Saturday, July 7, 2012

Jealous of Joseph Smith, L Ron, or the Pope? Well pull that sacred thong from your butt crack because I’m poised to make you famous.

L Ron Hubbard may have been a lying charlatan, but when he said “Why write for a penny a word, when you can make millions with religion?” he was clearly no fool.  His Scientology cult makes millions. 

I was recently asked if I would be interested in coming up with a religion as a money making/tax avoidance scheme.  Unfortunately, having pulled one over on the media with my Eternal Earth-Bound Pets post rapture pet rescue spoof, I’m something less than endeared to them (ok, I’m a pariah to them) which would make getting publicity a tough sell.

Instead, I’ve been musing about writing a book on how to start one’s own cult / religion.  Something with a title along the lines of  “The Thinking Person’s Guide to Starting a Religion” or maybe “Sheep to be Sheared: The Prospective  Shepherd’s Handbook on Starting your Own Cult.”

In stead of the obligatory camel (or sheep) the cover would be graced with pictures of the world’s greatest religio-frauds and cult inventors:  St. Paul (Christianity), Joseph Smith (Mormonism), L Ron of course, Mary Baker Eddy (Christian Science), and “Judge” J.F. Rutherford (Jehovah’s Witnesses, and he was never an actual judge).  Probably best to avoid the not so successful dooms day cultists like Jim Jones (of Guiana massacre fame), David Koresh (Branch Davidians, Waco Texas death cult), or Marshall Applewhite (Heaven’s Gate suicide cult.)  Not exactly folks who evoke confidence in cult building success.

Chapters will include pointers on how to develop “fabulous” hats and outfits for your cult priesthood they’ll be proud to wear; recruiting the hierarchy and establishing pay scales; screening out prospective congregants with IQs over 100;  finding the right graphic designer to develop your holy symbol; and lots of other meaty down to earth and heaven sent advice to get one’s cult up, running, avoiding running a foul of the law, devising doctrine and rituals, and picking the right financial organizations to handle the cash flow.   .
But most unique will be a series of pop-up 3D cutouts shaped like wheels of fortune. One will have spaces for the prospective cult leader to fill in random nouns, like “spider,” “Fig Newton,”  “sphincter muscle,” or “Lawn Fertilizer with Grub Control.”

Another will have room to write in proper names picked randomly from any literature written prior to the 20th  century such as “Shelley,” “Moll,” “Ebenezer,” “Moby,” or    “Chingachgook.”    The third pop-up wheel is for places, the more off the beaten path or exotic the better: “Alpha Centauri,”  “Plain of Jars,” “Easter Island, ”Machu Picchu,”  or “Cleveland.”

All the soon to be cult leader has to do is spin those wheels and whatever comes up become the iconic person, place and thing upon which one’s divinely inspired gift to mankind is predicated..  

The Mormons have their “Golden Tablets”, given to Joe Smith by the angel “Moroni.” 
The Scientologists have their “thetans” and “Xenu” the ruler of the Galactic Confederation. But the self made modern day Pop-Pope Cultist who reads my book will never have to worry that his “sacred sphincter,” provided and blessed by “The Spirit Bearer Gulliver from Saturn’s moon Titan” is going to be ripped off or take a back seat to anyone’s religious idiocy.

I could go on describing other features and how tos like:

- How to write sacred text in code so only You and your most trusted priests and priestesses will be able to decipher them with the help of the Holy Slide Decoder (Hint: use Pig Latin, and a cheap slide rule from the Dollar Store.) 

- Conducting animal sacrifices for the squeamish that still fill your deity’s nostrils with delight.

- Hijacking followers from local Catholic churches that have been shut down

- Tasty sacraments that substitute as divine body parts (Hint-  pigs in a blanket are always a crowd pleaser), and those to avoid (Hint- prune juice is ill advised).

-  How to establish holy holidays for fun, profit, and sexual gratification.   

but I’d better stop here lest I give away the best parts.

As an added incentive the first one-thousand book purchasers will receive a holy relic in a sealed test tube suitable for any ark or encasement; removed from “the living corpse” of the man/woman/animal/plant -God of your making it will be guaranteed to awe and inspire your faithful followers. It may be just a Cheetos dipped in wood stain but the faithful are famously awed and inspired. 

Hell, I’m inspired right now. 


NewEnglandBob said...

Hump, I am surprised that you forgot the holy garment! Judaism has phylacteries, worn on the forehead and the arm and the Mormons have their magic underpants. You could do something like holy bras for men AND women or holy socks (one yellow and one purple, worn on holy days like every third Wednesday). Of course, there must be some kind of special hat. I was thinking something like the Toyo Western Straw hat ( ) Whadda ya think?

Dromedary Hump said...

Good thought , Bob.
I expect my clients will want to add their own special touches.

I've always thought a Sacred Ostrich Feather protruding from the ass is a lovely accessory for the properly attired religionist sheep. In fact, I hear some priests use the whole ostrich.

Jim Hudlow said... beats working for a living....sign me up and send me a Cheeto!

Gerard26 said...

Bart, let your imagination take flight...ass feathers in sagging pants that could be as big as miter hats.

LaurieB said...

Interesting how all these cult leaders are men and there's only one woman listed. I can't think of another one besides Mary Baker Eddy. Obviously the guys are motivated by the tons of money and the endless sexual variety (devote several chapters to that) but what was her motivation? The same?

LaurieB said...

Guys, At first I thought that the idea of bras was a bad one. Speaking for all women everywhere (with no authority to do so) we're sick of wearing those damn uncomfortable things. We won't join a cult if we have to do so. But then I thought about the success of the hair shirt and I saw the genius behind the idea!

One suggestion for men though, how about they have to wear some of those penis cones with tassels on the end. You know, those ones that the Amazonian tribal guys wear. They're hilarious and amusing. Men in bras....not so much.

Anonymous said...

Pure genius.

I like a combo of your two prospective titles:

“Sheep to be Sheared: The Thinking Person’s Guide to Starting a Religion”

Laci The Dog said...

So, you were the dog walker.

I've created the Church of Dog the MOther.

We're all sons of bitches!

Anonymous said...

Don't forget a chapter of how to dress up the holy dribble with "sciency" terms like quantum, energy, electrolytes, atoms, polyunsaturated, natural, super critical, etc.

- Fastthumbs

Valérie said...

The Church of Scientology was declared as a "charlatan cult" by a high court in France many many years ago, and was fined millions of euros in damage to the young people it extorted money from and even sequestred in some cases.

Kompani said...

That is one of the great ideas of our time, a must do project. Don't forget the pointy hat, most religions have a 'special' hat ensemble also a stick. Perhaps this is your calling.

longhorn believer said...

Are you going to have the book out by xmas? I think creating our own religion would be a fun game to play at our annual Saturnalia party. Center for Inquiry of Austin extends you a cordial invitation of course.

NMObserver said...

I really like the title suggested by gristloflife: "Sheep to be Sheared: The Thinking Person's Guide to Starting a Religion".

Over at The Aztec Gateway, the guy there is already working on your idea. You might want to check him out. (

Why did you only mention the Christians, the Mormons and the Scientologists? The Muslims are pretty nutty. Go figure, rolling out your praying mat five times a day anywhere you're at to kneel, bow and bend over and clap your ears is pretty comical really. I think you could get lots of inspiration from them.