Instead, I’ve been musing about writing a book on how to start one’s own cult / religion. Something with a title along the lines of “The Thinking Person’s Guide to Starting a Religion” or maybe “Sheep to be Sheared: The Prospective Shepherd’s Handbook on Starting your Own Cult.”
In stead of the obligatory camel (or sheep) the cover would be graced with pictures of the world’s greatest religio-frauds and cult inventors: St. Paul (Christianity), Joseph Smith (Mormonism), L Ron of course, Mary Baker Eddy (Christian Science), and “Judge” J.F. Rutherford (Jehovah’s Witnesses, and he was never an actual judge). Probably best to avoid the not so successful dooms day cultists like Jim Jones (of Guiana massacre fame), David Koresh (Branch Davidians,
Chapters will include pointers on how to develop “fabulous” hats and outfits for your cult priesthood they’ll be proud to wear; recruiting the hierarchy and establishing pay scales; screening out prospective congregants with IQs over 100; finding the right graphic designer to develop your holy symbol; and lots of other meaty down to earth and heaven sent advice to get one’s cult up, running, avoiding running a foul of the law, devising doctrine and rituals, and picking the right financial organizations to handle the cash flow. .
But most unique will be a series of pop-up 3D cutouts shaped like wheels of fortune. One will have spaces for the prospective cult leader to fill in random nouns, like “spider,” “Fig Newton,” “sphincter muscle,” or “Lawn Fertilizer with Grub Control.”
Another will have room to write in proper names picked randomly from any literature written prior to the 20th century such as “Shelley,” “Moll,” “Ebenezer,” “Moby,” or “Chingachgook.” The third pop-up wheel is for places, the more off the beaten path or exotic the better: “Alpha Centauri,” “Plain of Jars,” “Easter Island, ”Machu Picchu,” or “Cleveland.”
All the soon to be cult leader has to do is spin those wheels and whatever comes up become the iconic person, place and thing upon which one’s divinely inspired gift to mankind is predicated..
The Mormons have their “Golden Tablets”, given to Joe Smith by the angel “
The Scientologists have their “thetans” and “Xenu” the ruler of the Galactic Confederation. But the self made modern day Pop-Pope Cultist who reads my book will never have to worry that his “sacred sphincter,” provided and blessed by “The Spirit Bearer Gulliver from Saturn’s moon Titan” is going to be ripped off or take a back seat to anyone’s religious idiocy.
I could go on describing other features and how tos like:
- How to write sacred text in code so only You and your most trusted priests and priestesses will be able to decipher them with the help of the Holy Slide Decoder (Hint: use Pig Latin, and a cheap slide rule from the Dollar Store.)
Hell, I’m inspired right now.