Thursday, July 19, 2012

Hump’s Annual Non-Religiously Oriented, Short List Rant of Secular Annoyances

Many of you have probably been asking yourselves “Isn’t it almost time for Hump’s Annual Non-Religiously Oriented, Short List Rant of Secular Annoyances?”  If you are among those astute readers, indeed you are correct. It is precisely that time. 

So here, in no particular order are a few of the things that have irked the hell out of me over the past year that have absolutely nothing to do with religion or the religiously afflicted as far as I can ascertain. If some appeared on a prior years’ list it is due to my poor memory and my perpetual disdain for the subject.

1. Magnum Ice cream bar commercial where an attractive actress leaves her car in a sweltering traffic jam, and trots across the hoods of her fellow stalled drivers’ cars to reach the ice cream truck parked a dozen vehicles back. And under the image is this disclaimer:  “DO NOT ATTEMPT.”   (see above)

I struggle to understand exactly the intent here.  Is it to imply that anyone stupid enough to buy their ice cream must be stupid enough to re-enact such a preposterous stunt?  Can they really believe a moron, or psychopath would appear in court with their equally moronic lawyer and use the defense: “But your honor...they didn’t say NOT to destroy the hoods and roofs of a dozen cars!!”  and also believe that without the disclaimer they’d be found liable, at least outside of Mississippi, Arkansas and Texas?  I know this is America, but even THAT would be stretching our nation’s infamous idiocy.  When will corporate America stop telling us they think we’re all idiots. WE KNOW ALREADY!

2. Donald Trump.  As though this needs a more detailed explanation - he has largely abandoned the business world, probably seeing the hand writing on the wall of his fading success there, and opted to become a full time TV clown, wanna be king maker, media whore and professional asshat. 

If his peculiarly excessive lip manipulations which always seems to be forming the word “ORIFICE” no matter what he is actually saying isn’t enough to want to see him impaled, then the constant Obama “birther” fixation, and his need for the GOP to throw him bones by pretending they take him and his endorsements seriously should be enough to make even an atheist invoke Psalm 109’s imprecatory prayer on his behalf.  It would be a cheap shot to even bother and mention that thing on his head, so I won’t. [it’s ferret cage sweepings]. 

3.  Alec Baldwin’s useless brother Steven has been the target of my wrath in the past for his failed acting career, and his addiction to drugs, alcohol, Xtian fundamentalism and gross stupidity.  But this year Alec himself takes the spotlight.

NO you self absorbed insipid twit... the airline doesn’t have to accommodate your fucking game boy on the runway; and NO you sophomoric man-boy, your video game enthrallment doesn’t take priority over the time and patience of a few hundred of your fellow passengers ...even those low lives in coach and business class who want to go home and see their families unencumbered by your tantrums. Elitist Jerk.

Hey Alec, you get paid a few million a year and thus are subject to public scrutiny. If the pressure of people taking your picture and earning bucks off of your inexplicable and undeserved success is too much to bear to the point where you need to punch them out or break their cameras... at least man up and stop lying about it. Coward.

Oh... and by the way, I don’t care how much of a Liberal you are, or that it was fourteen years ago -  calling for the death of a politician and the execution of their family because you don’t like their politics should have gotten you a few years bunking with “Ben Dover” in a federal prison. Maybe next time.  Maniac.   

4. Ann Curry is finally gone.  But I’m not above kicking her while she’s down.

It took too long.  If NBC had listened to me a year ago, it would have saved them millions in severance pay and their loss of first place in the ratings.  On the positive side, what she lacked in the ability to read a teleprompter Ann made up for in being devoid of talent, insipidly insincere, and permanently addled.  And yes, Matt hated her too.

5. Anthony Weiner, Aka “Tony the Weiner Wagger”, disgraced NY congressman who tweeted pic’s of his manhood to lucky female recipients, got exposed, lied about it; got caught and nailed.

Look, Anthony, once you are caught trolling with your pocket fisherman, don’t go announcing you’re going to make a run for mayor of NYC.  Even your Mom probably laughed at that.  Who are you going for the priest and porn vote?.  What’s that, maybe 15%, 18%  of the population of NYC?  C’mon.  You should be too embarrassed and ashamed to even appear on TV news shows.  You probably don’t realize the only reason you are given those gigs is because your appearance is tantamount to giving people a car wreck to watch.  They are disgusted, but just can’t turn away.

6. Dunkin Donuts.  News flash ... America DOES NOT RUN on your freaking coffee and donuts. America runs on fossil fuels, an underfunded and weak public education system, and a local, state and federal system of lies, graft and self serving obstructionism.

It is the height of undeserved arrogance to suggest that if every one of your hideous third rate coffee dispensing hovels burned to the ground that America would cease to “run.” McDonalds and Burger King maybe...Dunkin Donuts ... not!  Change that slogan and change it now, nobody buys it!

7. Michelle Bachmann, and anyone who even remotely thinks the woman has an IQ and deserves to hold public office. This woman barely qualifies to represent the lowest rung on the ladder of human evolution.

Bachmann’s latest foray into the world of lies, stupidity and misinformation casts aspersions at an aide to Hillary Clinton, implying she has connections to the Muslim Brotherhood.  Why?  Because she has a Muslim heritage and last name. Never mind she was born here, and has served with distinction for twenty some years in her country’s service, has clearance from every law enforcement agency in the government, and has never once been associated with a Muslim cause.  If unfounded accusations got  Joe McCarthy the spotlight and launched the nation into a few years of manufactured hysteria and witch hunts, maybe Bachmann can get it to work for her too. 

On the down side, the aide in question IS married to Anthony Weiner, so we do have to question her Muslim taste in Jewish perverts.  Bachmann would serve her country best by getting plastered to the grill of a bus traveling down Pennsylvania Avenue at 60 mph.        

Well ... I better stop there.  There are three or four other irksome people places or things that deserve my wrath, but I’m already teetering on the brink of a seizure just rehashing these.  Hell, you take it from here.  I’m going to smoke a Valium and swallow a camel. 


verukka said...

Bart, thank you for once again drilling it down- these irritations are so bothersome that I try to forget about them, but have a bad mood for hours after encountering one or more. Now I can laugh- Donald Trump is an asshat, that ridiculous ice cream ad (and isn't it also named after a prophylactic?), but especially that recycled dishwater in a cup vended poorly by DD. Ahh, my blood pressure is rising, time to go find me a sedative and play some Words with Friends as publicly as possible! Good show old man, good show.

Anonymous said...

Right on with the stupid ads. I'm always mystified by those companies who portray absolute idiots using their products in the hope that I'm also enough of an idiot to do likewise.

David Evans said...

Trump has recently destroyed a beautiful and unspoiled stretch of Scottish coastline, replacing it with a golf course. So far, so typical. What I can't get my head around is that he is now complaining that the view from his golf course will be spoiled by some wind turbines to be built offshore. He's even threatening to sue the Scottish government over them. Good luck with that.

Engineer of Knowledge said...

Hello Hump,
A very good list but if I had to pick one, my favorite would have to be Michelle Bachmann. Stupid, over fanatically religious, self-righteous condescending ready to dictate how all should live by her standards….but she can’t even run her own life.

I give the example of Minnesota's debt-plagued Republican Party being evicted for failing to pay rent for its headquarters since August of last year. Republican’s tout pro-business so long as it is not paying rent to those businesses.

Her willingness to whip up the nut jobs with any manufactured hysteria and witch hunt just speaks so much to her character.

Buy the way, is Sarah Palin still being diss by the Republican Party with no invite to the convention?

Dromedary Hump said...

Thanks all. I always enjoy writing this annual rant.

Obviously Bachmann goes beyond just annoying and stupid and goes to the top of the list based on her also being dangerous. The rest of the things are just irritants.

Yes, Palin has yet to get her invite. I guess they figure bringing back a bad memory won't help with Independent voters. But they'll likely cave eventually. No coincidence Bush isn't going. They probably asked him not to.