Monday, May 11, 2009

Christians' Creepy Holy Foreskin Worship


I probably should have saved this for New Years Day, but the mood is upon me so here it "comes".

It seems that Jesus’ foreskin holds a revered place in Christian lore. Who’d have guessed that a religion whose followers are so… uh… “flaccid” when it comes to their icon’s Judaic roots and practices, would have such a fixation? But for over 1400 years there has been a rather unhealthy affinity for Jesus’ penis tip. Call it “holy penis envy.”

On January 1st each year Lutherans, Anglicans, and Eastern Orthodox Catholics observe the holiday called “Circumcision of Christ.” This holy day marks Jesus' submission to Judaic law and tradition. In accordance with Jewish law, Jesus was circumcised on the eighth day after his birth. The Catholic church decided back in 1969 to quit observing the 14 century old holy day of the “Feast of Circumcision” [ Eeewwww!!], and instead decided to rename it “Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God” day. Small wonder, given the sound of the menu.

If that wasn’t bizarre enough, there have been at least twelve official & unofficial Jesus foreskin relics being revered and passed along among churches, popes and devout nobles through out Europe from the 9th through the 16th century. These were the Holy Prepuce. They kept them in special jeweled boxes (see picture above), “whipping them out” only for very special occasions and celebrations… each church and owner attesting that only their prepuce was the one true foreskin of their Lord and Savior. Think I’m making this up? Here’s a “tip” for you… Google “Holy Prepuce.”

And check out Google for medieval paintings depicting the circumcision of Jesus. Holy Schlong!!...there must be a hundred of them!!!

Well, things got so out of hand, what with all of this unseemly Jesus penis talk, that in 1900 the Catholic church threatened excommunication for any “putz” daring to write or talk about Jesus’ holy member. The penalty got “stiffer” in 1954, when violation of the rule got you the highest level of excommunication which included being shunned.

Unfortunately, during the Reformation and French Revolution almost all of these penis pieces were destroyed or lost. Only one remained into the 20th century, The Holy Prepuce of Calcata, which was “exposed", put on display and taken for a walk through the streets of that Italian city annually as recently as 1983. The annual practice would probably still be going on today, had they not been “shafted” by some thief who stole it, jeweled box and all. What a “dick”!!

So, why this Christian “hard-on” for a Jesus foreskin? Hey, who knows what makes Christian cultist whackos tick. Headhunters have their shrunken heads, Voo-doo practitioners have their dried bats and such, and Christians favor their man-god’s manhood. I guess one could say all other religions’ relics just don’t “measure up.”

As a non-believer and thinking person I tried to equate this to some peculiar secular practice. But I never heard of anyone claiming to own Woody Allen’s, Sigmund Freud’s or Isaac Asimov’s excess penis part. For some reason, Freethinkers just aren’t “hung” up on the attraction. Maybe it’s because we aren’t “schmucks".

9 comments:

HoleyHands said...

Not Safe for Work!!!

When it comes down to 'Holy Members', jesus couldn't hold a candle to Rasputin........

DromedaryHump said...

Yikes!!!
And I see the mad monk's schwantz has it's own christian devotee.

DromedaryHump said...

HH,

OK... I see your Rasputin penis, and raise you two Japanese penis shrines!! "Beat" that!!

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/3/3732001_21c988fe41.jpg?v=0

http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=2nhev0g&s=4

HoleyHands said...

This is the world's largest penis, located in a chinese amusment park?

DromedaryHump said...

Damnit... I fold!

Anonymous said...

From Engineer of Knowledge

Hello Hump,

A quote from Thomas Jefferson, “I have recently been examining all the known superstitions of the world, and do not find in our particular superstition (Christianity) one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and mythology.”

How could any sane person believe or let themselves be convinced that what they have is truly the foreskin of Christ. What a crock!!!

In my early 20’s I went to Bari Italy. There they think that the Crusaders brought back the remains of St. Nickolas, (Santa Claus) from ancient Byzantine city of Constantinople (Now Istanbul, Turkey).

As DNA cloning gets more advances and routine, I wonder when some fanatic will try to take a small sample and think they are cloning Christ? Some nut job will think that they are called by God to assist in this way to make it possible for Christ to return to earth. Many believers think that it is foretold that Christ will return to usher the true believers into heaven before Armageddon happens. But in doing so, would that not be an admission that science of natural selection and not creationism are the true facts?

DromedaryHump said...

Engineer,

Yeah..Jefferson said alot of great stuff against the idiocy of christianity, and in favor of the wall of seperation between church and state.
One of the smartest of our founding fathers, hes my hero.

My guess if the faithful tried to clone a piece of that foreskin, the best they'd get is a limp dick.

;)

Hump

Anonymous said...

From Engineer of Knowledge

Hello Hump,
I belong to a book discussion group with one of my local libraries. We have read Richard Dawkins’s book, “The Blind Watchmaker.” My degree is in Applied Science / Electrical Engineering so I can substantiate the science facts within this book. We are currently reading a book written by Susan Jacoby called, “The Age of American Unreason.”

For the last 30 years, the movement of evangelical/fundamentalist have been trying, and with some success in the last eight years, to lead our country into a pit of stupidity and drowning us in religious fundamentalism with political ideologues that has made our country barely smarter than a fifth grader. In the early 1960’s our high school graduates tested in the highest scores for math and science. Now we are far behind many third world countries. One of the true wealth’s of any nation is the education levels of its work force and population as a whole.

One of my favorite examples to this fact was a marquee in front of one of these evangelical churches close to my home. The marquee announced the upcoming Sunday topic was, “Knowledge is the Enemy of Faith.” Yes, let’s keep our congregation ignorant. That way they won’t have the education to recognize and question what we want them to believe and repeat as faith facts no matter how drastic it is from true facts. The message is to make people believe that to educate one’s self is against God’s will.

Now mind you, I have respect for a person of faith. My problem comes when they want to impose their extreme beliefs such as Intelligent Design as a science class, insist that dinosaurs walked on earth in the same time frame as man because God created it all at the same time. It was the great flood that drowned them all, including the fossilized evidence of aquatic life, except for the birds flying around today, etc.

But just like the McCarthy era of the 1950’s but died by the 1960’s, this fundamental stupidity, i.e. embracing Sara Palin, has had its time and more clearer minds will take over again.

DromedaryHump said...

Engineer,
Yep.. "knowledge is the enemy of faith" is a famous quote from Martin Luther. Knowledge leads to independent thought, which leads to questioning, which leads to weakening / dissolution of belief in the nonsensical.

I think we are on a rebound in education. Fundies have been losing their battles to put creationism / ID in the school room all across the country. They have failed to have books banned in librarys, and have had teachers who have been proselytizing in class fired or censured.

Witht he rise in secularism, and decline in christian believers as reported by the Pew group I am comfortable that this will continue to get even better.

If you're not a member of Americans United for the Seperation of Church and State, and/or Freedom From religion Foundation, you should join. They fight religious dumbing down of public schools as a primary mission.

Thanks,
Hump