As an atheist and a skeptic I don’t put any stock in fortune telling or prophesying the future. I’ll leave that to the weak of mind, gullible and religious. I am however gifted with the not so unique talent of predicting the acts of the religiously infected community whose behavior is as predictable as a Youth Minister’s arousal at a preteen church camping trip.
So, here are NostradamHump’s top ten religiously oriented predictions for the coming year. Remember, you heard it here first!:
- Pat Robertson will make another inane connection between a natural disaster and God’s wrath. Within a week he’ll die of a massive stroke brought about by his being exposed as the illegitimate son of philosopher and atheist Bertrand Russell and direct descendant of Judas Iscariot.
- The pope will make another insensitive and wholly (and holy) stupid remark about condoms, Muslims, and the acceptability of pedophilia. He’ll follow that up by issuing a Papal Writ that declares priestly erections a mortal sin ... thereby claiming he has resolved the child molestation problem among his shaman. In an unrelated edict, he also changes the Vatican’s age of consent from twelve to eight years old.
- The Texas School Board will outlaw the teaching of Evolution. During the subsequent book burning of all science texts two board members will catch fire and burn to a crisp. The remaining members will declare it “Part of God’s plan.”
- Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church will picket the funeral of a Medal of Honor recipient. Twenty openly gay active service combat veterans beat him to a pulp, cover him in BBQ sauce, and slow roast him over an open fire taking 2nd prize in the Kansas State Pig Roast BBQ Cook-Off.
- Creationists and religious fanatics Ray "Banana Boy" Comfort and Kirk Cameron will be discovered in a motel room committing unspeakable acts with various fruits and vegetables. Claiming the pineapple Ray shoved up Kirk’s ass is a perfect fit, Ray declares it further proof of God’s existence. Kirk will be speechless, but evidently moved to tears of devotion will nod in agreement.
- On April 6th, the day they commemorate the establishment of the Mormon Church, LDS President Thomas S. Monson will receive a revelation from God. Effective that day Mormon women will switch from wearing the traditional sacred but frumpy under garment to wearing the Sacred Thong of Moroni. He also declares Utah a slave state.
- Labeling them an affront to Allah, Islam will issue a fatwa against Joe Frazier, Ken Norton, Leon Sphinx and Larry Holmes after learning that each had disrespected "Muhammed" by kicking his ass in a boxing match. In an unrelated incident, Islam declares jihad on ebay after a hummus coated pita with the image of Muhammed is offered for sale ... and no one buys it. In another inexplicable action, Islam will launch a jihad against all African Americans, when an imam in Georgia over hears a man at his favorite waffle house ask his waiter to "Get me some mo ham, Ed."
- In March archeologists working a dig in Israel discover crucified remains in a bone box inscribed: “Jesus of Nazareth - Son of Joseph and Mary, Brother of James, Donkey Thief, Killer of Fig Trees, Trouble Maker, all around Smart Ass.” After carbon dating confirms authenticity, Easter is officially cancelled.
- After five months of non-stop prayer, an Evangelical church in Mississippi will announce it has successfully regenerated an amputee’s limb. When investigating scientists explain that the amputee in question is a star fish and they can do that all by themselves, the faithful will insist it still counts.
- With the uneventful passing of the May 21, 2011 Rapture prophesy, thousands of disappointed fundamentalist Christians converge on Evangelical charlatan Harold Camping’s radio station. In a last minute bid to save his reputation and life Camping will swear he said some Christians will have a “rupture” on May 21st … not “Rapture.” The crowd buys it, disburse peacefully, and head to Walmart creating a run on hernia trusses.
There you have it. I wouldn’t say you can bank on these predictions, but if Shakespeare was right, and “past is prologue,” I’d say these are better than even money bets.
Wishing all my friends and readers a happy, healthy and prosperous 2011.