Thursday, April 1, 2010

Body of Christ Found - Pope Cancels Easter!!


The Body of Christ Found- Pope Cancels Easter
Associated Press
Jerusalem April 1, 2010 -
In what is being called the greatest archeological find in history, archeologists sifting through what was thought to be an ancient trash dump have unearthed the grave and recovered the remains of Jesus Christ.

Dr. Eli Ben-Yehuda, head of Archeological Studies at the University of Tel Aviv has confirmed that the remains have been positively identified. “The inscription, the method of death, the burial accoutrements and a scroll confirming the identity and date of death leave no room for doubt.” Dr. Ben-Yehuda said.

Discovered late in February, the corpse and accompanying relics have been intensively studied by scientists and reviewed by senior clergy of the major Christian denominations. The confirmation of authenticity is unanimous.

“It appears everything we thought to be true is a lie.” lamented Ireland’s Archbishop Phillip O’Shea, “I’ve already notified his Holiness of my resignation. I’ve wasted almost 50 years of my life believing in a myth, I won’t waste one more minute. I need to find a real job” said the clearly emotional sixty-five year old O’Shea.

Pope Benedict has issued a papal bull cancelling the celebration of Easter, the holy day that most of the world’s 2 billion Christians previously celebrated as the believed day of Jesus’ resurrection from the dead. The pontiff’s closest advisor, Monsignor Benito Calducci, told reporters that the pope is deep in prayer, albeit he wasn’t sure to whom he was praying, adding defiantly “… and frankly I don’t care. I need to find a real job.”

In the United States evangelical televangelist Pat Robertson is in seclusion. A close confident of Reverend Robertson speaking under condition of anonymity said. “Pat is unsure what path he will take; the rug has been pulled out from under him, from under all of us. He is financially set, but I’m going to finally have to get a real job.”

The human remains are remarkably well preserved owing to the dry climate and air tight ossuary. The corpse shows that Jesus had only two lower teeth and a severe overbite. He was bald and seems to have suffered from syphilis and cirrhosis of the liver. It has yet to be determined if he had club-foot, or if the deformity is a result of injuries incurred during crucifixion. Based on the unusual dimensions of the ossuary, Jesus appears to have been less than 4’ 2” tall, but was rather obese perhaps weighing as much as 250 lbs just before death. He appears to have been a hermaphrodite; the minute circumcised penis was still intact.

In a related story, the Shroud of Turin has been sold to the Gucci fashion house where it will be cut up and used in their exclusive spring line of April Fools hand bags.

See pictures of Jesus’ corpse at http://www.dontyouwishitweretrue.com/

18 comments:

Enrico S said...

Oh my! This is going to be an entertaining thread!

Anonymous said...

In related news, the FSM was consumed by pirates. Pastafarians everywhere rejoiced...

- Fastthumbs

John_poson26 said...

ROFLMAO

Excellent post!!! I just fucking
love it!!!

John

NewEnglandBob said...

Benito Calducci - I did a Google search on the name to see if that was the old Saturday Night Live character, but that was Father Guido Sarducci.

There was confusion 2000 years ago, They should have looked one cave over.

This is starting to be one fine April Fool's day.

One Fly said...

It's all very clear now. Plus the little troll was getting laid by something. Yikes!

Luther said...

There is something very fishy about this story. It is clearly out of character for them not to quickly determine a flaky explanation:

-Certainly the devil could have done it.
-Or in the U.S. Obama

Motorhead said...

LMAO! During a brief interview with the Easter bunny, he was reported to have said, "I win! I must inform my pals Sasquatch and Dracula!"
Classic!

Rachelle said...

LOLOL!!!

I love April 1st. LOL!

davmab11 said...

THE DEATH OF ATH*ISM - SCIENTIFIC PROOF OF GOD


http://engforum.pravda.ru/showthread.php?t=280780




Einstein puts the final nail in the coffin of atheism...


*************************************

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7vpw4AH8QQ

*************************************



atheists deny their own life element...




LIGHT OR DEATH, ATHEISTS?

********************************
***************************LIGHT*********
************************************

___________


add comment moderation to your blasphemy blog, you fool...

Texas Mike said...

I figured Danger Mouse (DM) would have to chime in on this one!

The pope should be overjoyed! After all, now he does not have to PRETEND to eat the body of christ. (but he still has to get a real job.)

Great post, Hump. You made my day.

Beyond Belief said...

I needed a good laugh!

Thanks for the post, Hump.

Dromedary Hump said...

Heheh... hey everyone, glad you liked it. Looks like 100% approval rating.

The old "No Easter this year...they found the body." never gets old :)

sjoen said...

Great post! I read it out loud to my family and had them ROFL!

davmab11 said...

you little liars do nothing but antagonize...

and you try to eliminate all the dreams and hopes of humanity...


but you LOST...



THE DEATH OF ATH*ISM - SCIENTIFIC PROOF OF GOD


http://engforum.pravda.ru/showthread.php?t=280780




Einstein puts the final nail in the coffin of atheism...


*************************************

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7vpw4AH8QQ

*************************************



atheists deny their own life element...




LIGHT OR DEATH, ATHEISTS?

********************************
***************************LIGHT*********
************************************

Shelly said...

Freaking hilarious!

universalheretic said...

Looks like Dave Mabus is off his meds again. Dennis, you need to follow your doctor's advice!

Dromedary Hump said...

guys, please don't feed the troll.
his psychosis is fed by recognition. thks.

Shelley said...

Love this!!

Thanks for visiting my Facebook page! =)

People for the Ethical Treatment of Atheists