Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Swine Flu End Times Fulfillment!!

Well, seems ole Jesus is playing with pigs one more time. No, he’s not infecting pigs with demons; this time he’s infecting humans with pigs' virus. What a character.

It didn’t take long for the Christian soothsayers to start crediting Jesus with the swine flu outbreak. That’s right; I said “crediting” because this is a good thing to them. Here’s an example of a self appointed prophet of God issuing his advance notice that this is the big one, the precursor to the End Times, the Rapture, Christ’s return, HALLELUJAH!!!

Note the key to his crazed ranting is this passage:
Mathew 24:7 “For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places.”

Well heck, yeah! I mean between war in Iraq and Afghanistan; unrest between Iran and the US, Korea and the US, Venezuela and the US; famine in Africa; the massive earthquake in Italy; and now the Swine Flu pestilence … it’s as obvious as the Virgin Mary’s intact hymen that the shit is about to hit the fan for us non-believers, while a free ride to Candy Land is in store for the faithful. The prophesy is about to be fulfilled!! Thank ya Jeezus!!!

I mean, can it be any more obvious??

Oh sure, there are also conspiracy theorists on the net proclaiming swine flu is a terrorist attack, or a New World Order covert attempt to reduce world population. But no one really is going to buy those crazies, not when the bible itself so plainly spells out the signs that announce Jesus is about to come down and open up a can of whoop asskick on the godless heretics. Besides, internet Christian prophets are all a buzz, and they can’t ALL be wrong.

So here’s the plan. Put on a big gold cross, maybe burn all your heretical books and CDs on your front lawn, and squeal your everlasting devotion to Jesus the Lord of the Pigs. Oink loud and maybe writhe around on the ground like the really hardcore True Christians do. You may still catch the swine flu, but at least if you croak you’ll be assured of resurrection with the rest of the believers who died in all the other pandemics.

I’m guessing a major pork product BBQ in paradise is being prepared. Bring your own Wetones.


Anonymous said...

Oh fuck, I just sneezed.

One sec Hump,

Oh creator of all shit that is amusing and cool, but is not responsible for any shit that can be construed as a pain in the ass unless of course, if divine will chooses to smite some mother fuckers in your unquestionable wisdom. We grovel in your droppings and temperamental tirades that is not comprehensible to a mere dog in rags such as myself. Forgive me for weed-whacking on Sunday and eating that slim jim when I knew I should not have strayed from fish or some derivative of alfalfa before easter. I flagellate myself until my bones are laid bare to avoid being ripped asunder with hooks and shit and to share the wading pool of fire with un-baptized babies, retards, and remote Eskimos who have never been beaten into submission in the name of coin, power, and the right to wear very cool hats. Protect us from boogers, diarrhea, aches, chills, and singing psychedelic phrases to the depths of porcelain bowls.

sniff sniff, I am better now. Praise him.

Yes, swine flu. Deadly in Mexico, but a much milder strain as soon as one steps across the border. Strange headlines indeed.


Tracey said...

Ah, yes, but not to be out done by the christies, a branch of orthodox jews has renamed the swine flu the Mexican flu. Can't have the orthodox being infected with anything having to do with swine.


DromedaryHump said...

Hey..great prayer! I will quote you when I use it to help fend off the Lords newest life form creation. Onink!!

Yeah... In Israel they dont want to offend devout jews or muslims by suggesting they could get swine flu... so officially its Mexican Flu. I guess they don't worry too much about offending the Mexicans. LOL.


Tracey said...

"I guess they don't worry too much about offending the Mexicans."

Of course not. They're infidels.

Anonymous said...

Of course, given that it's a communicable disease, it's more likely to be spread to others in a gathering of large groups.

I mean, the government has issued a declaration to stay away from public gatherings, but somehow I don't think that's going to stop the Swine-Flu afflicted from attending their churches and infecting everybody.

It really is sad that religions are willing to gamble away their credibility every time some new sickness comes around. The boy who cried wolf is now the man who cried End Times.

- ThatMr.RogersDude

Aqueous Transmission said...

Good Stuff hump, i find myself reading your stuff all the time... gotta love those crazy religous folks :)

Angel said...

Anon's prayer is too hilarious! I'm sending that one to some fundies I know.

Angel said...

The more I look at that prayer the more I laugh and can't look away!!

Can I copy/paste that in a post on my blog?? Pleaseeeee, Hump?? I'll give a link back to it.

Dromedary Hump said...

of my guest.