The first few years after retiring, my old firm asked me to do consulting work in my specialty of direct to consumer operations until they had a comfort level with my successor. Mostly I conferenced with company execs, and other consultants, offering my input and recommendations on fulfillment services for our national retail catalogs and internet websites.
I was paid handsomely for my time ... triple digits per hour including travel time and phone time; plus all expenses paid. Great gig if you can get it.
Today I am offering a piece of consulting advice to the religiously afflicted - pro bono, gratis, complimentary, absolutely free. If you’re a business person, an author of a secular themed book, an ebay merchant, a contestant on a talent show, or any endeavor where religion has zero to do with what you are selling, then this info may well increase your potential, boost your earnings, or save your job. Pay close attention...I’m only going to type this once.
This morning I was watching the Today show with Mrs. Hump. A pair of Kennedys came on touting their new book. Dressed in black, the gold cross on one of them stood out so big it looked like a gold tablespoon sized coke spoon with wings. Yeah....we get it, you’re Catholic. What, that dead guy hanging around your neck has an aversion to nestling quietly and discretely in your cleavage? (Strangely, their devoutness and blatant flaunting of their religion never seems to be enough to keep Kennedys from crashing airplanes, skis, and cars with disastrous results for themselves and innocent people around them.) Her talisman was so distracting, I don’t have the vaguest idea what the book was about.
Finally, I went shopping for a new wristwatch today. The young woman behind the showcase took out a tray of Swiss Army watches. As she placed them on the counter I noticed a tattoo on her wrist. It was about the size of four postage stamps - a full color rendering of a tortured looking face wearing a rather uncomfortable looking thorny crown dripping blood. The guy’s upturned eyes seemed to be screaming “For ME sake, get me off this idiot’s wrist!” On her other wrist was a weeping woman in black with a cross behind her. No corpse.
“Huh? Oh! Yeah! I’ve had them for about two years. Do you like them?” she lifted her full color corpse tattoo closer to my face.
“Frankly, no. In fact, as long as you’re asking I find them a little off putting.” I flatly replied as I inspected one of the watches. She was silent after that. There was one watch I liked, but not in love with. I may have been convinced but I just wasn’t motivated at this point. I ended up in another jewelers buying from a lovely woman; no corpses hanging from her neck or a visible tattoos of a mythical man-god emblazoned forever in living (or dead) color on her wrist. $175, less 25%, good deal.
Which brings me back to the title of this essay: Attention religionists! I don’t care what fable you embrace or god you worship. I don’t have any interest in how devout you are, or how holy your bodily adornments make you feel. If you aren’t working in the
So, tuck in your execution devise jewelry, and cover your bleeding corpse tattoo because these days, north of the Mason Dixon Line at least, you’ve a better chance of alienating prospective customers or clients than you do sealing a deal because of the display.
Here, let’s try this, because I sense your Christian-centric mindset is causing a blockage: if I worked in a shop and wore a sign around my neck or displayed a tattoo on my forehead that said “Jesus is a myth, kill it once and for all” you may feel a tad put upon and not want to do business with me either. In fact, it may even prompt you to complain to management, demand I cover up the imposition, or threaten never to patronize that business again.