Thursday, March 14, 2013
And now for the other election news of the week…
Chances are you’d be expecting a comment on the new Pope. Nope. Had enough of that idiocy to last another 5-8 years before the new old fool dies off.
Instead, I am proud (?) to report that I had an exclusive interview with another newly elected leader who also has millions (or thousands) of devoted followers, but the news of which was over shadowed by the Pope’s election. I’m speaking of the newly appointed head of the North American Man Boy Love Association (NAMBLA).
While his real name is a secret, as the senior most official of NAMBLA he has taken on the symbolic name of “Father Jerry.” The interview was conducted via Skype from an undisclosed location.
Hump: First let me say that while I am disgusted with you, your organization, and everything you stand for, I am nevertheless appreciative for this exclusive interview.
Father Jerry: Hey, look… we’re just doin what comes naturally for men who avoid sex with consenting adults.
Hump: So you don’t see this at all as a great evil, seducing and raping young boys?
Father Jerry: Oh my Lord, not at all. Fact is we see this as normal as the day is long. After all, the Lord gave us free will, and our boys are free to participate or not.
Hump: You keep referencing “the Lord”, I assume you mean God/Jesus. Are you saying you are religious and following God’s will?
FJ: Well of course, my son. Why do you think I have the title of “Father.” We’ve learned from the best. Using a fatherly figure to attract and manipulate our vict…I mean… our loving boy partners, has been a tried and true technique for centuries in many parts of the world.
Hump: I’m not your son; and I’m old enough to be your older & saner sibling.
FJ: Sorry, force of habit. Get it? Habit? HABIT? Like what I’m wearing now.
Hump: Yeah, I get it. So what’s with the brown robe, rope belt and Prada loafers?
FJ: Oh, well… it gives a more dignified appearance, you know, sort of exalted. It builds trust while at the same time implying our connection to a higher authority. Hey, we learn from the best. Don’t reinvent the wheel. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it, I always say.
Hump: So you’re saying you have assumed a religious attire to emulate clergymen. You’re not only child molesters, and perverts…you’re phonies, charlatans and liars.
FJ: Whoa… that’s a little harsh. After all, many of our members ARE men of God; ministers, pastors, youth pastors, priests, rabbis, imams, Princes of the Church even. So those of us who are not ordained do feel a particularly strong connection to the calling if only by virtue of our close association with the ministry and our shared interests. We dress the part to win their trust to better anoint our children with our special blessings. It’s all good, no law against dressing the part. And given the clergy’s record, it’s not like we’re besmirching their name, right?
Hump: Yeah, I suppose you aren’t doing the clergy any great injustice. So, moving on … you were elected by the members of NAMBLA yesterday. How does that work, and how do you feel about it having been overshadowed by the Pope’s election?
FJ: The head of the organization serves for life, or until he resigns or is arrested. Our last leader was up for promotional consideration at his work, and just got the job, so he had to resign. We’re happy for Jorge. As far as being over shadowed, well, we kinda work in the shadows if you get my drift.
So, we called a meeting of all of the senior members… 117 of them to be exact. We lock them in the basement of one of our wealthier member’s parish house; supply them with paper and pencil, Viagra, and three dozen young boys who were attracted by our vast collection of Legos and video games.
In between the usual activities votes are cast to determine who has shown the highest degree of humility, passion, devotion to the Truth of our credo, and credibility that they will never change a darn thing about who or what we do and to whom. If we can’t get a 2/3rds majority on the first vote, we burn one of the boy’s underwear in the furnace. This goes on until we have the necessary majority vote. On the third vote it was me.
Then I don the special robe of Chief Molester and conference in our membership on Skype. It’s a big deal. Lots of waving and cheers, and even some tears of those who wish they had been here to at least witness the pre-vote festivities. And there ya have it.
Hump: Sounds sick, and strangely familiar.
FJ: Right on both counts. Now, if there will be no other questions, I am giving my blessing to a local children’s shelter around the block, and I don’t want to be late. Their knees may get sore waiting.
Hump: They’re praying?
FJ: Not exactly.
Hump: You’re a disgusting disgrace to humanity.
FJ: Grace, disgrace…what’s the difference? If you got a problem, go talk to your chaplain, he'll set you straight . I gotta go, I took a Viagra three and a half hour ago and only have thirty-minutes left before I have to seek medical attention.