Friday, March 30, 2012

Trickle Down Miracle from Jesus the God of Canine Urinary Tracts


Facebook friend Susie asks: “Hey Hump. My friend's dog is very sick and all these people are "praying" for his recovery. He's started to pee again so my friend is saying God has been bombarded with prayer and that's why he's getting better. This makes me want to scream, especially since MY dog just died. I want to write a slightly snarky post on my wall, not enough to make my friend mad, but enough to let her and other mutual friends know that my dog was as deserving of life as her dog ... Don't really know what to say, but thought I'd vent a little and ask your opinion. Any ideas?”

Susie, sorry about your dog. I know how hard the loss of a friend is. Here’s a suggested response [revised and extended]. I'm afraid I don’t do “slightly” snarky. If you decide to use my letter, all or in part, be prepared to lose some friends.

"Dear Christian friend.

I’m so happy your dog has started to pee again. This miraculous occurrence must be quite a relief, no pun intended. It may not be up there with walking on water, raising dead folks, feeding the multitude with some loaves and a few fish, or finding homes for the millions of soon to be euthanized homeless pets, but it's a good thing.

It’s truly wondrous that with thousands of children dying of AIDS, draught and hunger in third world nations, people being slaughtered in the streets in Syria, child soldiers being made to kill their own relatives, and oppressive mistreatment of women at the hands of religious extremists here and abroad, that God opted to give his undivided attention to resolving Fido’s urinary problems.

Unfortunately my dog was not so lucky, and he passed away yesterday. I guess your God requires a prayer quorum to insure he is fully advised of, and is motivated to act on, a critically ill creature's needs. Evidently size does matter when it comes to prayer quantity in spite of his omniscience.

I imagine your veterinarian's involvement, the hundreds of dollars you paid him for his medical expertise, and the medication he prescribed, all the product of medical science and years of research, were back up just in case God decided to spare an African child from contracting a fatal case of the Ebola virus instead of saving Fido. Lucky for you he went with your dog.

Maybe if you all got together and prayed for my dog's resurrection you can convince God to do a miracle that modern science can't; maybe just a few hours out of your and your Christian friends' prayer time? And while you're already praying if you can include an appeal to stop the murders, rape and amputations in Sudan, that would be nice too ... I mean, if you think it would help.
He may not deem it as serious as a bad case of parvovirus in a German Shepherd, but hey, nothing ventured nothing gained.
Thanks. "

15 comments:

tiNstAg said...

Fantastic! Made me chuckle at the end of a crappy week! Thanks Hump :-)

sd555 said...

Perfect!

flyz4free said...

If you don't feel you can condemn christians and all religious people for believing in superstitions, often dangerous superstitions, then one should at least be able to be totally PISSED at them for have NO sense of proportion...NO sense of perspective regarding the world we all live in together. That which religious people would petition god to correct for them personally in the face of all the really evil problems other individuals and civilizations suffer is so selfish and blind. You make the point so well Hump....I just may use this letter one day and not just for the demise of a pet.

Pogonip said...

This is inspired. Not by an imaginary friend in the sky, though. If I had a dog, I'd copy it and keep it.

Laci The Dog said...

You sure they weren't praying to Dog?

Bill Weber said...

If I want my dog to get better, god will ignore my want. But, if my want is a pray then god is more likely to hear it? And, if I hold my hands in a certain position and hold my body in a position then god is even more likely to listen? And, it god still doesn’t listen, then if I get a large group of people to do the same thing and we go into a special building then god is more likely to listen? And if my dog dies either we didn’t ask in the correct manner, my dog’s death was part of a larger plan, or god was calling my dog because he needed to reward him in heaven or punish him in hell? Is that how cause and effect works? I am going to stop taking my dog to the vet.

Chatpilot said...

The Christian response would probably be that since they are God's chosen they are blessed. As a result of being blessed their prayers no matter how stupid they may be will be answered. For the rest of us heathens we just get what we deserve! We as a whole are cursed for all eternity since we refuse to bow down to the mythical figment of the minds and imaginations of a bunch of deluded individuals.

Jerry Callender said...

Hi Hump -
Great retort -
On the subject of prayer, during the recent tornadoes that have decimated large sections of the mid-west, one gal interviewed on the news reported that the tornado came up so quickly that they didn't have time to pray - they just ran for the cellar.
Also, our local water-walker, Pat Robertson made the pronouncement that if the folks in town had taken time from running for their lives and instead had fallen to their knees to pray, god would have spared their homes, businesses and lives.
This just after he declared pot should be decriminalized.

Nan in MD said...

Oooo, that was good! It reminds me of a "religious" co-worker who once told me that "I got all green lights on the way to work today and wasn't late. God was with me.", and I thought, "Gosh, too bad he wasn't with the folks who are being murdered all over the world, but I guess he was too busy giving you green lights." As the years went by, and terrible things happened in the world, I would say to my hubby, if he didn't say it to me first, "Guess god was too busy helping Charlotte get to work on time." People are nuts.

Nan in MD said...

By the way, off the topic, but a very smart friend of mine says we need to convince the evangelicals to stay home and pray hard on election day rather than go to the polls.

LuWeeks said...

Lucky nobody is praying for those cattle, chickens, and pigs that will be killed to feed the dog.

Trikepilot said...

Hump-"I don't do slightly snarky." No truer words have been said to describe you.

Thanks for the laugh.

Jerry Callender said...

Hi Hump -
By now, most people know there was a jet crash in Virginia Beach - I was about 2 miles from the site when I saw the plume of smoke rise to the heavens.
There were no more than treatable injuries and the term "miracle" was bandied about.
Yesterday, our illustrious mayor, Will Sessoms, proclaimed the reason there were no fatalities was god's intervention.
As my free-thinking brother said, "If that were true, why didn't Baby Jesus keep the plane from starting? Or let it reach the ocean(a mere mile away) so that no one would loose their homes and all of their possessons?"
We are, after all, in the shadow of the multi-gagillion dollar Xtian Broadcasting Company, owned by Pat Robertson, and home to Robertson's Regent University, and Sessoms will certainly need to rely on the left's votes to re-elect him.

Dromedary Hump said...

The Baby jesus doesn't have a pilot's license.

What irks me more than religionist asshats spouting "miracle" at the drop of a hat, is the media picking up on it and using it as though dubbing things as a "miracle" is newsworthy, and genuine reporting.

christian said...

Fantastic..nice blogschristian friends