Wednesday, November 10, 2010

What Price Glory? Hump’s new business venture is every myth’s godsend.

After many years of researching prospects, evaluating market potential, and creating a business plan with almost unlimited possibilities the stage is set and I am now ready to peel back the veil of secrecy from my latest and greatest project.

Move over J. Walter Thompson! You may be the most renown advertising, marketing and public relations firm on the planet for things and beings born of the natural universe, but you missed the boat this time!


November 10, 2010; Langdon, NH, USA

Subject: D. Waterfilled Hump & Sons, Ltd. announces launch of the first and only public relations service to the fading fabled, marginalized mythical & superfluous supernatural. Clients named.

Whether you were once feared as a night stalking blood sucking undead spirit; lauded as a magical pot of gold harboring Irish imp; or worshipped as a malevolent god of vengeance and blood sacrifice; if your star has faded and you’ve lost your following
D. Waterfilled Hump & Sons will restore your reputation to its once shining glory.

“There are a lot of once great supernatural beings who have fallen on hard times.” explains Dromedary Hump, CEO and founder. “Belief in supernatural has waned. These myths just aren’t getting any respect anymore. We’re committed to changing all that.”

In a marketing coup D.W. Hump & Sons have signed some of the greatest names in supernatural myth and fable. “Our first client was Odin. He was in a rather depressed state when he came to us since his name hasn’t been mentioned in any serious way since the 1958 film The Vikings, staring Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis.” Hump explains. “We did a story board and threw out some battle axes to see if they’d stick, so to speak. His people loved the ideas.”

The firm isn’t just focusing on restoring pagan gods to prominence; they’ll take on pretty much any myth.

Eldest son J.R. Hump, Executive Vice President of Things That Go Bump in the Night will be exclusively committed to mythical monsters and non-violent fables. “It’s a specialty area. The mythical beings we have under contract are a mixed bag. Some were once feared and respected, but their reputations have succumbed to over exposure.”

No cookie cutter approach here. Each client fable has their marketing campaign uniquely tailored for them. “Dracula is planning a major comeback with our help. We already have him set up with a speech therapist to lose the hokey Eastern European accent. More sex, less creepiness is our approach for this icon of horror.” Says J.R..

J.R. expects to have the Tooth Fairy under contract by the end of the year, and is negotiating with a number of female demons. “Succubus has approached us. She’s really looking for a complete image makeover. We’re thinking name change. Maybe ‘SuckYourBus,’ or ‘Linseed Lowhand,’ it’s up in the air for now.”

“Basically we’ll do whatever we have to do to get the gullible to keep believing in our clients, or if belief is nonexistent, to resurrect their reputation and image.” Says J.C. Hump, CFO and VP of Pagan god Refurbishment and the younger son. “Speaking of ‘resurrecting’, we’ve transformed the old dead, reborn, and almost extinct gods Tammuz, Horus, and Osiris into a boy band ‘The New Holy Trinity’.” J.C. adds. “They open in Las Vegas on the 25th and then go on tour in the Middle East during the Spring Solstice.”

Asked about that faded and somewhat jaded mandarin, Dromedary Hump explains: “Jesus of Nazareth has his own world wide PR team. Unfortunately between their child molesting, hate speechifying, politically untenable positions, and propensity for being money grubbing fakes in His name, they’ve been doing more harm than good.”

But, Mr. Hump has a nose for sniffing out opportunity. “We’ve talked informally. Jesus knows His credibility is practically shot and He’s losing followers by the millions to reason, science and intellect. I assured Him that if push comes to shove we’ll expand ‘The New Holy Trinity’ into a quartet, give Him top billing and call it something like ‘The Dead Man-Gods Four’. I think it’s just a matter of time before He comes around.”

Hump offered some inside details on his approach for the tarnished King of Kings’ image restoration: “We’d dump the mullet; do some reconstructive surgery on His hands and feet; a little nose work; trim the beard; full dental caps; change His symbol from an execution devise to a circumcised penis; quietly stop capitalizing references to him. It’d be a hard sell, but if he can hold a tune old women and young boys will be throwing their underwear at him in no time. Justin Bieber watch out!”

D. Waterfilled Hump & Son’s, Ltd. is a privately held limited liability corporation.
For more information, or to discuss resurrecting your mythical reputation contact:
D. Hump,


NewEnglandBob said...

It seems like a very nepotistic company.

But you know, I was sniffing around the trash outside the D. Waterfilled Hump & Son’s, Ltd. global headquarters office and found the client list:

Dromedary Hump said...

Heheh..yeah. The possibilites are endless!

Luther Weeks said...

Jesus has really got to establish himself, distance himself from the Pope, James Dobson, Rick Warren, and Pat Robertson.

Perhaps start by suing to regain copyright to "Jesus Camp". Maybe blame a couple hurricanes on false missionaries or the dating restrictions at Bob Jones U.

Mattoid said...

This Shimkus moron - I just can't take any more. I went to his website, which of course features a cross and a couple of white squirrels(The Virgin Squirrel and friend?). His survey includes a reference to morality as a potential huge problem in the US. I bet he'll be found tapping his foot in some stall somewhere - those that disapprove and complain the loudest are very often the ones with much to hide.

Tim said...

I don't know why, but I found that portrait of Jesus hilarious.