Monday, June 7, 2010

Praise Jesus...Hump's in line for $3 million, Lord willing.

“Dear Beloved. Greetings in the name of God. May the blessings of God be upon you and grant you the wisdom to understand this situation and how much I need your help."

The above is the opening greeting from a typical email I receive two or three times a month to a couple of my email accounts. Invariably it purports to be from an old Christian widow woman who is dying from cancer and for reasons known only to her and Jesus she selected me to oversee the charitable distribution of her $10 million dollar estate for which I will be rewarded 1/3rd of it for my trouble. Although her residence varies currently she claims residency in Saudi and based on how long I’ve been getting these, she has been in the throes of death for some two or three years now.

The letter is long and crammed full of references to Jesus, heaven, finding her reward, blessings, and is signed “Yours in a Loving Christ” or some such nonsense. It seems all she needs is my full name, address, and phone number to get things going. Occasionally I reply to these emails wishing the poor “woman” a lingering and hideous death, and promising her that Satan and I will be happy to double team her when she reaches her reward in Hell ... I being the one with the hump and the enormous member. Much to my disappointment I never get a reply.

What’s fascinating about this is the assumption that by invoking Jesus and tossing out endless Christian platitudes that the target will be swayed to participate in this blatantly transparent scam. The scammers obviously see Christians as particularly vapid and open to being ripped off by anyone sharing their delusional beliefs. They are well aware that Christians have abandoned all common sense, opting to believe the most ridiculous things on faith. Plus, they are scammed every Sunday when they drop their money into the old collection plate at church. And since America is a hot bed of fundamentalist stupidity, they also assume that every one of the thousands upon thousands of Americans they email is a believer ripe for the picking. After all, not once have I received an offer from an dying rich woman addressed to “Dear Reasoned and Rational Freethinker.”

I’m guessing they meet with some success with this strategy, since the letters haven’t changed much in two years. If so, Dog bless ‘em.

22 comments:

Huffy said...

I think you are right HUmp, with respect to christians being gullible targets, if their religion is used.

When I was first married, my wife's father and step-mother were sending large amounts of money to Jim Bakker. Monthly donations they had pledged. When Bakker was found out to be a con man...they switched to another ministry...Jimmy Swaggert.

The sad part is, they never had any money...their own grand daughter was dying in the hospital and they always said they did not ahve the money to travel to see her before she passed. During our biggest time of need in dealing with our daughters terminal illness (which was financially as well as emotionally devastating), my wife asked them for a little help (and by a little...$40 to keep our gas on) and she was met with callous refusals. And yet, the money poured out to their con-men run ministries.

Kind of showed my wife where she and her baby stood with them.

But yes...gullible people. Ready to spend spend spend if they think it is buying them a spot in heaven.

Angel said...

I read some statistics on email scams a while back. What was it? A THIRD of those who actually read the emails DO respond favorably?! Absurd!

I think I've told you this before, Hump, but when I worked in banking the most obnoxious people I ever had to deal with were self professed Christians. At times I wanted to tell them to "please, keep it in your pants. Or your shirt. Or wherever it is you keep your 'Christianity' because it's not helping you with FINANCIAL matters!"

If they had a verbal password for acct access information of: Christ, Christ is Risen, Jehovah, Lord, Our Lord, Heaven, Manna, Jesus, and any other Biblical book names- they usually oozed charm like a cobra. Before it struck. Me. Like a brick wall. Saying no to them getting back their twenty overdraft fees for stupid spending made them turn into a spitting frenzy and ask for my supervisor. Oh well. My sup always backed us up and simply reiterated my decision. I don't think I've ever heard as many curses falling out of a person's mouth as when I've listened in on those conversations! lol Christian, my ass. Yeah, Christ is risen. You by 20 overdraft fees!

I don't know how many times I've had customers ask me if I was a Christian and did I know Jesus? Oh good grief. Hump, you know I am Gnostic which is a quirky anti-literal interpretation variation of modern Christianity. But even I wont enter into a conversation with idiots like that. I always said I was, though, and asked them to move on past the proselytizing. My religion shouldn't matter to where our conversation is inevitably going to wind up. Jesus can't save their account. And I refuse to. There are too many variations of "truth" people believe and when it comes to your financial matters I don't think religion should even be discussed.

From what I understand there is no such thing as a parochial bank.

Wait. There is the Vatican....

NewEnglandBob said...

I only get 1 or 2 of those stupid emails per month. I guess they figure I'm not a good target.

I would suggest never responding to those things because sometimes they are just Phishing for valid email addresses, not caring if you fall for their nonsense, and your response lets them know your email address is alive.

Dromedary Hump said...

Huffy,
from bakker to swaggart..out of the frying pan and into the frier, eh?
Looks like religion came before family with your inlaws...but then, isn't that what Jesus promised, turning father against son, mother against daughter?
They were just being Christian.

Angel,
I can't imagine that 1/3rd of the xtians respond to those...but I bet its enough to keep those nigerian scammers in the black.

Kudos to you for not killing one of those pious asswipes!

NEBob,
Yeah... I know, good point. But I figured since I'm getting them as frequently as I do to both my atheist camel and eternal earthbound emails, a little fun was worth the exposure. ;)

Tracey said...

Maybe it's a southern thing, but around here all you have to do is drop a Jeebus or two, a few prayze the lards and an amem here and there, and people really think you're on the up and up.

DM said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
NewEnglandBob said...

DM, the Dead Man is back! How was jail this weekend, Dennis?

Dromedary Hump said...

Tracey, do that around here and people will look at you funny and check their wallets.

DM said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Joyce said...

I get these scam letters all of the time. I recognize them before even opening them and mark them as a "phishing scam" without even opening them.

Most of the time.

I recognized a phishing scam in two recent emails that I received and they had something like "Kind Christian Lady requests your help" or something similar. In disgust and curiosity, I gave both of them a read.

I was just as disgusted with using God as their method of scamming the same way that I am disgusted with using terminal illnesses, sick children, and any other abominable reasons for attempting to scam gullible and good-hearted (and often desperate) people by tugging at their heart-strings.

It's ugly no matter who or what reason they use to try to gain trust, search for sympathy, or offer hope.

It makes me sick regardless of who the targeted audience is or whatever approach they use. Disgusting.

Joyce said...

Sheesh. I just came back here eight hours later (and still haven't slept) and reread my comment.

Anyone get the idea that I was/am "disgusted"? I think I typed it about 600 times in 5 paragraphs. LOL.

Jude said...

Gullible? Easy to con? Yup. speaking as a former christian, I can tell you that described me to a "T"!

Regarding the favourable response rate of these scams: it's so cheap to send out masses of these emails, that even if they get one response in 2 million, that's an incredible return on investment. Sad, but true.

DM said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Like trolls, one should never respond to spammers. As someone mentioned, it's costs very little to setup a spamfarm and if they get one fool to part with their money out of a million spams, then the scam paid.

What's sad is that as of last year, it was estimated that 90% of ALL internet traffic is now spam... (http://news.cnet.com/8301-1009_3-10249172-83.html).

I know this sounds bad, but I really think we need to implement a postage fee system so that any email, comment, blog etc. (like .1 cents) on each email, comment, blog (so that it will costs millions of $$$ for spammers to spam instead of just about nothing).

If something is not done soon, it won't be long before the internet becomes about 100% spam and useless for the rest of us...

- Fastthumbs

Rachelle said...

LOL!

As pointed out by Huffy, religious figures have been scamming believers for ages (televangelists: "Send your money to me and ye shall be healed.")...I guess someone just wanted to get in on a very good racket. LOL!

Tracey said...

DM - Delusional Motherfucker

devil said...

Its hard to feel bad for these idiots that fall prey to this type of thing. The stupid people keep spawning more brainwashed morons and the cycle just keeps being perpetuated.

Believers, pick your faith, have been scammed for thousands of years. Even the ancient greek priests used to scam the poor helpless believer sheep. The temple priests would contract with the great inventor Heron to build elaborate contraptions to convince the local sheep of the deity's power.

DM said...

Let me show you the FATE OF TRAITORS...


http://www.loiterink.com/photos/products/182_3424_500x500.jpg

they are incapable of telling the difference between SCIENTIFIC *FACT* AND RELIGIOUS AND PHILOSOPHICAL *TRUTH*... FATAL ERROR!

they also preach a *VALUE FREE SCIENCE* called *POSITIVISM* that ignores the inequalities of wealth and power in capitalist civilization...



for a sample taste of PZ Myers' GARBAGE...

http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2010/06/sunday_sacrilege_imagine_no_he.php


HIJACKING IN PROGRESS!!!

http://hawaiiwebgroup.com/maui-design/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/website-hijacking.jpg


HIJACKING IN PROGRESS!!!

how can these HEADLESS IDIOTS BET AGAINST GOD!!!
________________________________________


what happens when you LOSE Pascal's Wager...


http://www.peterkreeft.com/topics/pascals-wager.htm

_____________


you FIGHT PAPER MONSTERS...

the blood and bodies of the atheist movement...


you mofos killed MICKEY MOUSE!!!!


this has more TRUTH then what Dawkins, Randi, Harris, Myers, and Shermer
combined have said in their entire lives...


http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=5R2wE8Sduhs&playnext_from=TL&videos=hht1U_19anc&feature=rec-LGOUT-exp_fresh%2Bdiv-1r-3-HM



they tried to BULLDOZE the entire METAPHYSICAL DIMENSION...

they LOST THE WAR......

you have FORFEIT YOUR SOUL, shermer... you have become an object in the
material world, as you WISHED...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUB4j0n2UDU

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/7/11792994_ffaaee87fa.jpg

we're gonna smash that TV...

They had become ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE AND OF GOD...
you pushed too much and *CROSSED THE LINE*

degenerates (PZ) or children (HEMANT) - ATHEISTS!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRRg2tWGDSY

do you have anything to say, you STUPID LITTLE F*CKER?

how about I tell you, Mr. Shermer, EVERYTHING YOU THINK ABOUT THE WORLD is

*WRONG*

THE BOOBQUAKE - 911!

http://dissidentphilosophy.lifediscussion.net/philosophy-f1/the-boobquake-911-t1310.htm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sx7XNb3Q9Ek

RUN, ATHEISTS, RUN!!!

-------------------


the 9th and FINAL RING of Dante's Inferno is designed for little blaspheming traitors like you

DM said...

but at least FREE AIR CONDITIONING is included!

DM said...

-------------------

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-information.html

Dromedary Hump said...

Well...Here's today's email. Slightly different than the others, but just as heart wrenching. and it was addressed to "undisclosed recipients" LOL :)

MY Dear In The Lord
I am Mrs.Rita David an ageing widow suffering from long time illness. i am currently admitted in a privet hospital, I have some funds I inherited from my late loving husband Mr. Paul David, the sum of (US$3.500.000) Three Million, Five Hundred thousand United States Dollars which he deposited in BANK Here and I need a very honest and God fearing Christian that can use this funds for God's work.and 15% out of the total funds will be for your compasation for doing this work of God.
I found your email address from the internet and decid to contact you.
Please if you would be able to use these funds for the Lord's work kindly reply me.
Your Sister In The Lord.
Mrs. Rita David.
Dav

DM said...

my interpretation of the STATUE FIRE... it symbolizes the SPIRITUAL DEATH of atheism...



http://www.latimes.com/news/custom/topofthetimes/national/la-naw-0616-jesus-statue-lightning-20100616,0,4295974.story

http://www.latimes.com/media/photo/2010-06/54332292.jpg


http://friendlyatheist.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/butterjesus-1.jpg



PRINCESS DI IS WEARING A NEW DRESS!


http://www.princeofwales.gov.uk/speechesandarticles/a_speech_by_hrh_the_prince_of_wales_titled_islam_and_the_env_252516346.html

______________________________

http://skepticblog.org/2010/04/06/would-i-ever-pray-for-a-miracle/

Shermer, I WANT TO SEE YOU BEG FOR A MIRACLE...
___________________


we do like your music Lady Gaga, but...


The B**BQUAKE - 911


Let me show you the FATE OF TRAITORS...


http://www.loiterink.com/photos/products/182_3424_500x500.jpg

they are incapable of telling the difference between SCIENTIFIC *FACT* AND RELIGIOUS AND PHILOSOPHICAL *TRUTH*... FATAL ERROR!

they also preach a *VALUE FREE SCIENCE* called *POSITIVISM* that ignores the inequalities of wealth and power in capitalist civilization...



for a sample taste of PZ Myers' GARBAGE...

http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2010/06/sunday_sacrilege_imagine_no_he.php


HIJACKING IN PROGRESS!!!

http://hawaiiwebgroup.com/maui-design/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/website-hijacking.jpg


HIJACKING IN PROGRESS!!!

how can these HEADLESS IDIOTS BET AGAINST GOD!!!
________________________________________


what happens when you LOSE Pascal's Wager...


http://www.peterkreeft.com/topics/pascals-wager.htm

_____________


you FIGHT PAPER MONSTERS...

the blood and bodies of the atheist movement...


you mofos killed MICKEY MOUSE!!!!


this has more TRUTH then what Dawkins, Randi, Harris, Myers, and Shermer
combined have said in their entire lives...


http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=5R2wE8Sduhs&playnext_from=TL&videos=hht1U_19anc&feature=rec-LGOUT-exp_fresh%2Bdiv-1r-3-HM



they tried to BULLDOZE the entire METAPHYSICAL DIMENSION...

they LOST THE WAR......

you have FORFEIT YOUR SOUL, shermer... you have become an object in the
material world, as you WISHED...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUB4j0n2UDU

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/7/11792994_ffaaee87fa.jpg

we're gonna smash that TV...

They had become ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE AND OF GOD...
you pushed too much and *CROSSED THE LINE*

degenerates (PZ) or children (HEMANT) - ATHEISTS!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRRg2tWGDSY

do you have anything to say, you STUPID LITTLE F*CKER?

how about I tell you, Mr. Shermer, EVERYTHING YOU THINK ABOUT THE WORLD is

*WRONG*

THE BOOBQUAKE - 911!

http://dissidentphilosophy.lifediscussion.net/philosophy-f1/the-boobquake-911-t1310.htm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sx7XNb3Q9Ek

RUN, ATHEISTS, RUN!!!

-------------------

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-information.html

the 9th and FINAL RING of Dante's Inferno is designed for little blaspheming traitors like you...

"This is the deepest level of hell, where the fallen angel Satan himself resides. His wings flap eternally, producing chilling cold winds that freeze the thick ice found in Cocytus..."


but at least FREE AIR CONDITIONING is included!