Carolina operation to save post-rapture pets. I can offer training! I am a certified pet behavior consultant and trainer! And I can also exercise and train dogs in agility, distance hiking, and Chuck-It! Maybe someone would pay an extra premium for that?

Sue said...

AND also, Bart, I have 9 chickens and 2 ducks, and plenty of space, so I would be happy to take on the rescue of post-rapture poultry. You must understand that backyard poultry is a huge trend in our area and we love our chooks and ducks, whether god-fearing or god-free. And are ducks and chickens any less deserving of a good life after the second coming? I will love them like my own as I ponder the absurdity of eternal damnation.

Joyce said...

Second off READ the book "The Case for Christ" by Lee Stroble.[sic]

It's Strobel.

Don't get me started on the grammar. I'd be here all day.

Dromedary Hump said...

Sue,
you're on my list if we need additional staffing. But between my niece and the other two rescuers we have in NC we're covered for now. Sorry.

I'm hoping th new May 2011 end times prediction that has been touted all over the net will generate hysteria among the faithful and jolt business.

Bonnie said...

What an extraordinarily stupid woman! I almost feel sorry for her since it's obvious she's been brainwashed, but I just can't.

Brainwashing aside, whoever uses a Disney cartoon as part of their theology deserves to be mocked and ridiculed.

Seriously though, why do these fundies butcher the English language so badly?

Anonymous said...

Hello Hump,

I was pretty much undecided about being involved in your humanitarian endeavor until I came across Percy's delicious recipe. Since the day nears, perhaps my services in the commonwealth of PA could be of some use. Of course the word "hunks" is typically used in fine cuisine speak. No, I didn't make this up. Bon appetite.

ADAM

Percy Johnson’s Herb-Grilled Dog Recipe

(serves four)

Ingredients:

Hunks of skinless dog meat (6 to 8 ounces each), trimmed and rinsed

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

Crushed red chile flakes

3 cloves garlic, minced

2 tablespoons chopped fresh rosemary, flat-leaf parsley, or other fresh herb

1/4 cup fresh lemon juice, plus 4 lemon wedges for serving

1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil; more for drizzling

Directions:

Lightly wet a hunk of dog with cold water and set it between two sheets of plastic wrap. Pound it into a broad, flat sheet about 1/4-inch thick, using a meat pounder, the side of a heavy cleaver, or a skillet. Pound the other hunks the same way and arrange them on a baking sheet.

Generously season each hunk on both sides with salt and pepper and a pinch or two of chile flakes. Sprinkle both sides with the garlic and rosemary. Drizzle both sides with the lemon juice and olive oil and pat into the meat with your fingertips. Refrigerate the hunks for 20 minutes while you prepare the grill.

Heat a gas grill to high or prepare a hot charcoal fire. Brush and oil the grill grate.

Arrange the dog hunks on the grill grate and grill until cooked and firm to the touch, 1 to 2 minutes per side. (Use a long, wide spatula to move and turn the hunks.) Transfer the hunks to a platter or plates. Drizzle with olive oil and serve immediately with lemon wedges for squeezing.

Dromedary Hump said...

Bonnie... I think a lack of respect for secular learning has a lot to do with it.

Anon... having sampled dog myself I'm going to pass on this recipe. My guess is it would work equally well with woodchucks.

longhorn believer said...

Someone suggested recently that I read "The Case for Christ". I try to keep an open mind and read from all different opinions on religion. I just barely skimmed thru it at a book store. About all I could tell that quickly was that it used a lot of circular reasoning etc. Can anyone give me a synopsis?

Hump, this post is excellent as usual. I love it when they tell you to read the Bible! Hehe!

Dromedary Hump said...

Longhorn..
LOL!! ALL religionsists want you to red Lee Strobel. you see. Lee "claims" he was an atheist and then found christianity. He is a reigionists dream. And professional Christian apologist.

They assume if one atheist loses all reason, and comes over to fantasy then who better to try and convince you of giving up our brain than he. :)

Yep.. here's your synopsis of Strobel's book: IDIOCY AND DELUSION PERSONIFIED, FIT ONLY FOR THE ALREADY RELIGIOUSLY STUPID.

hope that helps

Anonymous said...

Hi Hump,

Great post. When you respond to theists, do they ever respond to your responce? I'd like to see what this particular idiot would write, but somehow I doubt you would hear from her again.

- Fastthumbs

Dromedary Hump said...

Thanks, Fast.
Sometimes I get a terribly weak rebuttal. In this case, nothing.

Banda in barbar said...

Comentariul dvs. a fost salvat şi va fi vizibil după ce va fi aprobat de către proprietarul blogului

you see your blog is a religious one
Comentariul dvs. a fost salvat

comment you are saven
salvat salvation

your blog saves...gratia deos


all dromedarian are save
the bible says the meek and my dromedaria....... inherit the earth

now a a furry creatures adventure game you are a furry creature ergo...

Dromedary Hump said...

Banda... Uh..
only comments are saved here... not souls.

EarlyOut said...

Banda's post makes me kinda miss DM. At least you always knew where you stood with him. ;)

Dromedary Hump said...

Early...heheh. Well, I think there is a language issue with Banda. I am not sure where he/she/it is coming from. I didn't post it's 2nd comment because I couldn't make head nor tails of what it was trying to say, or even venture a guess.

EarlyOut said...

For what it's worth, the language is Romanian, and the initial quote is simply, "Your comment has been saved and will be visible after being approved by the blog owner."

But beyond that, you're on your own!

Dromedary Hump said...

Early, yes.. that part I translated. Hence my reply to him about saving comments not souls.

His next email was a bizarre poem that translated made even less sense to me than it did in it's original language. :)

longhorn believer said...

Hump said: "nothing in the bible describes heaven vis a viv its physical properties"

What about the scripture that talks about pearly gates and streets made of gold? I know it's in the Bible, but maybe it doesn't specifically mention heaven in that passage? Also, my devout relatives would surely point out the scripture that says something about their "father" preparing a place for them in heaven, although I don't think it says what kind of place. Could be a hut made of camel dung for all they know! LOL!!

Hump, please enlighten me!

Dromedary Hump said...

Longhorn...
It's not Heaven that was described in that Revelation 21:23 verse about pearly gates and gold streets. It's describing Jerusalem.

Yeah..the place being prepared for them is a worm filled hole.

longhorn believer said...

Thanks Hump. I will go look at it again. I knew it had to be something that had been interpreted to fulfill the Pentecostal brand of heaven. Thanks as always for the edification

thishollowearth said...

If they knew anything of their own religion, they wouldn't be religious. Great response.