Thursday, June 26, 2008

Playing the Fundies to Your Advantage

In early May I placed an order for a specialty accessory for one of my guns from a firm in the Midwest. While searching their website I found one of those insipid “Jesus is Our Lord and Savior” testimonials on one of their pages. It screamed “Fundie!!”

Now normally, I wouldn’t deal with religious nuts that don’t have the intellect, or good sense, to separate their business reality from their religious fantasy, but they are the only source for their patented product. I shrug, dial the phone and place my order.

Anna, the lady taking my order, was knowledgeable and friendly. She warned me each part was made to order and could take up to four weeks, since it’s a small family business. They will, however, be charging my credit card immediately. Okay.

Five weeks later, nothing. So I call and ask for “Anna”. She apologizes and says it’ll be another week. Ten days pass, still no delivery. I call again this morning, but this time with a plan. Here’s the convo verbatim to the best of my memory:

Me: “Hi Anna, this is Hump from New Hampshire.”
Anna: “Oh, yes, hello.”
Me: “I was wondering how my part was coming.”
Anna: “Oh, yes … let me check on that.”
[on hold for a full minute]
Anna: “Sorry Hump, Tim hasn’t gotten to it, but it should be within a week or so.”
Me: {pissed off but hiding it under my sanctimonious love of Jesus} “That’s ok Anna, Jesus has blessed me with patience. God Bless you and Tim. If there’s anything you can do to help speed the …”
Anna: “Hump, can you hold on for one second please?
[on hold for 20 seconds]
Anna: “Tim says he’ll will have this done and in the mail to you this afternoon.”
Me: “God Bless you, Anna. Thanks so much.”
Anna: “And may the Good Lord bless and keep you as well, Hump. Bye.”

Now, I suppose it could have been just my good luck that Tim miraculously found the time to produce my part that day, after having put me off just seconds before. But I think not. It’s obvious my devotion to Jesus moved them.

I suppose a theist would say I was being deceptive by intentionally misrepresenting myself as a Christian in order to gain favor. My perspective, however, is entirely different. Much like the ancient pagan priests used their knowledge of celestial movement / eclipses to subdue their weak minded people, I simply used my knowledge of fanatical Christians’ own weaknesses to my benefit. Why should a business give preference to a customer because they think they share a superstition in common? And if they do, aren’t they themselves being “un-Christian” in their business practice?

Besides … they are already operating under a delusion. One more induced by a far away disembodied camel won’t harm them one bit.


bugsoup said...

Brilliant. This tactic is the cousin to dealing with telemarketers by asking them if you can call them back at their home.

It may not have been dishonest. Who knows, maybe Jesus took over your heart at just the right time. Temporary insanity perhaps?

DromedaryHump said...

Thanks, Soup! Clearly I was inspired by the Lard to get these fundies off their dead arses, and it workd. Praise the Lard!!

bugsoup said...

I wonder if this would work with less-than-overtly-xtian businesses considering that ~90% of the country thinks that Our Heavenly Sky Daddy exists.

Next time I need to buy a car, I will bless them first.

DromedaryHump said...

Well, I'd be cautious. There are Xtians who find that holy roller stuff almost as annoying as we do.

I plan to make this a permanent part of my shopping technique but only with known Fundie Whacko businesses, and only when I have no other alternate resource.

bugsoup said...

Good point. In that case, I might only get to use it when I absolutely have to use a faith-based business as I tend to avoid them when there are other options.

Joyce said...

Soup said:

"Brilliant. This tactic is the cousin to dealing with telemarketers by asking them if you can call them back at their home."

Oh my gosh! Now THAT is a perfect response! I'm going to use that from now on!

DromedaryHump said...

Here's an update on my order. I still didn't get it. So I called again today and reminded anna she said they were shipping the 26th.

After much checking and on hold it seems they lied! It shipped out the 30th...four days after. Or so she now says.

So, even when they are dealing with "their own" Christians lie.
I am unsurprised.