Thursday, October 8, 2015

An Open Letter to the Devoutly Religious and Oh So Put-Upon Christians

Dear Evangelical, Born Again, Dominionist, snake handling, tongue talking, gun wielding, gay hating, misogynistic,  xenophobic, bible deficient, cherry picking Christians of all sects and denominations:

Hola!!  Hope you are well.  I’m doing fine in spite of your penchant for praying Psalm 109 imprecatory prayer every day in the hopes of bringing about the deaths of atheists, scientists, liberals, gays, the President, Muslims, pagans, and freethinkers everywhere.

Listen, I'm just dropping you this note to let you know you have my support.  I fully endorse your kids praying in school.  They can pray in their seats silently, so as not to disturb others.  They can pray in the bathroom while relieving themselves or while sneaking a smoke. They can pray on the playground, or during test taking, and in the lunch room, and on the bus to and from school, just so long as it is silent and doesn’t disrupt the class and/or school sponsored activities, isn’t proselytizing/forcing it on others, and isn’t being lead or endorsed by a teacher or any person hired by the school system. 

I’m quite sure your man-god can hear the silent prayers of your children…what with his being omniscient and telepathic and all.  Besides, Jesus said one should pray silently, and out of the public eye so as not to be a flaming hypocrite about ones devoutness (Matthew 6: 5-6).  But you knew that, right? Right.

I also wanted to say I support your anti-gay perspective.  Yep, the bible said homosexuals are an abomination and should be killed.  I don’t know how far you’re willing to go with that - considering you have zero interest in observing the other 612 laws of the Torah / Old Testament - but I encourage you to forego the murder of gays and simply hate them. Yes, that’s right, I fully endorse your right to hate gays, to not marry a gay person, or go to their weddings, or give them presents, or partake in their traditionally “fabulous” wedding receptions. You don’t have to invite them over for parties or prayer meetings, nor to your child’s ritualistic dunking or lamb’s blood washing. 

It’s totally okay to despise gays, including that 10% who, statistically,  are your sons and daughters even if you don’t know it yet.  It’s all good just so long as in conducting commerce with the public you treat gay people like you do straight people; and in conducting government business while in the employ of the government, you similarly make no distinctions. No doubt your God will understand, give you a pass, (he did say “render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s” after all) and will simply condemn homos to hell and eternal torture in due time. It’s all good.

Next…I fully understand your “Right to Life” position, although it is a tad peculiar how your compassion and respect for the sanctity of human life doesn’t extend to death row inmates you so eagerly want to see hanged, gassed, shot or injected with a fatal cocktail…never mind the calls by some of your most devout to shoot, burn, lynch and otherwise murder our president.

Nevertheless, I support your right to not have an abortion, not conduct an abortion, not to pay for an abortion, not to watch abortions being conducted.  But your rights, your religious convictions, are sacrosanct right up to where they begin to impede and truncate the rights of women who do not hold your view and who are exercising their right to an abortion as determined by the Supreme Court over forty years ago in Roe v. Wade, 1973.  That is where your right of religious conviction stops and no longer holds sway over anyone’s reproductive systems … other than your own and your minor children.  

Finally, and this one is really important to remember: you can say Merry Christmas all you like. You can call them Christmas trees, Christmas decorations, Christmas presents, and Christmas vacations until you shit an Elf on the Shelf.  But the fact is, Christians do not own the month of December. It belongs to everyone including those who observe other religious holidays that fall during that time period, or who only observe New Years, or who observe no holidays at all who don’t feel like saying Merry Christmas, or opt not to  celebrate it like you do.  If people saying “Happy Holidays” offends you then shove some tinsel in your ear and buck up… this fallacious  persecution complex and make believe war on Christmas that you,
Bill “The Tide Goes In” O’Reilly,  and your 76% Xtian majority sob about annually is bullshit and doesn’t fool anyone.    Really want to be a martyr for Christianity?  Then visit the Big Cat House at your local zoo, and see if you can scratch a few lion bellies.  

In closing: I trust my support of your oh so important agendas, beliefs and prejudices is a comfort to you.  You’ll be even happier to hear that most freethinkers, realists and atheists similarly share my support for your freedom to embrace your stunted, medieval, cloistered, hateful non-think.  And as you practice your beliefs just remember, speaking on behalf of every American atheist …when we are the majority, we promise to treat you better than you treated us. Promise!

Yours in reason,

Dromedary Hump



Analog Kid said...

Bravo sir. A classic.
P.S. "Fabulous". Love it.

paul said...

Well said. But, unfortunately, very ripe for cherry picking.

Carl said...

Excellent letter! You have made my year!

Sue said...

Right on time, Bart. Shared!

Jefandrues said...

A well reasoned rant sir, resisting with admirable restraint the temptation to upgrade your essay into a Cleesian frenzy of justifiable spittle-spraying anger.
You are under the mistaken belief, however, that you speak on "behalf of American atheists". You also speak for the atheists of America's allies; the non-Americans around the world who watch with alarm & despair how (now only one of) the most powerfully armed countries can be influenced by a group of people who, not only believe in a supernatural "being", they know he/she/it is on their side so they can't lose! (I've just been to church so I think I'll pop in and play the pokies)
And while I'm on MY rant: USA guns & the second amendment!
Great idea for the eighteenth century, the nineteenth century and half of the twentieth century. In all that time it would have been possible for an enemy to invade America and, whether marching with serried ranks down Main Street or crawling on knees & elbows through the fringing village undergrowth, be repelled by a well armed populace as envisioned by the proponents of the amendment.
In the event of a civil war, not between North & South but Left & Right or Poor & Rich, the second amendment will be your society's undoing.
But, thank goodness, god will be on BOTH sides, eh?