Rapture Pet Rescue: When You’re Saved, Let the Godless Save Your Furry Friend

The consensus of theists is that animals have no souls. Thus they aren’t Christians. Most believers of the Rapture know that Fido and their other furry friends will be on their own, abandoned to a slow miserable death by starvation once the faithful beam up to Jesus. So the answer to the question posed in the photo above is: “No, Jethro! You’ll be living for an eternity with out good old Sparkey.”

A good internet friend emailed me a website from an enterprising atheist in Great Britain. He offers a post Rapture pet rescue service. For the sum of about 70 Pounds Sterling (roughly $115.00), an atheist Brit will come to the Raptured pet owner’s house and adopt the abandoned pet. It seems he's actually getting business. Here’s the link: http://www.postrapturepetcare.com/

When I read this two things clicked in my head: First … Stupid fundies! Second … GOLD MINE!!!

According to various polls, between 40% and 60% of Americans believe in Jesus’ return and the Rapture. I’ll estimate perhaps 50 million deluded Rapture freak families in the US. If only 10% of them own pets and care enough to have them saved from certain death after the Rapture …. possibly even becoming the main course for some immigrant from an Asian culture … at $115 a pet we are talking a sales potential of over $500 Million!

I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t mind having a piece of that action!

Who better than an atheist to care for the left behind pet? We darn sure aren’t beaming up to Candy Land. Our type are known animal lovers, representing a large portion of PETA membership. We are trust worthy as evidenced by a very low incidence of arrest or imprisonment of atheists per Federal Prison statistics.

So I’m toying with setting up this service for the North East and franchising it to other sections of the country. While New England wouldn’t be a top performing area, representatives in the Midwest and the South, the Bible Belt, would have more takers than they could shake a pooper scooper at.

Naturally, I’d want to review the references of potential franchisees to make sure that the applicant would be ready, willing and able to travel to pick up pets from their region immediately after the Rapture occurred. They’ll need to prove they have the space in their home to house these pets, etc. I’d screen people to be sure they are in fact non-believers so they won’t be sneaking out and joining the heaven bound set. And I sure as heck don’t want any Satanists. They, after all, will likely be too busy partying their heads off with Satan to fulfill their animal rescue contracts once the Christians depart.

Hey… don’t forget… December 21, 2012 is right around the corner, and that’s when the Mayan calendar runs out. Now, there’s a sure sign to any fundie that the End is near!

Mrs. Hump thinks this is down right unethical. I say it’s only unethical if I fail to honor my commitment to those Christians who contract with me. I fully intend to honor my post Rapture contract, since the very thought of a starving animal bothers the devil out of me (so to speak).

Cash up front; no refunds;owners of snakes, spiders, lizards need not apply. Owners of camels are entitled to a 50% discount. Hey…maybe a special rate for beloved house plants!!! THANK YA JEEEZUS!!!