Monday, June 21, 2010

Hump’s dog explains her “trip to the other side”


That's my Staffordshire terrier Ella when she was a puppy. She's now 14 year old. On medication for congestive heart failure she also has various other infirmities, discomforts and peculiarities associated with being 98 years old in human years not the least of which is occasional incontinence, a lack of discrimination as to where she poops, and a tendency to bark at trees, chairs, and nothing in particular.

From time to time she also tends to arbitrarily feign death, or at least to pull the old Redd Foxx
“I’m coming Elizabeth” dramatic dying routine sending us into a tizzy. This morning Ella bought the farm … again, or so she says.

I called the vet when her legs collapsed from under her. Panting rapidly her tongue started to turn blue. We agreed he’d come and help her die comfortably at home as soon as his office hours finished at noon.

Ella lay quietly on the big pillow on our covered porch while my wife stroked her head and I rubbed her belly, dripping water into her mouth from a syringe. Ella’s eyes were closed; her breath became more shallow and even. It didn’t look like she’d make it until noon. We quietly waited for death to come.

Forty five minutes later she was eating a bowl of chopped meat, lapping up water, and taking in the smells, sights and sounds of rural New Hampshire from her porch perch. Ambling down the steps she casually emptied her bowels on my perfectly manicured lawn. She was back to normal.

“WTF, Ella!!?” I demanded “I figured you for dead.”
“You sound disappointed.” She passively retorted.
“NO, of course not. But you came THIS close to your final vet’s visit.” I said holding my fingers a Milk Bone’s width apart.
“You know I hate that son of a bitch he always smells like he’s had is arm up a cows ass. And what happened to our ‘do not resuscitate’ agreement?”
“Uh , yeah… but he wasn’t coming to resuscitate you.”

She was nonplused by this. She’s been around long enough to know that I wouldn’t rush her demise any more than I would delay it if her quality of life took a major downward turn.

Ella yawned and let out a series of barks for no reason in particular. “You needn’t have bothered, I was ostensibly dead.” she casually offered.
“No you weren’t. You were just, I dunno, having one of your old dog moments. And if you died how is it you’re not dead now?”

She pondered this for a moment, head cocked to the side. “It wasn’t my time I guess, but the experience was as vivid as that dump on the lawn. My whole life rushed before my eyes, from puppyhood right till this morning. Next thing I know I was in a big open sun lit field. Hey, remember the cocker spaniel you had before me? Well, she was there. She asked how you were doing. I told her about your weight gain. And there were lots of other dogs running around sniffing each others butts, chasing balls, chewing on steak bones. Then some nice old guy came out with chopped meat and fresh water and we all chowed down while the cool morning breeze blew across our ears and some babe stroked my head.” She closed her eyes, and smiled a satisfied dog smile.

“Wait a damn second!” I protested “What are you saying - that there’s an afterlife, a doggie heaven? That my rejection of ancient myth and the supernatural is wrong? That my acceptance of natural law and reality was a mistake? That everything I have come to accept as reasoned and logical is now completely null and void?” Ella could tell I was becoming agitated.

“Hey, Big Guy … don't get your flea collar in a knot! Did you hear me say anything about heaven or an afterlife? You’re a semi-educated human; haven’t you heard about the effect of oxygen deprivation, endorphins, various other brain chemicals and how they cause vivid memories and hallucinations in near death situations?”
I was embarrassed. Of course I understood these things. They have been studied and understood by the medical profession for years. I chalked up my emotional over reaction to the stressful events of the morning.
“Besides,” she added “after 14 years I thought you knew me better. What do you take me for a brain damaged cat, or worse, a damn theist?”

18 comments:

NewEnglandBob said...

Brilliant. I am speechless.

Dromedary Hump said...

Bob, that's so nice, thanks!!
and it's all true, er..or mostly ;)

NewEnglandBob said...

I sympathize with the weight gain over decades :)

Dromedary Hump said...

Oh, man... it sucks!! I used to beable to lose my winter weight in a couple of months. Those days seem to be gone forever.

Rastifan said...

Well this certainly made my day, or night as it where.

Excellent writing Hump:)

Enrico S said...

Ella's is DOG! The DOG delusion! Loved it. Touching story! The soft side of the Hump!

Ella's current state of affairs is identical to a drooling friend we lost about 5 years ago. Only our DOG could not talk like Ella!

DM said...

this isn't one of your little WORD GAMES...

blasphemy is a DEATH SENTENCE





you people actually BELIEVE the BS you preach!

GOD 1 - atheists 0


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQcNiD0Z3MU


Atheists,

you are ENEMIES OF GOD AND ARE GOING TO BE ANNIHILATED...

Repent and turn to God or be destroyed...

YOU HAVE NO CHOICE...

my interpretation of the STATUE FIRE... it symbolizes the SPIRITUAL DEATH of atheism...



http://www.latimes.com/news/custom/topofthetimes/national/la-naw-0616-jesus-statue-lightning-20100616,0,4295974.story


http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2010/6/16/1276680110544/The-King-of-Kings-statue--005.jpg



http://www.latimes.com/media/photo/2010-06/54332292.jpg


http://friendlyatheist.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/butterjesus-1.jpg



PRINCESS DI IS WEARING A NEW DRESS!


http://www.princeofwales.gov.uk/speechesandarticles/a_speech_by_hrh_the_prince_of_wales_titled_islam_and_the_env_252516346.html

______________________________

http://skepticblog.org/2010/04/06/would-i-ever-pray-for-a-miracle/

Shermer, I WANT TO SEE YOU BEG FOR A MIRACLE...
___________________


we do like your music Lady Gaga, but...


The B**BQUAKE - 911


Let me show you the FATE OF TRAITORS...


http://www.loiterink.com/photos/products/182_3424_500x500.jpg

they are incapable of telling the difference between SCIENTIFIC *FACT* AND RELIGIOUS AND PHILOSOPHICAL *TRUTH*... FATAL ERROR!

they also preach a *VALUE FREE SCIENCE* called *POSITIVISM* that ignores the inequalities of wealth and power in capitalist civilization...



for a sample taste of PZ Myers' GARBAGE...

http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2010/06/sunday_sacrilege_imagine_no_he.php


HIJACKING IN PROGRESS!!!

http://hawaiiwebgroup.com/maui-design/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/website-hijacking.jpg


HIJACKING IN PROGRESS!!!

how can these HEADLESS IDIOTS BET AGAINST GOD!!!
________________________________________


what happens when you LOSE Pascal's Wager...


http://www.peterkreeft.com/topics/pascals-wager.htm

_____________


you FIGHT PAPER MONSTERS...

the blood and bodies of the atheist movement...


you mofos killed MICKEY MOUSE!!!!


this has more TRUTH then what Dawkins, Randi, Harris, Myers, and Shermer
combined have said in their entire lives...


http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=5R2wE8Sduhs&playnext_from=TL&videos=hht1U_19anc&feature=rec-LGOUT-exp_fresh%2Bdiv-1r-3-HM



they tried to BULLDOZE the entire METAPHYSICAL DIMENSION...

they LOST THE WAR......

you have FORFEIT YOUR SOUL, shermer... you have become an object in the
material world, as you WISHED...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUB4j0n2UDU

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/7/11792994_ffaaee87fa.jpg

we're gonna smash that TV...

They had become ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE AND OF GOD...
you pushed too much and *CROSSED THE LINE*

degenerates (PZ) or children (HEMANT) - ATHEISTS!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRRg2tWGDSY

do you have anything to say, you STUPID LITTLE F*CKER?

how about I tell you, Mr. Shermer, EVERYTHING YOU THINK ABOUT THE WORLD is

*WRONG*

THE BOOBQUAKE - 911!

http://dissidentphilosophy.lifediscussion.net/philosophy-f1/the-boobquake-911-t1310.htm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sx7XNb3Q9Ek

RUN, ATHEISTS, RUN!!!

-------------------

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-information.html

the 9th and FINAL RING of Dante's Inferno is designed for little blaspheming traitors like you...

"This is the deepest level of hell, where the fallen angel Satan himself resides. His wings flap eternally, producing chilling cold winds that freeze the thick ice found in Cocytus..."


but at least FREE AIR CONDITIONING is included!

Lisa said...

Ella should be featured on this website called The Twilight Bone. There's even a dog astrology section, go figger.
http://www.psychics.co.uk/psychicpets/

Dromedary Hump said...

Thanks Rasti, and Enrico.. and sorry about your pup.

Lisa..Ha! I may have to submit Ellas story...or let her do it herself ;)

Rachelle said...

Don't do that to me again, Hump. LOL!...I'm PMSing and I love animals...Doesn't take much from there to have me in tears. LOL!

Wonderful. :)

Dromedary Hump said...

LOL! Sorry Rachelle.
Ella says she hopes you're feeling better... and Dog Bless.

Jude said...

Best! post! ever!!!111oneone

Angel said...

I read this post to my husband and he said, "man, that's just wrong!" Then again, he's a literalist theist. *sigh* I have my work cut out for me.

Anyway, I thought it was funny!

Glad Ella is back to terrorizing your perfect lawn.

Dromedary Hump said...

Jude, Angel..thanks.

Tracey said...

Give Ella a hug and a smooch on the snout for me.

Dromedary Hump said...

Tracey,
Done and done :)

Beyond Belief said...

Excellent post. One of your best.

Dromedary Hump said...

Thank you, Beyond.