It didn’t take long for the Christian soothsayers to start crediting Jesus with the swine flu outbreak. That’s right; I said “crediting” because this is a good thing to them. Here’s an example of a self appointed prophet of God issuing his advance notice that this is the big one, the precursor to the End Times, the Rapture, Christ’s return, HALLELUJAH!!!
Note the key to his crazed ranting is this passage:
Mathew 24:7 “For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places.”
Well heck, yeah! I mean between war in Iraq and Afghanistan; unrest between Iran and the US, Korea and the US, Venezuela and the US; famine in Africa; the massive earthquake in Italy; and now the Swine Flu pestilence … it’s as obvious as the Virgin Mary’s intact hymen that the shit is about to hit the fan for us non-believers, while a free ride to Candy Land is in store for the faithful. The prophesy is about to be fulfilled!! Thank ya Jeezus!!!
I mean, can it be any more obvious??
Oh sure, there are also conspiracy theorists on the net proclaiming swine flu is a terrorist attack, or a New World Order covert attempt to reduce world population. But no one really is going to buy those crazies, not when the bible itself so plainly spells out the signs that announce Jesus is about to come down and open up a can of whoop asskick on the godless heretics. Besides, internet Christian prophets are all a buzz, and they can’t ALL be wrong.
So here’s the plan. Put on a big gold cross, maybe burn all your heretical books and CDs on your front lawn, and squeal your everlasting devotion to Jesus the Lord of the Pigs. Oink loud and maybe writhe around on the ground like the really hardcore True Christians do. You may still catch the swine flu, but at least if you croak you’ll be assured of resurrection with the rest of the believers who died in all the other pandemics.
I’m guessing a major pork product BBQ in paradise is being prepared. Bring your own Wetones.