Jerusalem April 1, 2010 - In what is being called the greatest archeological find in history, archeologists sifting through what was thought to be an ancient trash dump have unearthed the grave and recovered the remains of Jesus Christ.
Dr. Eli Ben-Yehuda, head of Archeological Studies at the University of Tel Aviv has confirmed that the remains have been positively identified. “The inscription, the method of death, the burial accoutrements and a scroll confirming the identity and date of death leave no room for doubt.” Dr. Ben-Yehuda said.
Discovered late in February, the corpse and accompanying relics have been intensively studied by scientists and reviewed by senior clergy of the major Christian denominations. The confirmation of authenticity is unanimous.
“It appears everything we thought to be true is a lie.” lamented Ireland’s Archbishop Phillip O’Shea, “I’ve already notified his Holiness of my resignation. I’ve wasted almost 50 years of my life believing in a myth, I won’t waste one more minute. I need to find a real job” said the clearly emotional sixty-five year old O’Shea.
Pope Benedict has issued a papal bull cancelling the celebration of Easter, the holy day that most of the world’s 2 billion Christians previously celebrated as the believed day of Jesus’ resurrection from the dead. The pontiff’s closest advisor, Monsignor Benito Calducci, told reporters that the pope is deep in prayer, albeit he wasn’t sure to whom he was praying, adding defiantly “… and frankly I don’t care. I need to find a real job.”
In the United States evangelical televangelist Pat Robertson is in seclusion. A close confident of Reverend Robertson speaking under condition of anonymity said. “Pat is unsure what path he will take; the rug has been pulled out from under him, from under all of us. He is financially set, but I’m going to finally have to get a real job.”
The human remains are remarkably well preserved owing to the dry climate and air tight ossuary. The corpse shows that Jesus had only two lower teeth and a severe overbite. He was bald and seems to have suffered from syphilis and cirrhosis of the liver. It has yet to be determined if he had club-foot, or if the deformity is a result of injuries incurred during crucifixion. Based on the unusual dimensions of the ossuary, Jesus appears to have been less than 4’ 2” tall, but was rather obese perhaps weighing as much as 250 lbs just before death. He appears to have been a hermaphrodite; the minute circumcised penis was still intact.
In a related story, the Shroud of Turin has been sold to the Gucci fashion house where it will be cut up and used in their exclusive spring line of April Fools hand bags.