Friday, April 3, 2009

A Letter From GOD

Dear Loyal Creation,

Hi! Hope things are going well for you. Of course, I already know how things are going for you, I’m fuckin God after all; I’m just being congenially anthropomorphic for your benefit.

Hey, listen, before I go on I want to let you know I’m really sorry about your infant daughter dying. I wouldn’t want you to think for one minute I didn’t hear your prayers, and see your wife’s tears as she sat by her bedside all those weeks and begged for me to save her. I’m sorry she had to suffer that slow agonizing death, but I haven’t gotten around to providing the doctors with the formula and insight necessary to cure her condition. Maybe in a couple of weeks. I’ve been real busy trying to get North Carolina into the Final Four.

Oh, yes … of course I could have intervened and miraculously saved her; but I work in strange and mysterious ways, as I’m sure you’ve heard. Anyway, you can produce more offspring (shouldn't be too difficult for you, your wife is HOT! I'd do her myself, but the last time I tried that it started a cult). Oh, and thanks for not getting all pissy and giving up belief in me. I know I can count on your continued praise and worship. Hey, what else ya got going for you in your life, right? Hahaha ... just kidding! ( no I’m not).

Anyway, the real reason I’m writing is to let you know you’ve been chosen to be my spokesperson on Earth. I know, I know, you’re thinking “What!? Me?? But I’m nobody, I’m not worthy!” and of course you’d be right. I mean, I could pick someone with much higher intellect, who possesses reasoning skills, and respects logic, say… an atheist. But, you know how they are. They’d ask for proof / evidence, and when I couldn’t provide any, they’d know that they were having a delusion, go seek professional psychiatric care, and get back to the business of being normal productive people in short order. It just wouldn’t work out.

But, YOU on the other hand are so credulous, so sheepishly faithful, so deluded, so resistant to anything smacking of reality, that I know can count on you to blindly mouth my orders and expectations for all mankind. Right now you’re thinking Pat Robertson already does this job. You’re wrong, he's an asshat. I never communicate through him. In fact, it won’t belong before he joins Jerry Falwell in that special place I created for so many of my beloved but all too annoying creations. On the other hand Fred Phelps does some consulting work for me on a pet project of mine. Fred’s a special guy.

So, here’s the deal. Every so often I will communicate to you what I want you to tell the other sheep. Sometimes it’ll be through your dreams, sometimes as voices in your head, sometimes via your cell phone (I’ll put you on my “Favorite Five” speed dial).

Occasionally just for fun I’ll shoot you a sign, like those urine stains on men’s room walls that look like that Jesus character, or the cheese sandwiches that look like that Mary babe. They don’t mean anything, but you can sell them on ebay and supplement your meager income. God Knows (Hehehe) I mean, I knows you could use the extra cash, given your career at Burger King isn’t exactly destine for greatness and you still live in your Mom’s basement.

Well, that’s about it for now. I’ll be in touch. Don’t bother to show this letter to anyone, it’s just a blank piece of typewriter paper, except for the repetitive REDRUM, REDRUM” scrawled in red crayon in your handwriting. People wouldn’t understand.

Don’t call me. I’ll call you.

Omnisciently yours,



selina said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


microdot said...

But, Hump, that's not the God I met...He came up to me in a bar in Glascow and tried to get me to buy him a Newcastles, I said, "If you're God, than why are drinkin Newcastles, then? And why do you need to borrow money from me? There's kids starvin, I see it on the telly all the time and if you were God, you could sort all that out instead of trying to shag a beer out of me!"
Well, the old guy looks at me fierce, and you know, for a smelly old geezer, he was little scary, and he raises hisself up and says,
"Jist hud oan a minute, pal. Lit's git one thing straight. Every fickin time ah come doon here, some wide-o pills ays up aboot what should n shouldnae be fuckin daein.
Either that or ah huv tae enter intae some philosophical fuckin discourse wi some wee undergraduate twat aboot the nature of masel, the extent ay ma omnipotence n aw that shite. Ah'm gettin a wee bit fed up wi aw theis self-justification; it's no for yous cunts tae crticise me. Ah made yous cunts in ma ain image. You git oan wi it; yous fuckin well sort it oot. That cunt Nietzsche wis wide ay the mark whin he sais ah wis deid. Ah'm no deid; ah jist dinnae gie a fuck. It's no fir me tae sort everty cunts problems oot. Nae other cunt gies a fuck so should ah? Eh?"

Then he turned me into a fly....

mud_rake said...

Marvelous, simply marvelous, Hump. Every once in a while [more often than not] I can use some religious humor to help me plod through the fundy world that seems to want to 'convert' me.

Thanks again and feel free to expand these thoughts here and on my blog.

- Mud

DromedaryHump said...

Thanks very muchy. Welcome!!


Thanks, I have my moments. ;)

Tracey said...

So, does this mean I can't have your In Reason We Trust stamper?

DromedaryHump said...

Tracey, you can't.

HoleyHands said...

Dear God,

Way back in 1951, I received three little, dyed, baby, easter chicks as a gift. (One pink, one yellow and the other was green I think)

My sister killed them by choking them to death. She said that they would rise up to be alive again on easter morning. I,m still waiting?

My question is:

Have you seen my little, dyed, baby, easter chicks wandering around heaven anywhere?

DromedaryHump said...

Dear Holey Hands,

I'm happy to inform you that your dyed baby chicks are indeed in heaven. That's the good news.

The bad news is that Hitler accidently ran them over in his staff car, and Jim Jones ate them coated with with Shake and Bake.

Omniciently yours,

mebstars said...

hitlers in heaven? go figure. haha this was a great letter though!

DromedaryHump said...

Hi, Mebs, thanks for the comment.

Well, we know hitler was raised a christian. All he needed to do to get to heaven is to have retained belief in Jebus as his lord and savior and repent for the millions of deaths he caused: Bam!... he's hobnobbing with Jesus and playing a few rounds of golf with him. Hey, thats the who knows.

Anne frank of course, innocent child that she was, was a jrew to the end. She burns in hell. Lovely doctrine.

Barb said...

Hitler was not a Christian --no matter what he said. He didn't follow the Bible at all --like the Ku Klux Klan. Nothing Christ-like about them.

Being born into a christian home --especially a Catholic home if it relies on ritual to save you and otherwise bears no resemblance to Biblical family life --will not make you Christian. Being baptized will not make you a Christian. Church membership will not make you a Christian.

Only the Spirit of God can make you a Christian and if you are one, there will be fruit of the Spirit in your life. There is none in the Klan or in the Nazi regime.

DromedaryHump said...

your statements are not historically accurate. They ignore doctrine. They are a re-write / personal perversion of doctrine to suit your preference and put a kinder,gentler face on a bizarre dogma.

You are not the arbitor of who is and isnt christain. The doctrine does that. I am familiar with christian doctrine, whereas you seem not to be, or prefer to ignore it. If you dont like the doctrine then call yourself something other than Xtian. How about "semi-christian Lite"... less filling, more satisfying to your sensiblities than the real thing.

Do NOT give me your unsupportable personal interpretation on christian doctrine and call it christianity. Its a waste of time.