Monday, February 15, 2010

Crazy Xtian Emails

The past few days have been rather exciting. Eternal Earth-Bound Pets business and my book have been receiving world wide notoriety. The Bloomberg News, Business Week magazine, AOL News, print media across the country, and just about every news source and blog on the net has been running our story.

As a result the hits on the website went through the roof … 6,000+ a day. Emails to Eternal Earth-Bound were flooding in, and still are. On Sunday we were receiving emails at a rate of one every 10-15 seconds! Most of them are from atheists congratulating us on a great concept and applying for pet rescuer positions. Others are from Christians. The most infected of the Jesus worshipping crowd decided to let us have a piece of their mind. In so doing I fear they left very little of their minds for themselves, having so little of it to spare.

So I thought I’d share a few of their thoughts (I’m being generous with the term “thought”) for your reading pleasure. All typos are left in tact. Names and email addresses are genuine. I won’t include my responses to them (everyone gets a response) -- I’ll just let you imagine your own. Enjoy.

If, as I understand it, atheists do not believe in such matters as do Christians, why would you even consider having a web site and service like this? Does that allude to the fact that you do, in some minimal way, believe? … To me, to have a business like this gives credence to the fact that you believe that the rapture will happen. So, why profess to be an atheist? Just looking for some enlightenment! Maybe I do not completely understand what an atheist is. Thanks!
[ Hump note: This is a reoccurring theme. It seems some Xtians can’t comprehend that you don’t have to be a believer in Bigfoot to offer Bigfoot believers insurance against Bigfoot damage to their homes. It’s too deep a concept, or perhaps they figure only their theist shaman are entitled to their money for doing nothing.]

Where did you ever get the idea pets do not have souls? Have you ever heard DOG is GOD spelled backwards? Your organization is a joke. I wouldn't leave my dog or any pet with such ignorant individuals. I would be more concerned with your daughters doing the football team if they have no one to answer to. Please, don't tell me they have been raised right and would never do that. How nieve! God please you. mg
[Hump note: I came to the conclusion this guy’s daughter and god are of the female canine variety. But then, I’m “nieve,” so what do I know? ]

I was initially wondering why someone who is sure there is no God could ethically charge for the service they are offering? Don't you honestly believe you are bilking professing Christians out of what is albeit not a princely sum, but nonetheless an amount for which you don't believe you will ever provide any service? Your FAQ's did provide the disclaimer that you could be wrong, so I'll grant you that you've left yourselves an out. So now my question (other than why would a Christian who believed in the rapture not also believe that God could manage taking care of their pets?) is this: How will you know when and if the Rapture has occurred, since your inclination would be to believe any expanantion other than that God had removed all of His followers from the face of the earth?
Dan Adams
[Hump note; Once again that “How can a non-believer offer this service?” As for how will we know if the rapture happens -- can you imagine not noticing 1 billion Xtians missing from the planet in the blink of an eye? Hell, just by the increase in the average IQ of the remaining Earthly occupants we’d know the rapture occurred.]

People have actually sent you money? You have actually taken it? Wonders never cease. Barnum was right. But what a bunch of cynical opportunists you are. And you pass yourselves off as normal people who love their families and so forth. Humbug. Why didn't you set it up as a multi-level Ponzi scheme so you could make some real money? Please don't email me back. I don't want to have to wash my computer's hard drive out with soap.
[Hump note: The concept of spray disinfectant hasn’t reached her section of Arkansas yet. So naturally I emailed her back. That ened that. Must have been too much Irish Spring in the mother board.]

Are you for real? You think that God does not accept animals into his Kingdom. You are mistaken. These animals were created by God Almighty. God has promised me my puppies would go up in the Rapture with me. When the Rapture occurs terrible catasrophic events will start the 7 year Tribulation. You will not have time to care for pets. You will be running into the Mountains,trying to escape all the hell thats coming to planet earth. God speaks to his holy people. Gods judgement has started the countdown. You still have time to Accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord & Savior. Time is short. Jesus died for the sins of the world. What if you are wrong saying there is no God and you end up in Hell. That would of been your fault. Because God gives us a free will to live for him or Satan. I pray you make the right decision. I will pray for you.
[ Hump note: Immediately following the reading of this email I locked my doors and loaded a gun.]

If the rapture were to happen would you believe then? If no what do you think could have happened. If yes, then what are you planning on doing? Do you have any family members that do believe that would then cause you to be in mourning and unable to care for the pets in the chaos? Melyssa
[Hump note: Another reoccurring theme, the “... would you believe THEN?!” question.
Uh, well ... if Dracula knocked on your door, turned into a bat, and sucked your neck would YOU believe THEN? I imagine it would be hard not to. Now what?]

So you do believe God exists? Why start a business banking on God's arrival if you don't believe He exists, right? There's a little faith in everyone. I'm glad to see yours shining through.
[Hump note: I guess this implys that anyone willing to take money from the terminally stupid also believes in God. Who knew? The concept of insurance against god arriving seems to be lost on Rick. ]

This is the most RIDICULOUS thing I have ever heard. You ATHIESTS should be condemmed
[Hump note: A Xtian who obviously never read the Buybull. If he had he’d know that the Bible is actually the most ridiculous thing, and that according to it atheists are already condemned.]

I know you don't believe in the rapture, but if it should occure, what then? Would you believe then? If so, will you turn your eyes to the Lord? There will be many in that time who see the truth and the Lord will save them, though they will still experience the devestation to come. Please know you can always turn to God and He will take you in. He loves you, even when you don't love him!
[Hump note: I’ve read about what theists do when they love you even when you don’t love them … priests and Youth Ministers especially. Thanks, I’ll pass!]

Your theology is skewed," All dogs go to Heaven". God wants us to be happy so he takes our pets with us! Just one more point, without the holy spirit you won;t have a chance of understanding any scripture at all, it's like reading someone else's mail. ..... NO what I have that you do not is faith that is what God os all about an I am worshiping the right God because I have faith in my Lord Jesus Christ he made me right in the eyes of God, and about your news I am so very sorry to let you know its all the same hasn't changed for 2000 years, Wars, hate, killing, sex crimes, robberies, murders etc. Have I missed anything it hasn't changes for 2009 years, IN fact since the days of Adam and Eve, Cain and Able. ...... By the way I eat Pigs, Cows Fish, Birds, but my Dog is my best friend Jesus will let he come with me he gave her to me. Father God I lift this mans soul to you speak to him and show him your truth-- you did that for madam Marie O Hare's Son -- do it for him In Jesus Name Amen.
"Christ's Second Coming is absolutely as assured as his first" Michelle P Neff
[Hump note: This is just one of about ten “All Dogs go to Heaven” email references. It seems these Xtians decided not to draw their belief from scripture, but opted to go with the more believable Holy Word of a Walt Disney Cartoon Movie. I have no idea who
Marie O Hare’s son is (or who Marie is). I'd look it up but I’m too busy trying to figure out why the writer’s dietary preferences are of interest to me.]

If I get some interesting crazy Xtian emails to share I’ll collect them for a sequel. Now we should all go read something secular and meaningful. I fear these letters could have a deleterious effect on our IQs.

[My thanks to Holey Hands for the idea for this article]


Contents under pressue said...

Almost all the emails on the hatemail is from AOL.

It's official - there IS a dumbfuckistan :(

Enrico said...

Holy crap!!!! That's just amazingly pathetic! I laughed and then thought; WTF? Lock your doors and load the gun is right!

As responsible caring pet owners they need to think hard and ask themselves; "What if I'm wrong about Fido going in the rapture?" Isn't it better to take Pascals wager and purchase care for Fido just in case they are wrong? If they are correct and Fido goes with them, they win and lost nothing.

If Fido is not permitted in to join his master in rapture, then Fido could suffer a terrible TERRIBLE fate!

Isn't it wiser to be safe and purchase pet care from Eternally Earthbound Pet's "just in case".
By doing so, they insure that Fido has nothing to loose and is surrounded by love, even during the tribulation.

The rapture always cracked me up. Of course people would believe if millions of people suddenly disappeared from the face of the earth. All of human kind would drop to their knees and repent, pick up their bible's run off to Sunday school, attack and kill the Anti-Christ or anyone who claims to be Christ! But not soon after, they would begin killing each other again over scriptural interpretation much like they do today, and God will sit by and watch, do nothing and allow millions to suffer and die horrible deaths in his name. JUST LIKE TODAY.

Enrico (Henry) S

NewEnglandBob said...

That has been so entertaining, Hump. I think you need to have a separate page on your web site just for these kind of emails. A place we can go to for laughs.

The writers of those emails probably have an IQ of 150 - TOTAL - summed up between them.

I was thinking of sending emails to some of them, but I won't bother, since none of them actually speak English and would never understand logic or reason or critical thought.

Dromedary Hump said... three guys crack me up!!!!

SanDiegoHenry said...

I second NewEnglandBob's suggestion - have a page of Xtian emails with your commentary. Keep up the good work!

Dromedary Hump said...

Thanks, SanDiego ... maybe I'll just use them for the side column "Words of Ignorance" section as I get them.

Dromedary Hump said...


Hump, I'm ROTFLMAO!! But why did you deprive us of your responses? BTW, O'Hare is Madlyn Murray O'Hare (spelling?)- famous atheist of the 70's, Or at least she was famous in fundamentalist circles. She sued a local school district over prayer in school. It went to the Supreme Court and so she is credited with getting prayer removed from schools, thus inserting her into the atheist hall of fame as far as fundies are concerned! One of her sons eventually rejected atheism. Also she was horribly murdered....because she was an atheist of course! Fundies love this story.

I do have one question. Do you feel any guilt at all for taking advantage of these imbecils? I'm only projecting my own feelings on you of course. Or do you do it just to make the point that they are gullible imbecils?


P. S. If you don't mind, post this for me. Can't get to computer

Dromedary Hump said...

Rachel, I had an inkling of who the fundie meant. But she had both the first and last name wrong and WTF is with the son reference?...I dunno.

If I included my actual responses it would have made an already long article twice as long. This was already the longest blog post I ever posted.

YOU ASKED: "Do you feel any guilt at all for taking advantage of these imbecils?"


YOU ASKED: Or do you do it just to make the point that they are gullible imbecils?

Heheh... ;)

Anthony said...

Hey Hump,

Indeed the one Xtian was referring to Madalyn Murray O'Hair. The son reference is regarding William J. Murray, one of her sons who became a Christian and wrote a book called My Life Without God. A book I read years ago when I was still a Xtian myself. He details his life with his atheist mom, how he was used to have prayer taken out of school and his subsequent conversion to faith.

Joyce said...

I am a friend of Drom and am Christian. Nope, I (and my husband) are not *token* friends -- we had to earn the right! lol

Anyway, as a Christian I'd like to address Rachel's questions from my perspective.

Rachel asked: "Do you feel any guilt at all for taking advantage of these imbecils? I'm only projecting my own feelings on you of course. Or do you do it just to make the point that they are gullible imbecils?"

Drom, and those who have committed to care for these animals, are sincere in their intents to honor these contracts should the Rapture occur (within the next 10 years). Those who have enlisted the help of Eternal Earthbound Pets have also done so in sincerity. I don't see it as taking advantage ... the offer is real. The contract is legal. (Of course, if the Rapture does occur, there won't be anyone around to sue them anyhow. LOL). Apparently this gives those who have enlisted EEP for pet care peace of mind. Again, with all parties being upfront at the time of signing up, I don't see how anyone is being taken advantage of.

Are people giggling and getting a kick out of this? Oh, definitely! (You won't see my pets being signed up!) But does it provide a service to those who are concerned about their pets? It does.

No harm, no foul.

Dromedary Hump said...

Anthony...thanks! Didn't know about the son.

Joyce,... thats one reason why you're my favorite non-relative Christian :)

longhorn believer said...

@Joyce, thank you for your perspective. And for the record, I don't consider all Christians imbecils. But signing up for this service sure makes people look stupid. However, I definitely get the humor!!! I'm still not sure how sincere a service it can be when you don't think the rapture is going to happen. I have no problem with the service personally, since it is mostly about making a point. I was just wondering how Hump felt about it

Sproglet said...

I love the way that some of the respondents assume that atheists (or their daughters) enjoy going out and screwing football...or can't really love their family and friends.

It scares and depresses that there are people who actually think this way!


Rastifan said...

I like to think of myself as a good person, (my niece tells me I am when I give her money) so I tried to keep the laughter and ridicule at a responsible level.
I failed horribly in my mission when I reached!

“If the rapture were to happen would you believe then?”

Let’s get this straight. Melyssa here asks you if you would believe in the light of such indisputable evidence. But sure who wouldn’t? Who would be so foolish? Well Melyssa herself for example.

The scientific evidence for the origin of life, age of the universe, those damn fossils and the fact that there probably wasn’t a talking snake have been piling up over the centuries and have been devastating to religious dogma on these matters. Meylissa in a typical Christian manner are in fact herself ignoring indisputable evidence while asking others to accept them if they occur.

I just though the point was worth mentioning.

Dromedary Hump said...

Longhorn asks: "I'm still not sure how sincere a service it can be when you don't think the rapture is going to happen."

Long, if you read my comment on one of the letters, where I talk about offering Bigfoot insurance, it kinda sums it up.

The Insurance industry is predicated on insuring people for things that the insurance company doesn't think they will ever have to payout. While admittedly the odds for having to execute MY contracts is (in OUR opinion) infinitly smaller than the odds insurance companies typically work with, the concept is identical.

But my infrastructure, and pet rescuers are real. So is my committment to fulfill the contracts in the 500 trillion to 1 chance I'm wrong and they are right. What can be more sincere than that?

Rasti... yes you are right. But she could never see that. She is(they are) blind to the incongruities.

Rachelle said...

Contents said: "It's official - there IS a dumbfuckistan :("

LOL! I totally agree. It's sad but also sadly funny. I'm amazed that some of these nuts haven't been locked away yet.

I'm sure Hump's replies were golden. LOL!

Angel said...

There is no logical reason why you'd have to believe something would/could happen in order to not take advantage of these kinds of morons. If they're dumb enough to fall for it then they got what they deserve. And quite honestly, it's the not-so-subtle poking like this that really gets people's attention for just how idiotic their beliefs are.

It'd be like telling a bookie, "Five years from now on this day and at this hour it's going to rain purple." He takes your bet why?? Because he wants to make money off you, ya darn fool!

I think it's pretty telling when in order to uphold a "christian nation" one must trample on a person's free speech in order to let the Christian ideals prosper. (prayer in the school)

The contract Hump is offering is legal. And no on can prove God in a court of law. Hmmm.... funny how that works out. We're HAPPIER with God not being proven and have more freedoms to boot.

Christian Apologist said...

It may be bad for your business but you may want to consider offering a complementary "I'm Stupid" sign with all purchases.

Dromedary Hump said...

Christian Apologist...

Don't leave your day job for a career in Marketing.

Angel said...

Exactly, Hump. That career requires excelling in the Eglish language, rhetoric, and oh I don't know.... reason.

LOL my security word was "banter."

Contents under pressue said...


I was thinking more in the lines of

"All Dogs go to Heaven(?)"

"I'm stupid" is not accurate at all - I've met my fair share of brilliant religious minds :)

Rastifan said...

Welcome to Rapture Pet insurance inc. Sing up to day and receive a free tea spoon in genuine scrap metal.

Take advantage of our life time offer 4999.99$

Or sign up for a monthly payment 19.99$ (Spoon not included)

Yes don’t be an idiot. Sign up today and make sure your pet’s needs are taking care of as you bask in the glory of your god.

Perhaps the spoon is stretching it:)

Dromedary Hump said...

immitation is the highest form of flattery ;)

longhorn believer said...

Hump, Colmes says your a good christian!! LMAO! I also loved your line about Jesus beaming people up. I listened for about an hour and your interview was the most interesting part of the show! Good advertising for your book as well. It's on my to do list.

I get what you are saying about insurance being a numbers game. One of my best friends owns an insurance agency. They certainly provide a valuable service, but some times I still feel like I'm getting ripped off! However, the pricing for Eternal Earth Bound Pets is extremely reasonable! The best part though is putting christians in the inevitable quandry of having to examine their beliefs when considering your service. That rocks!!

Dromedary Hump said...

Hey Longhorn..Thanks for listening!! Yeah..that was the most fun interview I ever did on radio.

And how'd you like the whacko fundie :) Man, he is the poster boy for fundie nuts, that was awesome! I liked thhrowing my reverse christian platitude line at him: "If a secularist hurt you at some time, I'm sorry." Hahah... I've wanted to say that to a Xtian for years.

Thanks again for listening.