Verily when I hungered He fedith me.
When I thirsted He gave me carbonated drink.
When I lacked for sodium His fries satiated me with the salt of the Earth.
He anointith me with His trans-fat free oil.
Yea, though I drove to the window without funds He taketh my Amex Card.
His forever smiling countenance shines down upon me from my TV screen.
Surely His calories and fat content shall follow me all the days of my life; for my ass grows large like a fatted calf.
Some doubters may ask “But Hump, there are lots of icons of fast food that you could embrace and worship. Why pick The King over all others? ” Oh ye of little taste. The answers are obvious and all around them if only they could open their hearts, mouths and cholesterol clogged arteries to the Truth.
First, anyone who has taken Communion with The King and tasted of His body …
The A-1SteakBurger* [* a registered trademark of His Supreme Holiness] … and felt His beefy juiciness and His tangy sauce upon their tongue would know that this is food from a King …not a clown.
Second, He gives us Free Will to “Have it Yah Weh,” even to choose between sides of fries and sides of onion rings, both drenched in the flowing fat of His being.
Third, much as only a beast of the field would feed from a trough, so only the misguided followers of a white suited mustachioed old red neck would eat from a bucket. They follow a false God, and shall some day choke upon the wishbone of the Great Deceiver.
Fourth, Wendy is in fact the Whore of Babylon; with her prepubescent freckles, unbridled hair, and promise of juiciness that can barely be sopped with multiple napkins. Shame! Woe be upon those who partake of her temptress’ wares!
Finally, The King sacrificed His head and His face and replaced it with an oversized molded plastic model for us in order to cleanse the world of creepy painted clown faces.
Hear Me O readers!! Only the fool says in his stomach that “The King is not LORD.”
For to deny Him condemns you to eating burgers with a “special sauce” the origin and content of which only the Clown (Satan’s minion who doesn’t look like the fiend in Stephen King’s “It” by accident) knows.
You’ve been warned. Now, go forth; have lunch; and may the King bless you, and provide you with extra packets of Heinze, the blood of His body. Ask and ye shall receive.