As a result the hits on the website went through the roof … 6,000+ a day. Emails to Eternal Earth-Bound were flooding in, and still are. On Sunday we were receiving emails at a rate of one every 10-15 seconds! Most of them are from atheists congratulating us on a great concept and applying for pet rescuer positions. Others are from Christians. The most infected of the Jesus worshipping crowd decided to let us have a piece of their mind. In so doing I fear they left very little of their minds for themselves, having so little of it to spare.
So I thought I’d share a few of their thoughts (I’m being generous with the term “thought”) for your reading pleasure. All typos are left in tact. Names and email addresses are genuine. I won’t include my responses to them (everyone gets a response) -- I’ll just let you imagine your own. Enjoy.
If, as I understand it, atheists do not believe in such matters as do Christians, why would you even consider having a web site and service like this? Does that allude to the fact that you do, in some minimal way, believe? … To me, to have a business like this gives credence to the fact that you believe that the rapture will happen. So, why profess to be an atheist? Just looking for some enlightenment! Maybe I do not completely understand what an atheist is. Thanks!
[ Hump note: This is a reoccurring theme. It seems some Xtians can’t comprehend that you don’t have to be a believer in Bigfoot to offer Bigfoot believers insurance against Bigfoot damage to their homes. It’s too deep a concept, or perhaps they figure only their theist shaman are entitled to their money for doing nothing.]
Where did you ever get the idea pets do not have souls? Have you ever heard DOG is GOD spelled backwards? Your organization is a joke. I wouldn't leave my dog or any pet with such ignorant individuals. I would be more concerned with your daughters doing the football team if they have no one to answer to. Please, don't tell me they have been raised right and would never do that. How nieve! God please you. mg firstname.lastname@example.org
[Hump note: I came to the conclusion this guy’s daughter and god are of the female canine variety. But then, I’m “nieve,” so what do I know? ]
I was initially wondering why someone who is sure there is no God could ethically charge for the service they are offering? Don't you honestly believe you are bilking professing Christians out of what is albeit not a princely sum, but nonetheless an amount for which you don't believe you will ever provide any service? Your FAQ's did provide the disclaimer that you could be wrong, so I'll grant you that you've left yourselves an out. So now my question (other than why would a Christian who believed in the rapture not also believe that God could manage taking care of their pets?) is this: How will you know when and if the Rapture has occurred, since your inclination would be to believe any expanantion other than that God had removed all of His followers from the face of the earth?
Dan Adams email@example.com
[Hump note; Once again that “How can a non-believer offer this service?” As for how will we know if the rapture happens -- can you imagine not noticing 1 billion Xtians missing from the planet in the blink of an eye? Hell, just by the increase in the average IQ of the remaining Earthly occupants we’d know the rapture occurred.]
People have actually sent you money? You have actually taken it? Wonders never cease. Barnum was right. But what a bunch of cynical opportunists you are. And you pass yourselves off as normal people who love their families and so forth. Humbug. Why didn't you set it up as a multi-level Ponzi scheme so you could make some real money? Please don't email me back. I don't want to have to wash my computer's hard drive out with soap. firstname.lastname@example.org
[Hump note: The concept of spray disinfectant hasn’t reached her section of Arkansas yet. So naturally I emailed her back. That ened that. Must have been too much Irish Spring in the mother board.]
Are you for real? You think that God does not accept animals into his Kingdom. You are mistaken. These animals were created by God Almighty. God has promised me my puppies would go up in the Rapture with me. When the Rapture occurs terrible catasrophic events will start the 7 year Tribulation. You will not have time to care for pets. You will be running into the Mountains,trying to escape all the hell thats coming to planet earth. God speaks to his holy people. Gods judgement has started the countdown. You still have time to Accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord & Savior. Time is short. Jesus died for the sins of the world. What if you are wrong saying there is no God and you end up in Hell. That would of been your fault. Because God gives us a free will to live for him or Satan. I pray you make the right decision. I will pray for you. Jbluejeanbaby@aol.com
[ Hump note: Immediately following the reading of this email I locked my doors and loaded a gun.]
If the rapture were to happen would you believe then? If no what do you think could have happened. If yes, then what are you planning on doing? Do you have any family members that do believe that would then cause you to be in mourning and unable to care for the pets in the chaos? Melyssa Fishfolk@aol.com
[Hump note: Another reoccurring theme, the “... would you believe THEN?!” question.
Uh, well ... if Dracula knocked on your door, turned into a bat, and sucked your neck would YOU believe THEN? I imagine it would be hard not to. Now what?]
So you do believe God exists? Why start a business banking on God's arrival if you don't believe He exists, right? There's a little faith in everyone. I'm glad to see yours shining through. email@example.com
[Hump note: I guess this implys that anyone willing to take money from the terminally stupid also believes in God. Who knew? The concept of insurance against god arriving seems to be lost on Rick. ]
This is the most RIDICULOUS thing I have ever heard. You ATHIESTS should be condemmed JMPresutti@aol.com
[Hump note: A Xtian who obviously never read the Buybull. If he had he’d know that the Bible is actually the most ridiculous thing, and that according to it atheists are already condemned.]
I know you don't believe in the rapture, but if it should occure, what then? Would you believe then? If so, will you turn your eyes to the Lord? There will be many in that time who see the truth and the Lord will save them, though they will still experience the devestation to come. Please know you can always turn to God and He will take you in. He loves you, even when you don't love him!
[Hump note: I’ve read about what theists do when they love you even when you don’t love them … priests and Youth Ministers especially. Thanks, I’ll pass!]
Your theology is skewed," All dogs go to Heaven". God wants us to be happy so he takes our pets with us! Just one more point, without the holy spirit you won;t have a chance of understanding any scripture at all, it's like reading someone else's mail. ..... NO what I have that you do not is faith that is what God os all about an I am worshiping the right God because I have faith in my Lord Jesus Christ he made me right in the eyes of God, and about your news I am so very sorry to let you know its all the same hasn't changed for 2000 years, Wars, hate, killing, sex crimes, robberies, murders etc. Have I missed anything it hasn't changes for 2009 years, IN fact since the days of Adam and Eve, Cain and Able. ...... By the way I eat Pigs, Cows Fish, Birds, but my Dog is my best friend Jesus will let he come with me he gave her to me. Father God I lift this mans soul to you speak to him and show him your truth-- you did that for madam Marie O Hare's Son -- do it for him In Jesus Name Amen.
"Christ's Second Coming is absolutely as assured as his first" Michelle P Neff MNEFF007@aol.com
[Hump note: This is just one of about ten “All Dogs go to Heaven” email references. It seems these Xtians decided not to draw their belief from scripture, but opted to go with the more believable Holy Word of a Walt Disney Cartoon Movie. I have no idea who
Marie O Hare’s son is (or who Marie is). I'd look it up but I’m too busy trying to figure out why the writer’s dietary preferences are of interest to me.]
If I get some interesting crazy Xtian emails to share I’ll collect them for a sequel. Now we should all go read something secular and meaningful. I fear these letters could have a deleterious effect on our IQs.