Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Rapture Pet Rescue: When You’re Saved, Let the Godless Save Your Furry Friend

The consensus of theists is that animals have no souls. Thus they aren’t Christians. Most believers of the Rapture know that Fido and their other furry friends will be on their own, abandoned to a slow miserable death by starvation once the faithful beam up to Jesus. So the answer to the question posed in the photo above is: “No, Jethro! You’ll be living for an eternity with out good old Sparkey.”

A good internet friend emailed me a website from an enterprising atheist in Great Britain. He offers a post Rapture pet rescue service. For the sum of about 70 Pounds Sterling (roughly $115.00), an atheist Brit will come to the Raptured pet owner’s house and adopt the abandoned pet. It seems he's actually getting business. Here’s the link: http://www.postrapturepetcare.com/

When I read this two things clicked in my head: First … Stupid fundies! Second … GOLD MINE!!!

According to various polls, between 40% and 60% of Americans believe in Jesus’ return and the Rapture. I’ll estimate perhaps 50 million deluded Rapture freak families in the US. If only 10% of them own pets and care enough to have them saved from certain death after the Rapture …. possibly even becoming the main course for some immigrant from an Asian culture … at $115 a pet we are talking a sales potential of over $500 Million!

I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t mind having a piece of that action!

Who better than an atheist to care for the left behind pet? We darn sure aren’t beaming up to Candy Land. Our type are known animal lovers, representing a large portion of PETA membership. We are trust worthy as evidenced by a very low incidence of arrest or imprisonment of atheists per Federal Prison statistics.

So I’m toying with setting up this service for the North East and franchising it to other sections of the country. While New England wouldn’t be a top performing area, representatives in the Midwest and the South, the Bible Belt, would have more takers than they could shake a pooper scooper at.

Naturally, I’d want to review the references of potential franchisees to make sure that the applicant would be ready, willing and able to travel to pick up pets from their region immediately after the Rapture occurred. They’ll need to prove they have the space in their home to house these pets, etc. I’d screen people to be sure they are in fact non-believers so they won’t be sneaking out and joining the heaven bound set. And I sure as heck don’t want any Satanists. They, after all, will likely be too busy partying their heads off with Satan to fulfill their animal rescue contracts once the Christians depart.

Hey… don’t forget… December 21, 2012 is right around the corner, and that’s when the Mayan calendar runs out. Now, there’s a sure sign to any fundie that the End is near!

Mrs. Hump thinks this is down right unethical. I say it’s only unethical if I fail to honor my commitment to those Christians who contract with me. I fully intend to honor my post Rapture contract, since the very thought of a starving animal bothers the devil out of me (so to speak).

Cash up front; no refunds;owners of snakes, spiders, lizards need not apply. Owners of camels are entitled to a 50% discount. Hey…maybe a special rate for beloved house plants!!! THANK YA JEEEZUS!!!


Tracey said...

Ok, I'm in for the Southern US. My existing dog run will need to be expanded, or I'll probably just add a couple of new ones to be able to separate dogs who don't get along with each other. I'll probably need to add a room or two onto the house, too. Financing shouldn't be a problem if enough people sign up. No cats, though. Mr. Oreo does not like cats.
I don't know if this would be a good business venture here, though. Most folks here believe beloved pets do go to heaven. Never heard 'em say much about Fido and the rapture, though.

Dromedary Hump said...

Congratulations! You are now the exclusive representative of "Rapture Pet Care Ltd. USA" (or whatever we end up calling it) for Arkansas. You may as well take Mississippi, since religiosity and the intellectual capacity there is even lower than in Arkansas.

As soon as I get this up and running you'll have the rights. I'll figure out a profit sharing plan for all franchisees.

Now, here's a word of advise: don't make any major investments in pet accomodations just yet. Monkeys will be flying out of my ass wearing party hats and smoking joints before anything approaching the rapture happens.

But lets keep that between us. We wouldn't want to make that public ;)


Tracey said...

I already have major investments in pet accomodations. 5 dogs, one of whom is a momma's baby but doesn't get along with the other dogs. We also have two rabbits who took over Militant Atheist Son's room when he flew the nest.

Crazydad said...

Would yhis be a one time payment, or do we also offer annual renewable contracts?

Oreo, even if the animals DO go to heaven, they might not qualify for the rapturization. No loving dog owner wants to take that chance!

Dromedary Hump said...

I'm thinking that the $115 would cover the subscriber for 5 years.

Damn good deal!!

I'll put you down for the state of Maine, if you like. I'll have my hands full with VT, NH, Mass.and CT when the Rapture happens.


Dromedary Hump said...

OK, got your email..youve got Okla. and Kansas.

Hey, try again to post a comment, theres no reason it shouldn't let you.


Anonymous said...


This is better then the "woo" idea of telepsychics! It's genius on par with pet rocks and of course the pet rocks funeral services. Just need to spend some money on advertising and then reel in the "faithful". Swaggart, Robinson, Hinn, et. el. move over!

I'm now jealous of those who live in the Southern USA... much richer fishing grounds then WA state.

- Fastthumbs

Dromedary Hump said...


I'm putting you down as the tentative representative for Washington and Oregon.

There is no cost to you. My partner and I will figure out a profit sharing plan from total combined income from all regions.

Ka-Ching!! :)

Tracey said...

Quick question...when poochie goes to puppy heaven before his humans get raptured, do the humans get a refund? Is it like car insurance - if you haven't had a wreck by the time you die, you're just out that money?

Tracey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dromedary Hump said...

if their furry friend croaks before the rapture, they are shit out of luck.
I'm not traveling to masachusettes to view a dead cat to confirm their death.

Nah..they buy the policy..they take the risk of their pet's early demise. No refunds.
Naturally, all this would be spelled out in advance. May even email them a pdf certificate of coverage.


Anonymous said...

Now wait a second Hump. When this rapture happens, I suspect enterprising chosen mother fuckers would have time to shove their Irish Wolfhounds in their underpants.
All the devout lunatic christian babes I have known have those those 1970's skin-rag rain forest bushes anyway. Who in the hell would know?
I'm just bullshitting you, put me in on the ground floor for 50 grand.


Anonymous said...


We have just added your latest post "Rapture Pet Rescue: When You’re Saved, Let the Godless Save Your Furry Friend" to our Directory of Pets . You can check the inclusion of the post here . We are delighted to invite you to submit all your future posts to the directory and get a huge base of visitors to your website.

Warm Regards

Petgarden.info Team


Dromedary Hump said...


LOL !! DAMN MAN!! You almost made me soil my stall!!

Tell me what state you're in and if it's not alread assigned I'll give you a region.

The new site has been set up on godaddy by my partner in pet rescue. I'll be working on it over the next two weeks.

Thanks for the laugh!


Well, thanks for posting my blog on your pet site. I am honored. :)


Anonymous said...


A thought occured - There's no great need for capital investment in providing dog runs, kennels, etc since I'm sure there will be lots of empty property that would be suitable for Spot and Whiskers after the faithful depart to sign cum-by-luv around Jesus forever..

All us Godless (heathens and pagans) just need to know the address of the faithful and we can trasport their pet to one of many abandonned properties (if needed).

- Fastthumbs

Dromedary Hump said...

Yup...good point.

Naturally, most fundies live in "doublewides" in trailer parks,or lass desirable properties we'd need to find a successful christian Near you with property and accomodations. THAT may be a slightly more difficult task, unless you live near Pat Robertson, or Mike Hickabee.

My experience is the more religious the christian, the less prosperous they are... unless they are engaged in the shearing of the sheep as a full time venture.


Anonymous said...

Even being an atheist, hearing people say animals have no souls still gets to me. Don't know why. It's sad.

Dromedary Hump said...

well, universal, I understand. Being a dog lover my self.

but since the very concept of "soul" is a fiction it means nothing...but you know this.

Likely what your reacting to is the inference that animals have no personality, or emotion, or ability to feel empathy. We know they do... and anyone who says they don't doesn't love or understand animals, and the bond they establish with us.


Tracey said...

I understand where Universal Heretic is coming from. The loss of a pet makes me wish that there is some sort of a pleasant afterlife were I'll be with them again.
Oh, and as for Hucklebee's place - it's in North Little Rock, aka Not Little Rock. I'll pass.

No Guy in the Sky said...

Hump - I have a yellow lab who is smarter than your average Xtian. Please do not call me greedy. I have an economical car, so I can drive far, cheap! I would like Wisconsin, Illinois, Minnesota and Indiana. So I have a good base of major metropolitan areas.

I asked my agent about the business and he says "I can only get a policy if I exclude Pit Bulls, Rottweilers and German Shepards." Get bit is a no no after the rapture. So I am in! Sign me up :)

Dromedary Hump said...

No Guy,

Youve got it!!

The website has been purchased, and the home page has been designed.

"Balsam", my buddy in Minn. and I will be launching it within a week or two (I'm very busy with marketing my new book).

Once we are set to go we will be asking everyone on this thread to email us with a confirmation that they are atheist, dont have a criminal record, etc. No names will be needed, only confirmation of the zones/states they cover and a committment to fulfill the post rapture responsibilites as defined on the website.

Brad and I will figure out an equalized profit sharing plan for ALL of our regstered "pet rescuers".

Stay tuned for more info.

Meanwhile..BUY MY BOOK!!! :)


Anonymous said...


I suggest that any associate who joins up must send in a signed statement damning oneself by signing this statement: "I deny the Holy Spirit."

Why? Because, according to Mark 3:29 in the Holy Bible, "Whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; one is guilty of an eternal sin." Jesus won't forgive one for denying the existence of the Holy Spirit. Ever. This will guarantee the associate will NOT be taken off the Earth when the rapture occurs, thus ensuing that Fido or Whiskers will be cared for.

Oh by the way, "I deny the Holy Spirit." So sign me up for WA, OR, ID and MT.

- Fastthumbs

Dromedary Hump said...

Mark 3:29, brilliant idea, thanks!
That way we can reassure subscribers that tey aren't lying and prone to beaming up. nice.

I alreadhave you for oregon and Washington state. You sure you can handle Idaho and MT?? I don't want you to over extend yourself when the rapture comes.

OK... i'll add those on. that makes 19 states we cover.

I'll update the home page script to reflect that.


Dromedary Hump said...

ATTN: Tracey, Crazydad, Fastthumbs, Adam, UniversalHeretic, NoGuy in the Sky
(cc: Holey Hands and Brad via email)

Between marketing my book and setting up the Rapture Pet rescue site I've been pretty busy.

But the site is starting to look good. I'm going to want all of you to view it.

I also want each of you to agree to certain terms related to your post rapture rescue activities. I will be committing that each representative is an avowed atheist, loves animals, will fulfill their obligation after the rapture, and has blasphemed against the Holy Spirit...at least once.

In order to get your confirmation, and let you see the site under construction I will provide you with my and brad's unique email associated only with that site:


Please email me at that address, CCing brad, and I will individiually email you back with:
1) the list of things you'll need to agree to/ confirm to verify your qualifications,
2) your assigned region as an independent contractor,
3) a link to the site, and
4) how I foresee sharing any income after site establishment expenses.
5) your responsibility to report earnings (if any) as taxable income.

I will not share your email with anyone but Brad, my business partner.

I may not get back to you right away...but I'll need your emails once I get all the concepts lined up. So please email me ASAP.

REMEMBER, you have zero obligation or responsibility unless and until the Rapture happens. But, If you think its going to happen, and/or if you think youre gonna be raptured...dont even bother to email me at the above addy. Infact, don't even bother to wake up tomorrow :)


Egoich Himself said...

I love this idea. I couldn't help noticing you don't have anyone for Nevada and the surroundings. May I?

Egoich Himself

Dromedary Hump said...

we arent accepting any new reps right his minute. But if you send in your back ground info to:

we will hold it for future use.

Besure to blaspheme against the "holy spirit' in your email per Mark 3:29. and confirm your atheism, and clean record (no arrests or convictions). It will save time later should we take you on board.

here is the actualpet resccue site:


J. Heather said...

Brilliant ID. I didn't see anyone for Texas region, I plan on moving into some huge vacated ranch if the rapture happens, so I'll have plenty of room for pets and large animals :P

Angel said...

Good grief, this is as bad as paying for indulgences.

If my cats don't follow me to heaven I'm giving God a kick in his cloudy privates. Smarmy bastard shouldn't have let me love them as much as I do unless He had a plan for them. It's His fault.

Lizard Care said...

Rapture Pet Care, eh. Sounds pretty cool. Anything for those lizards, man :)