Thursday, July 14, 2011

A Mormon Missionary meets his first Atheist Camel

I get awful tired of seeing those facebook ads promoting one Christian sect or another. I always click on them because it costs them money every time someone does. I have already been banned from a few of the fb pages they link to.

Lately the “...and I’m a Mormon” ad campaign has caught my attention. It seems to come up often throughout the day, almost every time I get on facebook. The link takes you directly to (“jeff” being that ad’s Mormon profile), so I can’t exercise my right to post troll messages as I am want to do from time to time.

The ads are designed to put a human face on what many people think of as a cult. Oh, let me be more direct: what I think of as a 19th century charlatan’s inventive rework of Christianity in order to scam money from credulous jerks of the day.

These ads feature normal everyday folk, who do normal every day things; who served in the military; lost a leg in an accident; raised a bunch of foster kids; or coach soccer. You know, “Everyman.” Naturally they do not get into the nitty gritty of what makes Mormons the red headed step child of Christianity (as opposed to the JW’s who are seen more as the insane relative who is best kept locked in the attic).

No, no mention of the coincidence that the church leadership had a revelation from God to give up polygamy simultaneous with the Federal Government’s threat to deny Utah statehood until they did. No mention of the lost tribes of Israel that occupied North America, rode elephants, had chariots, iron weapons, armor, horses....thousands of years before the Spanish came to the new world, and for which no trace has ever been found in spite of investing massive amounts of money on archeological works to find proof.

No mention of the 1857 Mountain Meadows Massacre when Mormons, arguably at the direction of Brigham Young, dressed as Indians and slaughtered non-Mormon settlers passing through Utah. No mention of the “delightsome” white people versus the accursed Black folk whose blackness is the eternal punishment of the mark of Cain. No discussion of institutionalized racism until the 1970’s, blacks being denied the right to the priesthood.

No mention of the doctrine that if they tithe enough, do missionary work, rise through the ranks, and lead lives of complete obedience they will become a God of their own planet.

Nope, they want to separate themselves from these things and other really nutty Mormon stuff, and just be perceived as Jesus loving Christians like you and me...well, you know what I mean... like any other Christian sect, except that they wear magical mystery undies. So I visited, and clicked on the “Chat with a Missionary” button to have my questions answered. Here’s how it went after a full five minute wait for the missionary to appear on the chat screen:

John: Hello, my name is John. Did you have a question about the LDS Church that I can answer for you?

Hump: Hi John, yes just a few questions if you don’t mind. When you die do you get to chose what planet you become the god over, or is assigned? Is Pluto still viable even though it’s been downgraded to something other than a planet? Does the population of that planet currently exist or do they come from Utah after you arrive? Are they human, and if not, if they are aliens, do they look humanoid? And if they don’t look humanoid, why would they accept you as their god? And if you are their god, does that mean they reject Jesus, the Father, and the Holy Spirit as their deity, or just see you as a demi-god like one of the Hindu lesser gods? If the latter, will you have multiple arms, maybe a trunk, and have a bluish hue, or will you look like you do now... only with a halo?

John: Are you serious?

Hump: As serious as a heart attack.

John: I don’t really know about all those things.

Hump: Ok, well...give me someone who can give me the answers . This is really important because I’ve had an offer to join another cult and they guarantee I’ll command a planet of transformer like aliens to do my bidding when I die.

John: What do you mean “another cult”? We aren’t a cult. And I’m at home there is no one else here to speak to.

Hump: C’mon John, they aren’t going to stick you on a computer keyboard representing the LDS Church unprepared to answer some serious doctrinal questions, unsupervised, with only the most basic and boring info, and not prepare you for the “God of your own planet” queries.

John: Sorry, no, I mean, yes ... they did. May be I can have some one get in touch with you. If you give me your email...

Hump: OK John, And I’d like it to be a Mormon woman, preferably Julianne Hough, or Marie Osmond. I have some questions about institutionalized sexism and subservience.

John: What do you mean subservience?

Hump: Don’t worry John, they’ll know what I mean. Bye.

John: Bye.

I can just see his Mormon Overseer looking at this transcript and dressing John down for being such a dork. Everyone knows that Mormon’s morph into Klingons when they become gods. After all, who’d respect a god that looks like a pimply faced kid in a cheap black suit, white shirt and skinny tie who believes hair will grow on his palms if he masturbates. Well, I mean, besides another Mormon. They seem to believe anything.


NewEnglandBob said...

As one would expect, the average Mormon doesn't know their own dogma; just like Christian cults and other cults. The leaders know that the masses would leave in droves if they knew the sacred dogma.

Den!s said...

Wow, that's some kind of awesome sauce there Hump! Man, I hope they have someone get into a dialogue with you. It's enough to get a good camel drooling.

tiNstAg said...

Love it, as usual!
Surely the default planet choice would be Uranus?

Dromedary Hump said...

Bob: exactly. he doctrine is very obscure...caged in all kind of apologetivcs. but it's there.

Den!s / tiN...LOL... thanks!

griloco said...

There you go again, Hump, displaying a complete lack of understanding of Christians. Mormonism may have been a cult once but as soon as they started forgetting things they joined mainstream Christianity. Ya know, sorta like the Catholic Church forgetting about pre-1960's pedophiles. All you need to know is that you'll be in hell for eternity which is a very long time but what Mormons (and all Christians) did prior to last week is even longer ago than an eternity and therefore irrelevant.

Dromedary Hump said...

Mormonism IS a cult. So are they all, by definition. The only distinction between a religion and a cult is contingent on what side of the divide one is on. Obviously, any given religionist's practice is never a cult. It's always the OTHER guy's sect/denomination/interpretation.

But by any's all mental masturbation.

Dromedary Hump said...

BTW... Gril, there is something about your tone that I find inexplicably off putting.

Anonymous said...

Hey Hump,

Pretty funny. The only thing I would of done before talking to John would of been getting some good juicy Book Of Mormon verses to reference the insanity... IIRC, Holy Hands would be very helpful here.

- Fastthumbs

Bob said...

Sorry. It's meant to be irrational and ironic, not off-putting. My bad.

I enjoy your blogs and would have liked to have seen the dialogue between Hump and John on YouTube. The first paragraph is hilarious when read aloud rapidly.

Fifthgen said...

My second attempt here; I'm new to this blogging stuff, but here goes: I have lived most of my life amongst the Mormons & can say, emphatically, that they indoctrinate their kids from an early age & never let up. It's the biggest formal cult going in the USA since the Branch Davidians (the only difference between the two groups is about 167 years!). They are masters at having "revelations" when they want or need to expand their cosmology. Blacks couldn't attend BYU until they realized they needed better athletes to be competitive; same about carbonated beverages - until they owned considerable stock in Coke/Pepsi etc; or how about former LDS President Gordon B. Hinckley paying off a forger-er in the 1970s to cover up a document stating that founder Joseph smith had a conversation with a white salamander? Talk about occultism? But their indoctrination leads them to be good little soldiers - starting with Boy Scouts of Am all the way thru FBI/CIA and military....and now two presidential hopefuls. Now that IS scary!

Dromedary Hump said...

fifthgen...well said. I had forgotten about the white slamander. I'd bet John would have been befuddled by that little doctrinal detail as well.

One can only wonder how much of the doctrinal writings the mormon politicians are aware of. I have serious problems with people seeking to be the most powerful men on the planet believing all the joseph smith hocus pocus and make up history and the obvious manipulation of doctrine by Mormon leadership revelations.

Engineer of Knowledge said...

Hello Hump,
You have been a baaaaad boooooy!....and I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. :-)

Brainwashed and will grow up voting Religious Conservative Republican, if he isn't there already.

Keep up the good work my friend.

Fifthgen said...

I sent this email re: Mormon Missionaries to lots of friends and also trying to invite them to reading the Atheist Camel. This is a comment I received from my friend Cindy from when she was a Peace Corp volunteer many years ago: "When I was in Colombia there were a lot of young, white Mormon missionary boys combing the streets of small villages in pairs. The Colombians had a knick name for them: huevos. This is the spanish word for "eggs". They were called this because they were "white" and traveled in "pairs". Huevos is also slang for men's "balls" in spanish, and it was this later term that the Colombians used to refer to these nice young boys dressed in their white shirts, dark slacks and ties."

I also felt compelled to send another comment on this subject this weekend, because, here in Utah, this weekend is celebrated across the state as "Pioneer Day" which is actually tomorrow 7/24, but that is Sunday and these LDS folk take their Sundays seriously and spend most of the day in Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints doing whatever they do. Pioneer Day is celebrated because it was this date 7/24/1847 that Brigham Young proclaimed that "this is the place" as he sat astride his mighty steed looking down upon the Great Salt Lake Valley! Ooh, doesn't it just give you goosebumps to just think about how wondrous that day was? The beginning of a New World of Deseret and starting their own country; at least, that was the plan. Anyway, lots of parades, fireworks, etc (much bigger than 4th of July celebration) will be happening across Mormonland today; as for me, it's a day to be sure and wear shorts, my river sandals, a bright Hawaiian shirt and be as obvious as I can as I sit in my lawn chair drinking lots of Beer as they parade down my street. God love em - nobody else will!

Dromedary Hump said...

Fifthgen...heheh..thanks for sharing that.

I wonder, what do they do on Sept 11th, the anniversary of the 1857 Mountain meadow massacre? Do they re-enact the event, dressing as indians and killing non-mormons?

Fifthgen said...

Heh's some more insights as to the massacre at Mountain Meadows. I draw most of the following from what I believe to be the most up-to-date truly historical account of what led up to the massacre as well as the act,and then all the denial..right up to today. Highly recommended reading: Will Bagley's, 2002 book entitled "Blood of the Prophets: Brigham Young and the Massacre at Mountain Meadows", Univ. of Oklahoma Press, 493p. Available on Amazon or other book sources.

The actual massacre began at sunrise on Monday, September 7th, 1857 but the Fancher Party from Arkansas-Missouri provided more resistance than planned, so it took until Friday, September 11th, 1857 for the fake Paiute raiders to finish the deed led by John D. Lee, but most assuredly under the direct orders of Brigham Young who had spent the early part of the year stirring up his followers that the U.S, Government was sending troops out to Utah Territory to deal with his radical bunch of dissidents!

First,President James Buchanan decided to send 2,000 troops west on May 20th without notifying Young AND a territorial governor to replace Young - one Alfred Cumming, a Georgian, who was said to be a gentleman of education, ambition, and executive ability.

And secondly, one of the early Prophets, Parley Pratt, had been murdered in Arkansas on July 4th; so these Utah Mormons were easily worked into a frenzy (like stirring a bee hive with a stick).

Thus the name "Beehive State" always make me laugh (nervously), plus the date of 9/11 has been a date of infamy for a long time in America!

Also, Governor Cumming was noted to say that besides trying to keep the peace in the Utah Territory during this period he also found the Saints generally ignorant, fanatical, and superstitious!
Many of the prominent Utah names today can be traced back to SW Utah and the scene of the crime (i.e., Lee, Hatch, Leavitt, & Huntsman) among many more who have worked their way into our beloved US government!.

There's an old sign that still hangs above the old jail in the town I live that sums it all up; it says: "Dedicated to Justice, Obedience to Law Means Freedom"

No fascism here.....