Monday, May 3, 2010

Hump accepts the King of Kings

I can no longer deny my Lord and Savior. For I did, this very day, partake in His Goodness. I ask you all to join me in The King’s Prayer.

Verily when I hungered He fedith me.
When I thirsted He gave me carbonated drink.
When I lacked for sodium His fries satiated me with the salt of the Earth.
He anointith me with His trans-fat free oil.
Yea, though I drove to the window without funds He taketh my Amex Card.
His forever smiling countenance shines down upon me from my TV screen.
Surely His calories and fat content shall follow me all the days of my life; for my ass grows large like a fatted calf.

Some doubters may ask “But Hump, there are lots of icons of fast food that you could embrace and worship. Why pick The King over all others? ” Oh ye of little taste. The answers are obvious and all around them if only they could open their hearts, mouths and cholesterol clogged arteries to the Truth.

First, anyone who has taken Communion with The King and tasted of His body …
The A-1SteakBurger* [* a registered trademark of His Supreme Holiness] … and felt His beefy juiciness and His tangy sauce upon their tongue would know that this is food from a King …not a clown.

Second, He gives us Free Will to “Have it Yah Weh,” even to choose between sides of fries and sides of onion rings, both drenched in the flowing fat of His being.

Third, much as only a beast of the field would feed from a trough, so only the misguided followers of a white suited mustachioed old red neck would eat from a bucket. They follow a false God, and shall some day choke upon the wishbone of the Great Deceiver.

Fourth, Wendy is in fact the Whore of Babylon; with her prepubescent freckles, unbridled hair, and promise of juiciness that can barely be sopped with multiple napkins. Shame! Woe be upon those who partake of her temptress’ wares!

Finally, The King sacrificed His head and His face and replaced it with an oversized molded plastic model for us in order to cleanse the world of creepy painted clown faces.

Hear Me O readers!! Only the fool says in his stomach that “The King is not LORD.”
For to deny Him condemns you to eating burgers with a “special sauce” the origin and content of which only the Clown (Satan’s minion who doesn’t look like the fiend in Stephen King’s “It” by accident) knows.

You’ve been warned. Now, go forth; have lunch; and may the King bless you, and provide you with extra packets of Heinze, the blood of His body. Ask and ye shall receive.

[thks to Tracey for the inspiration for this article]


Tracey said...

Communion with the King...that would explain why the Priest of the Drive-Thru said "eat me" when he handed me my order. Makes perfect sense now. We don't have a Clown Temple anywhere near our humble abode. Good thing I guess. Keeps us from being tempted by their false gawd.

P.S. Happy to have been an inspiration. :)

Dromedary Hump said...

Tracey... I think that priest was hiting on you. They all dothat ya know :)

devil said...

In the house of the King do the managers errr priests take of the flesh of virgins

No Guy in the Sky said...

I must be really bad, as I prefer to eat Wendys hot and juicy.

While I was once a King minion, three years ago I turned to the dark side and have not looked back. I am Wendys.

Anonymous said...

I once was a BK Fish junkie. Luckily, there is no longer a BK near me. It may have saved my life.

Dromedary Hump said...

Devil...don't know. I'm not privy to what exactly goes on in their ritual kitchen. Probably better if it remains a mystery.

No Guy... SLUT!!!! You'll burn for your blasphemy!!

Universal... sure, you prolonged your mortal existence, but now you've got no means by which to gain eternal everlasting life in Burger King heaven.

Motorhead said...

The warriors gather slowly 'round the sacred city's (taco) bell. Ronald screams for vengeance on the land his minions fell. Tyrants pray disaster for the King's land of trust. Wendy plots a way to turn the city into dust. The Colonel arrives on time with a bucket in hand, 11 herbs and spices and no one gives a damn. From the north comes a Big Boy with troops to deploy. The King builds a playhouse for the kiddies to enjoy. As the Doughboy from Pillsbury gets poked in the gut. Trix the Rabbit calls Wendy a slut.

Ok, my food armaggedon nursery rhyme is getting way out of hand. Hump and Tracey, see what you made me do?

Dromedary Hump said...

Motor...sheesh... I had no idea you were such an accomplished poet, and fast food devotee.

I assume Jack in the Box "sprung a leak of faith" and thus wasn't worthy of mention.

Rastifan said...

“Behold the gifts we are about to receive. Look in awe upon the Bacon Double Cheeseburger as it descends upon us”.

“If your eye do not find the BK 1/4 lb Burger pleasing, pluck it out”.

“Let there be wailing and gnashing of teeth for the hungry who has not yet been baptised in the fat and cholesterol of the holy Double Whopper w/ cheese”.

“Glory to the King Supreme which divine sustains fills the hungry and the poor...”

I was having trouble with the last one and sort of lost the track.
I do demand a HERSHEYS Sundae Pie for the effort. And yes I went on their homepage to find out what the hell they where selling:)

Dromedary Hump said...

Damnit!!! Now I'm so fuckin hungry I could eat TWO Steakhouse burgers!! Sadley, the nearest BK is 23 miles away in Keene NH.

Hmmm... I wonder if Mrs. Hump could be persuaded to take a little drive. His will be done.

Rastifan said...

Hump try pulling that biblical the will of the man is the will of the women crap. The woman shall obey her husband and so on.

Let us know if you survive:)

Motorhead said...

LMAO! This is hilarious! The immortal pizza god, Papa John, should get a dishonorable mention somewhere in here.

Let's all go to Burger King on the same day as the unconstitutional national day of mumblings. Imagine the headlines: "Godless Heathens' Stop at BK" "Burger King is a Blasphemer!" "Laughing Atheists Spotted At BK'S Worldwide"-Pictures at eleven.

Anonymous said...

This is blasphemy! Repent or you will burn in hell! The Flying Spaghetti Monster is the only true God! Ramen!

Motorhead said...

"Burger King Races the FSM up Mt. Improbable" - Pictures at eleven.

Analog Kid said...

This just in...
Archeologists have now confirmed without a doubt that the Shroud of Turin does not bear the likeness of Jesus Christ after all, but indeed is a perfect match for the Burger King.
"Yeah, I kinda had a feeling, but I obviously didn't want to say anything." -- Pope Benedict Arnold

No Guy in the Sky said...

This is great!

A K - Shroud does look like BK. lmao.

I left BK last year after they ended the Indy Burger. That was heavenly. lol

Now I am like a lost sheeple with out a home. Going from one place of burger worship to another.

Dromedary Hump said...

LOL... so it's not fake blood's ketchup???

I'm sure the King would want us to cut the shroud into napkin size pieces and use the shroud for something productive.

Rachelle said...


Hump said: He gives us Free Will to “Have it Yah Weh,”
LOLOL! That's priceless. LOL! I can see that on a t-shirt. LOL!

Tracey said...

Wendy is the illegitimate child of Ronald McDonald and the Dairy Queen. She's pure evil. The bastard spawn of the False God of the Clown Temple and a tranny. I'm sure she ties in with the seven seals and four whores' men and all that hallucinogenic-induced shit. I just can't quite connect the dots. Fuck it. Gimme a Whopper, Jr. and a coke.

Dromedary Hump said...

Ok, now yer scarin me :S

Enrico S said...

"Have it Yah Weh" I totally missed that! Thanks Rachelle! That would be a brilliant T-Shirt

NewEnglandBob said...

OK, it is finally time for me to chime in. I never eat fast food. Give me Szechuan, sushi and sashimi, Filet Mignon or seafood like flounder or trout.

Fast food is the spawn of Satan, as everyone knows!

Rastifan said...

I would not have trouble passing the ketchup as the blood of the lamb along with the salt and pepper.

Hump - did you drive to the Kings place of worship for psychical fulfillment?

Rastifan said...

And a big LOL to Tracey...

But the seven seals are a bit on the late side. Some incompetent cherubs can't agree on the knots.

Dromedary Hump said...

Bob...what?? You trying to live forever??

Rasti..for both :)

Rachelle said...


I'm with NE Bob. I don't eat fast food...But I'm even lower on the food chain cuz I'm vegan. LOL! What do I win for that?? LOL!

Dromedary Hump said...

OK.. I swear on my childrens lives that not more than 35 minutes ago I spoke to my wife who is shopping in Keene. I was overcome with a religious fervor and asked her to bring home some holy sacraments from The King for lunch. A Steakburger to be precise.

Bless that King!!! His will be done!!!

NewEnglandBob said...

Rachelle said:

"But I'm even lower on the food chain cuz I'm vegan. LOL! What do I win for that??"

A rhubarb? A veggie burger?

Tracey said...

Rachelle, fear not, for behold, the King serves Gardenburgers. All who hunger for deliciousness are welcome in His kingdom.

Rachelle said...

LOL! So there's no escaping this King, eh? LOL!

Are those Catholic crackers vegan? Maybe I can munch on some of those. LOL! Unless of course it really is Jesus flesh. LOL!

Motorhead said...

LMFAO!!!!!!! Mrs. Hump was asked to bring home holy sacraments from The King!

"Kingdom of...I mean welcome to Burger King, may I take your order please?"

"Yes, my husband has been overcome with religious fervor and needs a steakburger post haste."

"Would you like to super size that?"

"No thank you. I'm in a hurry. He's on my cell phone speaking in tongues."

"Ok, have it Yah Weh and pull to the next window."

Dromedary Hump said...

LOL.. Yep, pretty much like that :) was a HEAVENLY Steakburger!

DM said...

how about I believe in WHATEVER I want - even in the FLYING SPAGHETTI
MONSTER! - and you have nothing to say!

let me show you the end results of this particular *ONE-DIMENSIONAL SCIENTIFIC MODE*
of thinking that is called *CRITICAL THINKING*, which is completely divorced from
any human objectives...

this style has been perfected by dawkins, pz, randi and the other *NEW ATHEISTS*
hey, atheists don't even BELIEVE IN BOOBIES!!!
they thought BOOBIES had no effect... WRONG!

see, I just want to make it clear to the rest of you:
jen is unable to see that there is a CONFLICT BETWEEN EROS & SCIENCE....

see how we take a term and convert it into its AUTHENTIC POLITICAL DIMENSION - THAT
OF LIBERATION - not just merely harmless expression...

Visit for the BOOBQUAKE: