Lately the “...and I’m a Mormon” ad campaign has caught my attention. It seems to come up often throughout the day, almost every time I get on facebook. The link takes you directly to http://mormon.org/jeff (“jeff” being that ad’s Mormon profile), so I can’t exercise my right to post troll messages as I am want to do from time to time.
The ads are designed to put a human face on what many people think of as a cult. Oh, let me be more direct: what I think of as a 19th century charlatan’s inventive rework of Christianity in order to scam money from credulous jerks of the day.
These ads feature normal everyday folk, who do normal every day things; who served in the military; lost a leg in an accident; raised a bunch of foster kids; or coach soccer. You know, “Everyman.” Naturally they do not get into the nitty gritty of what makes Mormons the red headed step child of Christianity (as opposed to the JW’s who are seen more as the insane relative who is best kept locked in the attic).
No, no mention of the coincidence that the church leadership had a revelation from God to give up polygamy simultaneous with the Federal Government’s threat to deny Utah statehood until they did. No mention of the lost tribes of Israel that occupied North America, rode elephants, had chariots, iron weapons, armor, horses....thousands of years before the Spanish came to the new world, and for which no trace has ever been found in spite of investing massive amounts of money on archeological works to find proof.
No mention of the 1857 Mountain Meadows Massacre when Mormons, arguably at the direction of Brigham Young, dressed as Indians and slaughtered non-Mormon settlers passing through Utah. No mention of the “delightsome” white people versus the accursed Black folk whose blackness is the eternal punishment of the mark of Cain. No discussion of institutionalized racism until the 1970’s, blacks being denied the right to the priesthood.
No mention of the doctrine that if they tithe enough, do missionary work, rise through the ranks, and lead lives of complete obedience they will become a God of their own planet.
Nope, they want to separate themselves from these things and other really nutty Mormon stuff, and just be perceived as Jesus loving Christians like you and me...well, you know what I mean... like any other Christian sect, except that they wear magical mystery undies. So I visited mormon.org, and clicked on the “Chat with a Missionary” button to have my questions answered. Here’s how it went after a full five minute wait for the missionary to appear on the chat screen:
John: Hello, my name is John. Did you have a question about the LDS Church that I can answer for you?
Hump: Hi John, yes just a few questions if you don’t mind. When you die do you get to chose what planet you become the god over, or is assigned? Is Pluto still viable even though it’s been downgraded to something other than a planet? Does the population of that planet currently exist or do they come from Utah after you arrive? Are they human, and if not, if they are aliens, do they look humanoid? And if they don’t look humanoid, why would they accept you as their god? And if you are their god, does that mean they reject Jesus, the Father, and the Holy Spirit as their deity, or just see you as a demi-god like one of the Hindu lesser gods? If the latter, will you have multiple arms, maybe a trunk, and have a bluish hue, or will you look like you do now... only with a halo?
John: Are you serious?
Hump: As serious as a heart attack.
John: I don’t really know about all those things.
Hump: Ok, well...give me someone who can give me the answers . This is really important because I’ve had an offer to join another cult and they guarantee I’ll command a planet of transformer like aliens to do my bidding when I die.
Hump: C’mon John, they aren’t going to stick you on a computer keyboard representing the LDS Church unprepared to answer some serious doctrinal questions, unsupervised, with only the most basic and boring info, and not prepare you for the “God of your own planet” queries.
John: Sorry, no, I mean, yes ... they did. May be I can have some one get in touch with you. If you give me your email...
Hump: OK John, email@example.com. And I’d like it to be a Mormon woman, preferably Julianne Hough, or Marie Osmond. I have some questions about institutionalized sexism and subservience.
John: What do you mean subservience?
Hump: Don’t worry John, they’ll know what I mean. Bye.
I can just see his Mormon Overseer looking at this transcript and dressing John down for being such a dork. Everyone knows that Mormon’s morph into Klingons when they become gods. After all, who’d respect a god that looks like a pimply faced kid in a cheap black suit, white shirt and skinny tie who believes hair will grow on his palms if he masturbates. Well, I mean, besides another Mormon. They seem to believe anything.