Friday, March 8, 2013
Secret Pre-Papal Conclave Q&A Form: You may qualify for Pope!
Yes, that’s right. I have been able to get my camel toes on the actual form the Cardinals have been filling out over the past few days as a precursor to the beginning of the Conclave to elect the new pope. I have reprinted it below along with the scoring matrix.
Each cardinal had to submit this form prior to entry into the conclave. It identifies the unique qualifications that every candidate for the position of pope should have.
Keeping in mind that any baptized catholic could qualify for the papal office, if any of my readers are lapsed Catholics, you may want to fill it in and fax it to the Vatican immediately for consideration. Good luck:
PAPAL QUALIFICATION QUESTIONAIRE FOR POSITION OF HOLY SEE
1. Are you now, or have you ever been a member of the Nazi Party, or Nazi Youth, worked in a German concentration camp, or hated Jews.
2. Have you ever molested a child prior to or during your priesthood or any time since your ordination?
3. As a priest, monsignor , Bishop, or Cardinal, have you ever been privy to child molestations/improper sexual conduct by a fellow Catholic clergy and failed to report it to the authorities, and instead covered it up, or reassigned said person to another Archdiocese?
4. Would it be fair to say your view of women is misogynistic, that is, that they should be subject to the rule of men, especially men of the cloth; and that equality of the sexes is an affront to God and God’s messenger St. Paul?
5. Do you agree that homosexuality is an abomination unto God, that it must be opposed by the Church, and condemned from the pulpit?
6. Have you yourself had sexual relations with a fellow male member of the Catholic Clergy?
7. Do you agree that condoms spread the disease they call AIDS, and that their use should be condemned by the Church, doubly so in 3rd world nations where the Church membership is growing exponentially?
8. In a situation where allowing a malformed fetus to be born, which will live for less than an hour and whose birth would most certainly result in the death of the mother who already has two other young children, would you deny that woman the abortion that would save her life?
9. Do you agree that in the United States politicking from the pulpit is not only your duty, but your God given right, irrespective of the fact it is a violation of the IRS’ tax exemption for the Church?
10. If faced with a financial impropriety in the Vatican Bank, would you refuse any regulatory body the right to access records and audit it for misuse of funds, or money laundering?
11. Do you agree that exorcism is as important now as it was in the Middle Ages, because demons are real and infect people with their evil; and reject the possibility that there are psychological or physiological causes for said “possessions” that should be referred to medical professionals?
12. If it were politically beneficial to the Church to canonize an otherwise evil, hideous, and grotesque person, and support their beatification and sainthood, would you do it without second thought?
13. Would you excommunicate a nun who supports giving an abortion to the mother in question 8 above, and/or who supports more latitude for nun’s in the role of the church, and/or who accept homosexuality as normal and God’s will?
14. Do you agree that it would never be appropriate to ever excommunicate a clergy child molester, clergy cover-up conspirator, or a Nazi Party war criminal?
15. Are you from a predominantly white, non-Hispanic country/culture?
By my signature I swear before the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit that my answers are true and in accordance with my deeply held beliefs.
Scoring: 5 points for each YES answer / 0 points for each NO answer
0 – 20 points: You’re probably not even Catholic…go home.
25- 50 points: You’ve got much to learn, Father.
55- 70 points: Maybe next time, you have potential.
75 points: YOUR HOLINESS!!!