Monday, November 28, 2011

Hump Reviews the NIV Bible on The author will be pissed.

Sorry, God, but your book only rated one star from me. Oh, I wasn’t rating your new fangled more readable and gender friendly New International Version format, no... that was fine with me. It was the story line and plot that got my goat, or donkey, or camel, or whatever.

Ya gotta give credit for approving this review, albeit, I get a sense that it isn’t going to be up for long when the religious nutters read it.

Here’s the link catch it while you can:

And if it’s still there, give my review a “Yes” for helpful, please.

Just in case it’s gone before you get there here’s the actual review as posted:

“As violent fantasies go, this book is a page turner!”
November 28, 2011
B. Centre (USA)
This review is from: Holy Bible (NIV) (Kindle Edition)

This book has it all. Cutting off women's hands for helping to fend off their husbands' attackers; directing the slaughtering of children with a bear attack and by mass murder; genocide galore; human sacrifice and the threat of it; and killing an innocent on behalf of others to placate himself. It doesn't take much to come to the conclusion that the author is one sick puppy with major issues, namely he is obviously a psychopath.

The author also claims to love all his children, but wow, he sure has a weird way of showing it. When my children disobey me, and I know they will, I almost never throw them out of the house into the street and place a curse on them and their children for all time. And I sure never nail gun them to the playroom wall, well, ok...just that once. But hey, I'm also sane.

In one chapter he demands fealty from everyone and makes it part of his major ten requirements, obviously an ego maniac. In the same list however he neglects to make pedophilia or slavery a crime. I'm guessing those things are ok by him. No wonder so many of his self appointed publicists are child molesters, and that it took 1800 years for slavery to finally be banned by reasoned folks... no thanks to the author.

But look, if you enjoy mass murder, incest, inexplicably hideous and laughable laws, talking snakes and donkeys, the destruction of pigs and fig trees, magic tricks, over one-hundred contradictions, the raving threats of co-author maniacs, the complete rejection of science, reason, reality and intellect and think you need this book to be moral ...then this obscenity is right down your alley.


geausch said...

LOL if I was a person that pissed themselves when I laughed hard I would be changing my boxers right now and not typing this comment. I clicked yes, very helpful!

NewEnglandBob said...

I gave your review a 'Yes" for helpful but in my comment I chastised you for holding back some of the gruesome plot ;)

Sue said...

Great review, Bart! But I have to say you held back a good bit. Yeah, I know, you could write a book yourself about all that is wrong with The Book, in any edition or translation. But there is so much more loathsome content there to comment on in your inimitable way. Some of the 5-star reviews are mildly amusing, BTW. "Needed light weight bibles for myself and my wife. These bibles are easy to carry and the red lettering is a real plus." "Buy it, enjoy it and if you can, Live it." Really....?

Anonymous said...

Put my 2 pennyworth in and a tick for you Bart.
G. Ash-porter says:
Isn't this the same book that is supposed to be the one that gives us those 10 commandments, (3 times differently?), where the author is more interested in his own vanity than real helpful laws? This book always confuses me as it appears to have been written by a committee? Has Mr God been cheating and plagaurising (sic)? The new committee for this updated version don't seem to have studied/read it much, as it still contains all the inconsistencies’ as the old version. Are we to take it that we can now safely ignore it as a history book? It can't even get the genealogy of the author’s son right across 2 of its chapters. Having said all this it is well worth a read as to how Bronze Age and later folks thought before the world had education and science. I do feel that it would have been better to have placed a 'content advisory warning' inside the cover as its contents are totally unsuitable for children or the gullible (who don't have the discernment to judge it by its contents rather than its cover), who exist in every age and need protecting from the sharp practices of those who take it seriously and take advantage of these vulnerable groups!

Anonymous said...

What pisses me off the most is this:

Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Nonfiction >

NONfiction??? NON??!! Pullleaze!

You may as well turn a science fiction book into a religion for fuck sakes! Oh...uh. Wait a minute. Never mind. Forgot.

MissBizzyLizzy said...

Your brutal honesty always gives me a giggle. I hope they don't remove your review, although your bound to receive some amusing hate mail. Promise to share the top 5, please. :-D

Gerard26 said...

Hump,I gave your review a yes for helpful I really enjoy your straight forward writing style.

Dromedary Hump said...

Hey all...thanks for the feedback and the "likes" and supportive comments on

Thanks to you guys and my facebook friends after just 12 hours or so there are now 203 "likes" out of 208 clicks. I guess those five theists are into murderous mayhem and don't like the truth of their book of delusion thrust in their faces.

I'd fix the three typos in the posting, but I'm concerned that if I do, and resubmit the review for approval, it won't find its way back on the site.

It was a fun exercise.

tiNstAg said...

Nice review, thanks you but the book is not really my type of read. Don't get me wrong, I read a lot of fantasy works of varying styles from Tolkein to Pratchett, as well as science fiction from Asimov to Iain M Banks, but one thing I do insist on is a consistent plot and a logical story pattern that does not contradict itself within a few pages.
Let's hope the powers at Amazon leave your review alone as you do seem to have struck a chord with "Ob servant" and it looks like there's a nice little dialog developing there which is more interesting that the actual book being reviewed. No doubt more will join the fray at some point.

Anonymous said...

Bahahaha! At the moment, 620 people out of 666 have found it helpful. ;)

Dromedary Hump said...

Heheh..yep..pretty remarkable. Hit over 700 so far :)